Published January 7, 2011
This is my first story post on the YWS! It has plenty of onomatopoeia supplied, so don't worry. 
Post your ideas and I might add them to further chapters!
NVA: North Vietnamese Army ( I refer to it as the troops )
August 8th 1963, 1800 Hours
Ksch, ksch, ksch... The crunching leaves were giving away our position. They rustled as we brushed their lifeless paper frames. There was so much to fear. Gun-fights, death, killings, etc.
The relentless woodlands of Northern Vietnam were almost too much to bear. The leeches, massive insects, and poisonous plants all kept us on our feet.
Although the marshlands were unpleasant, we lived through it all! Life, death, fear and the beginning of a new war.
"Hey, sarge, you hear that?" Private James Cedrick was our ears on the battlefield, my friend, and one of the troops in my squadron. He called out to the rest of us, "Choppers incoming!".
The distant sound of the blades cutting through the moist air was heard, and the roar of the choppers began to increase in volume. We dug in with our small emergency camouflaged cloaks.
The hinds closed in. There was a slight pause and the sound of tramping feet over the warm, wet, boggy grasslands. The heli's soon passed. The sound of the engines got quieter and quieter until... bliss. We got up, relieved.
Vzzz!
Little copper streaks flew around our heads. BULLETS! I heard one of my mates drop to the side of me. By instinct, I did not dare to look, fearing the worst.
Being close to all of my squadron troops, I could not stand to see one die. Then, where the soldier had fallen, he had yelled, "Hit the deck, Sergeant!". It was Cpl. Benjamin, the highest ranked soldier that we knew since we were children.
When my chest felt the first of the Vietnamese ground leaves, a shiver went down my spine, both from the cold and the massive bugs that were beneath it, crawling around.
We watched as the NVAs approached us, rifles in-hand. There was only 3, matching the number in our squad. We watched as they surveyed their perimeter. Did they know we were right under their noses. Literally?
They looked up, down, and around, but we were not found. That is, until Corporal Benjamin sneezed... They looked down and saw our figures.
In a split-second, it felt like, we grabbed the NVA's feet, pulling them upwards, and making their heads hit the ground, very hard.
One of them was out cold, the other two were angry as they reached for their guns.
We took out our knives and slit their wrists. We ran away as fast as we could as their yelps could be heard from a kilometer away, leaving them to die in pain. After this experience, I felt like a merciless beast, like a Nazi.
This is my first experience in the United States Armed Forces.
It will haunt me to the day I die.
To be Continued...
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139,622 Literary Works • 672,635 Reviews
Hiya! I'm back to review this first chapter.
You seem to already have a few nice, decent reviews for this so I won't really go into this as much so you're spared the long review that I would have normally done in this situation. However, there are still a few things that caught my eyes as I read this. Now, before I say anything, let me remind you that I barely skimmed the previous reviews so I might be repeating a few things here and there so don't let it bother you. ^.^
Now, for the most part, this chapter was good and you brought in some heavy action along with it to capture the readers interest. As for the introduction, I think you did a pretty good job pulling the readers into the story. Now, I've said this before that you sort of lack in description but you have a thing where you, somehow, still are able to make pretty decent imagery out of little use of words and that's very good. I find that less, more powerful description seem to work better since it's more flexible to 'imagine' and thus creating a more vivid picture for the readers. Though, I still think there are places where you could use more 'umpth'. For example, try using more of the five senses. Touch, feel, see, hear, etc. They can be quite powerful and will make your story feel more alive.
I noticed that you had some punctuation problems here and there but I'm not going to point them out. I'm sure that I'd given you a link in my last review about that so you could always go and take a quick peek. Surely have time to revise this and make it even better too. ^.^ Anyway, as the others have mentioned, try to give us more information on what NVAs and all that mean. I'm pretty sure that NVAs mean North Vietnamese though, right? :/ *fail*
Alright, all in all this was a good beginning. A bit rushed in my opinion - try slowing down your pace - but it was good. Also it was a bit short for a chapter so maybe you could event try to make your next ones slightly longer so you can push in more details and all. I'll be on to the next chapter.
-Pink
Actually, bear is correct. I checked it online and it said "put up with something or somebody unpleasant".
As of: http://www.google.com/search?sclient=psy&hl=en&safe=active&client=firefox-a&hs=OJ9&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&q=define%3A+bear&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=&pbx=1
Also, thank you for the compliment.
Firstly I love war stories/films.
I am not a big grammar nerd this the main thing I spotted.
Just a little mistake, should be written as "bare" rather than the animal
The description of the sounds going on around them was fantastic in my opinion it really gives a sense of what they are hearing as they traverse the jungle although one thing was a lack of descriptive words of the jungle itself I couldn't really picture the actual jungle they were crossing, was there tall canopies high above? Where the bushes at their feet so thick they were having trouble pushing forwards?
Nonetheless war situations in general are really difficult to describe as are battles in particular and you have done a fairly decent job of projecting the situation. One last thing as a tip, it may be worthwhile to post a "Dramatis Personae" on your novel page or at the top each chapter, giving their full name, origin, a short comment about them etc. so we can keep track of characters, which in war stories is particularly hard as they often go by their last names and their ranks often change etc.
Overall, it is quite a nice little beginning.
Chapter 3 is out if you would like to read it, anyone!
It is the most action-packed chapter yet. It will surely meet your needs! Well, possibly.
Haha, thanks.
Ok, well, you already have a lot of reviews, but I saw chapt. 2 under recently posted, and thougt, "I'll check out the first chapter, see what this is exactly," and now that I've read the whole thing I feel I must leave a review.
So, this is the Vietnam war? My grampa fought in Nam... So, I find that interesting, you know? But still, I'm ususally into more, like, fantasy. So, when I figured out this was a war setting I was sort of like, "Meh..." but, after I read it I was impressed!
I liked this because I could see what was happening in my mind... I don't really have any complaints... any nitpicks I trust to the other reviewers, but I'll be sure to take a closer read when I review Chapter two! (In order to help you, of course)
And, by the way, welcome
--
Tabby
Chapter 2 is out!
The test i mean like a conspiracy story.
I am liking the captured soldier part.
Not the test.
I will base it in the morning and they discover that he is gone. Pvt. James.
Hmm, maybe perhaps one of there men get captured and the rest of there camp area got destroyed and all that's left is there squad and they got to go threw and save there friend, then they find out that it was a huge test or something.
Post what you want to be included in further chapters!
- Just added that to the OP -
Hey, Aero! I'm Mazey
I'mma gonna follow you now so I can read what you post next! Muahaha! Let the stalking begin! (Just kidding! I don't stalk!)
So, first off... no ond, and I mean no. one. can have enough onomatopoeia! It's such a rarely used thing (for lack of a better word) in writing, and I find myself just going back and reading your ksch's and that Vzz!. That was like dessert for me - I love onomatopoeia. Don't know why, I just always have. So refreshing to read some here!
I hope you excuse me for this, but I'm not much of a military buff, and some of these abbreviations I do have to scratch my head at. Like Kio said, some people might not know what they mean... and I'm one of those "some people". It probably won't be that big of a deal if you don't use the abbreviations throughout your entire story, but if you do use them, maybe using the real word for the abbreviation every once in a while would be good (like, maybe at the beginning, and then using the word in dialogue - but you don't have to go overboard with it, if you know what I mean).
All in all, the chapter pulled me into the story. It's very easy for me to visualize others' words, even with your descriptions (as minimalistic as some might call them) I had it good in my mind that they were in a hot jungle in Vietnam with lots of bugs and creepy crawlies, and were soldiers in an intense position.
But, you see, I don't know if it's just me, or if others can visualize as easily as I can. So you might have to work with the descriptions until most everybody has a general idea of what is happening.
Umm.. well, I guess that's it
Cheers!
-Mazey
Awesome! Wow, that is the kindest review yet!
Thank you!
To the MaskedPoet:
I do not chat via MSN. I will only communicate by PM.
This was very intersting to me. A few family members of mine have discribed war in this way. I think that the desciption was all but perfect and I felt as if I was there in the battle with these soldiers.
The only pet peeve that I had with this (and it's really small) is the fact that you used the shorthand version of the rank of the soldiers. Now if you are not military savvy then you will not understand what these mean. Some are pretty self explainatory but I would have rather read the long version first and then the shorthand afterwards.
Otherwise it was a really good story and I cannot wait to read more.
You're welcome, I'm new to the site so don't get when or were to see when something new is up! So if you'd like I got msn to contact me! I'd love to review your chapters so this doesn't just become a cliche war story. ^_^
Thanks for the review.
I will edit all the points you have just mentioned.
The reason I did not add names to the soldiers said yet, was because I wanted to add them as I advanced through the plot.
I am glad that you reviewed my story. You are a great critic for only a teenager.
EDIT: I have edited in all the specified errors into my chapter.
Thank you for your help! I am now one of your followers!
I would greatly appreciate it if you would help me with most of my chapters, for the fact that you know how to create suspense in a minor plot.
Thank you!
~ Aero
Hello, I never start my reviews with anything negative so I wont, But this is one great story! I love to read story's about the war... Normally WWII tho, but hey! I'm always open to new stuff. Now, back to the review, I liked the way you brought in well bringing in that kind of, "Emotion", into the story and the sound effects! Ha, you don't see sound effects much anymore in writing, I'd suggest that instead of sound effects you described the sound, described the look of the blades cutting threw the air like butter.
Like for example with the place you used the sound effects,
There were quite a few parts you left out descriptions and such, and it made me lose a feel for the story but if you added more detail and imagery this could become a great story!
Now, I'd like to know more about the characters than just, "we were close, we were all friends", like maybe introduce the charters in a way that you just use there names and such, do you know what I mean? for example
Using names will grow us onto the characters, your readers. using names draws us into the feal of the characters than just throwing in a few soldiers! The only time you shouldn't use a name, (you still can but it isn't needed) Is if they are only in it for one sentence or is being viewed by a charter and isn't going to have a roll in the story. But once you said that "J" was friends with everyone on the squad it hit me, "Why isn't he giving them names?", cause they are going to play, and are playing a part in the story so they should have names.
Another part that bothered me was you structure of writing, I kept getting lost at the once sentence paragraphs, you should try to compact all this, or some... most, into one paragraph.
Anyhow, This is one of my first reviews I put some time into so don't worry if it's not that good, but I hope you improve this story due to the potential, and I look forward to reading more of this story. Thanks for the post it was a great read and could be greater if improved. Then again this is just me, others might love the sound effects, love the structure, and love how it just jumps in with no names. But I'm one of those people who love detail and imagery so I can really feel the story, and see what is happening.
~The Masked Poet.