Published May 15, 2014
Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
It was before a performance and the members were all back stage and nerves were running high. Chen, being the troll that he is starts sneaking around trying to find someone to prank. Unfortunately for him he accidentally catches two of the staff in the midst of a heated make out session. Once he finally pulls himself away from watching the scene, he realizes the problem now lingering down south. He couldn't just leave it, they still had to perform and the whole world would see it. So Chen stealthily escapes to the bathroom to take care of his 'problem'. He tries to be quiet about it but as he hears a knock at the door, he realized he wasn't.
"Jongdae-ssi, are you alright in there. Hyung is here to help." Hearing his hyung at the door, Chen knows he has to answer so nothing seems wrong.
"I'm alright hyung. Don't worry about me!" As he hears the doorknob jiggling, Chen realizes he will have to face his hyung to make his story believable. After zipping his pants and making himself presentable, he carefully opens the door just enough where only his face can be seen and looks out only to be pushed back inside by his baozi cheeked hyung.
"Minseok hyung I'm fine now go away please," Chen pleads hoping he will get the mental message he is also sending him. But to his surprise, Xiumin's lips slowly curve into a smile.
"You can't lie to me Jongdae. I know why you're in here." He smirked at the younger letting him eyes drift down to the tent in his pants. Feeling a shiver down his back from the unmistakable look in Xiumin's eyes, Chen quickly covers his crotch with his hands cause the older to look him directly in the face.
"H-hyung... please go. This is embarrassing enough. Please don't make it worse."
"Oh no," Xiumin replied bringing back his smirk "I didn't come in to embarrass you. I came to help you." Chen's jaw dropped at the words he'd just heard. Was the really his cute, innocent hyung? Impossible! 'Yeah there's no way this is really happe... why the fuck is he coming closer? Oh shit this really IS happening!!' Chen's thoughts were clear on his face as Xiumin finally came close enough to have him backed against the wall. Keeping eye contact with the other, Xiumin reaches down and firmly squeezes the bulge in the younger's pants. Instinctively Chen moans out at the sudden that rips through his body. Realizing what he'd just done, he turned a dark shade of red and faced away from his hyung. But Xiumin wasn't having that. Not one bit. He reaches out and grabs Chen by his chin and forces him forward. Without a moment's notice, he crashes their lips together. Although Chen feels this is wrong, he lets his sense take over completely and wraps his arms around the older's neck enjoying the feel of his lips. Xiumin smirks into the kiss knowing that he's won. After a minute of making out, Xiumin wants a little more. He tried to gain access to the singer's mouth but he wouldn't budge. Not willing to take no as an answer, he reaches down again and grabs the younger once again. He quickly seized the opportunity to slip his tongue in when Chen gasped at the sudden fleeting contact.
Even though he didn't want it to go this far, Chen was enjoying himself immensely. But he wasn't getting the attention where he needed it.
Gaining a sudden burst of courage, he pulls the older closer and rolls his hips roughly into the him. He couldn't believe the sexiness of the sound that escaped his hyung's throat. Wanting to continue, he rolls his hips again and again against Xiumin bringing himself utter bliss. Not being able to handle the teasing anymore, Xiumin grabs the younger by the hips and stops him. The confused look on his face is suddenly replaced with a look of shock as he feels his pants being undone and his already leaking manhood spring free. In a flash Xiumin undid his pants as well and had a hold of both of their members in his hand. Reclaiming Chen's lips, he slowly begins to pump them together. Neither can help but moan against each other's lips and the amazing friction created. His slow movements go on for a mere minute more when Chen begs him in whispers to pick up the pace. Liking the idea himself as well, Xiumin does just that. He begins speeding up his hand and the younger throws his head back against the wall in pleasure. All that can be heard in the small room is the sounds of heavy breathing, moans and the sliding of Xiumin's hand.
Soon it becomes all too much for Chen and the older can see it in his face. He captures his lips once again and speeds up more to bring him to the brink. Chen feels his stomach knotting up and a second later releases all over Xiumin's hand. Not a moment later, the older does as well causing more of the white liquid to cover their satisfied members. Xiumin quickly goes over to the dispenser and retrieves towels to clean up with. After both are clean and put back together, the older pushes Chen back up against the wall and kisses him passionately once more.
"See now wasn't that better than doing it by yourself?" Xiumin smiles at the younger after breaking the kiss. Chen, still astonished at what just happened, simply nods at his hyung in response.
"Just remember, if you're ever stuck in this situation again, let me know. I'll come and help you." With that, Xiumin pulled away from the boy and walked out the door. Chen stood staring after him thinking about what just happened. Shaking his head he thought 'No that must've been my imagination. That couldn't have really happened.' He promptly exited the bathroom and walked to where the other members were standing close by. As he approached he could see Xiumin smirking at him while the other 10 just stared at him in shock.
'Well damn' he thought 'I guess I wasn't imagining it after all.'
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140,237 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
I'm not much of a Kpop fan, but I still feel the need to review...so...here goes nothing...
1)I think your very first sentence should've been a bit complex.
Instead of reading: "It was before a performance and the members were all back stage and nerves were running high."
I think it should be more along the lines of: "It was before a performance and the members were all backstage, nerves running high."
2)You had one tiny capitalization error-*hyung*-that was made quite a few times.
3)"See now wasn't that better than doing it by yourself?"
To me, this sentence appeared to be a bit of a run-on. Maybe you could split it into two seperate questions like so: "See now? Wasn't that better than doing it by yourself?"
Or you could change it to: "Wasn't that better than doing it by yourself?"
Other than that, great job. However, this is your work, and I was only making suggestions.
So I'm not a Kpop fan, so I won't be reviewing the content, but just skimming this story I can see that it needed a lot of grammatical work, so here I am. Also, Sad Monkey is sad that there are so many works in the Green Room, so I'll help him and you out a little.
So let's start at the very beginning:
Wait, what? It's the first two sentences and you've already switched from past tense to present tense. A few sentences later, you switch back to past tense, but then back to present tense after that! This needs to fixed; it's very distracting to read a story that's swapping tenses left and right. Also, there should be a comma between "is" and "sneaking". Here's what those two sentences would look like without the tense change, just in case you're confused:
That's a whole lot smoother, just with the simple act of keeping the tenses consistent.
You had a comma splice there. Commas aren't used to link independent clauses; semicolons are. Try to keep that in mind!
Hyung is asking the other person something, therefore, it should be a question mark instead of a period.
If you have a lot of trouble with commas, I encourage you to visit a site or two about it and educate yourself. It will make your writing so much more professional. I recommend taking out the word "also" here as well. It sounds awkward and unnecessary.
The older what? Human? Dog? Cowboy? Maybe you could add the word "man".
I believe you need a comma and a period there, my friend.
Inner monologues in writing are generally in italics. You should change that. If you don't know how, here's a handy little list of all the YWS codes from bold to colors and back again:
The Big Book of YWS Codes
That seems awfully specific. I know that the characters weren't counting to sixty while making out. Perhaps you could change this to make it more realistic.
Never start a sentence with a conjunction. Instead of this, you could say,
Much more professional-sounding!
I'm quite fond of this wording here. Well done, it conveys the desperation by showing, and not telling.
Another missing comma. No biggie. Now, I'm going to backtrack a little here and point out something.
I just think that the euphemism you're using sounds kind of weird. It reminds of members of a website, and it doesn't help that you use the word "members" later on in an entirely different context. I recommend changing that, but it's not entirely necessary.
Again, use italics for inner monologues/thoughts. It looks cleaner and more professional.
And now, the last line:
You know the drill with the thoughts, and I pointed out a comma and a period that you were missing.
Overall, this piece did not really interest me, mostly because I was not in the fandom. However, if I saw this same thing, just with names from Doctor Who, I would immediately dismiss it because of the poor punctuation, grammar, and writing style. It can really turn readers away from your work and not want to read it. I recommend using the technique of "show, don't tell." It's when you use actions and sensory information to describe what's happening. Like, instead of saying,
you could say something like,
That one's much more enjoyable to read, isn't it? You don't have much of this in your writing. It's all fairly straightforward. Be descriptive, especially with the situation in this particular story. I see a lot of potential to make this a great fanfiction, but it's not there yet.
You could also benefit from proofreading. When I edit works, one or two grammatical errors is around normal amounts, but you had so many simple ones that I could tell you didn't really do any revision. I know proofreading is a pain, but you could make this so much better by doing so, and I highly encourage it.
I hope this didn't seem too harsh. I want to help you improve your writing. That's what this site is for, after all!
Keep on writing. You'll get better, I promise.
This is a very good sort story. And, acsily short too! There is one grammar mistake I found though. And, now of course I can't find it.....sorry. So just edit it I guess. Sorry about that. Now this is going to be a bad review. Now at some points there said older younger and, the way it happened I thought there was three. Maybe can you fix it so it is a little more clear? Over all it was good. Had lots of detail. Just that little grammar mistake and a little confusing. I look forward to reading more of your stores. Thanks for the great read.