Published January 4, 2013
This is a second attempt an appology to any that were offended by my first try.
We all have a dream, a goal, a desire that rises above all else and erases the small things. Whatever that may be however attainable it may seem to some extent it is the exact same as someone else's. Sorry but it's true, mine is just like anyone else's, no matter how original it is it's exactly the same, but I'm not saying that's a bad thing. The fact of the matter is the population is roughly seven billion and your dream more likely than not is the exact same as someone else's. Now that person could be half-way around the world, so that may give you an edge. But, the other person could be only a mile away, or just a foot if you're reading this in some class. Now this isn't about giving up your dreams or saying that having a dream is a bad thing. I'm actually going to tell you the opposite, I'm going to tell you exactly what you've been hearing your whole life dream big.
Okay now here's where I pull the metaphorical rug out from under you and change it up, maybe make the rug in to a nice tapestry. Don't just dream big have a million small goals, a thousand dreams for yourself, and hundreds of desires to fulfill. Say you want to be a doctor, lawyer, rock star astronaut, okay maybe something a bit more realistic to an extent, but say you do. Well what's stopping you, if I had a guess probably the over a million dollars in training and school, but if you're dream is something smaller it's probably you. I know we can always blame the economy, our situation, or not being given our fair chance.
I know there's pretty much squat diddle we can do about the economy I mean most of you reading this are probably in a similar spot to me unemployed or in school or both. Also dependent upon your age and your situation there's not much you can do about that. But, now we come to the our fair chance thing. That phrase bothers me, fair chance, it's an oxymoron if you think about it. There's fair and unfair which you know describes weather but not chance accurately at all. I know this seems like just a tangent I'm getting of on here but just stay with me. Chance isn't fair you get a chance in life for multiple different things and it's not always "fair" as we've defined it. Fair is in someway akin to what's right to you in that moment and unfair is if someone's wronged you.
Okay now I'm going to get off on me for a second but I promise to stay relevant to how the fair thing relates to having your dream and trying to attain it. Throughout high school I did chorus and theater, but while several people considered me quite good I was consistently passed over for roles. It constantly occurred and always I felt like I deserved my fair chance. That I was better than those that had gotten the role I wanted and I deserved my fair chance to prove it. The problem with my way of thinking is that it's completely wrong. I'll admit my short coming here in a huge way by constantly focusing on others flaws it set me back quite a bit.
Now that I've explained my biggest shortcoming I'll explain how having a shortcoming like that can be a hindrance to accomplishing your dream. It's quite simple and if I could go back and tell younger me this I would, though I doubt I'd listen to my self because I still have that problem now. It's simply this ahem to quote different people over the years 'check yourself before you wreck yourself.' I could be wrong but ninety percent of you are probably looking at what I just wrote with an expression of utter confusion. I'll put in my words observe your own actions and see what you can improve before judging another.
I know now, if you've been reading all of this some of you might have got bogged down in the whole fair stuff and the improve yourself before judging another thing. Well if you've gotten lost I've been giving you tips on how to beat Gary, Pokemon reference sorry the whole same dream thing just made me think of that. Anyway to bring it full circle and to tie it all up in a pretty package. We all have rivals with the same dream and probably or maybe not a similar experience and definition of fair. Now forget about them and I'll tell you the some of the biggest things that will help you, focus on you and being an even better you. Life won't be easy but if you're a writer take those hard times and write your story, if you're a singer share your song, and if you're an artist draw it out. But, most importantly and why I like the ideals of this site, give your gift of art, I'm using the broad term here, to the world. A persons greatest flaw is being ashamed of what they create. You can't please all of the people all the time, but if you can please most of the people some of the time I'd say you're making head way on achieving your goals, dreams, or desires.
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140,113 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
Hey, back again with some more advice!
I'd like to say that this version comes off as more eager to help, which is super inviting to readers and way better than starting off with, "If you don't like what I wrote, then go away!" Hehe. Still, the main problem here is organization (and punctuation! but you can get to that on your own).
You already know you get off on a tangent several times, and though it sometimes works to build a conversational tone, HERE it mostly serves to bring you further and further away from what you're saying until at the end I'm left with no real sense of what you want to say to me at all.
I recommend a couple of different things. First, go through and outline what you have.
Then outline your ideal rant/argument. What makes sense to open the paper? What do you want readers to be left thinking about at the end, and how do you get from one point to another?
Personally, I think a good plan of action would be to open with something about your "fair chance" discovery: how the fair directly conflicts with the chance, and move on from there.
You also had a good instinct to bring in an anecdote about your personal experience. I'd say let that guide a lot of what you do, because you AREN'T a seasoned writer. Yes, you know what you feel at this moment in time, but that doesn't make you an objective authority, and if you speak as if you are, people will trust you /less/. So speak from your individuality, and people will willingly listen, as you ARE the authority on your own experience. That means anecdotes will work well for you, as they illustrate functions of society, emotions, and your reactions.
The other thing I'd recommend is narrowing your topic. What is one thing from this rant that you feel the strongest about? Do you really want to encourage people to not be afraid of sharing OR do you want to give people tips on how to beat Gary? I'd say avoid the Gary road, 'cause if you haven't beaten him yourself yet, as I said, you're not yet an authority.
I hope this helps a little more! Hit me up in the chat bar with questions.
Sorry, but this was just a pointless rant about a pointless subject.
Write to heal your soul, to cleanse your mind, not for the petty reason of becoming famous.
Like PenguinAttack pointed out, the punctuation is horrible and the sentences are, in my opinion, badly structured:
"But wait, where do I get off saying that about Stephaine Meyer, well I don't I have never accomplished having anything published, any song recorded, or started in a box office smash, while she has an entire best selling series."
I understand the message of it, but the voice behind it is killed through poor crafting.
Hi Daniel!
So, I won’t correct your spelling because it looks solid. Your grammar is okay, though your punctuation is absolutely terrible. Punctuation is important because your sentences are often pretty confusing because I’m not sure where they’re connecting, or where you intend a pause. This can massively change how I read your monologue, so I’m hoping you can enter some appropriate punctuation in.
That said; what a long, dreary piece. Your ideas are no cohesive throughout the whole work and you often flail about the place without a good footing. You repeat yourself often and the ideas don’t become any more shapely or effective as you do. So essentially, we can reduce these paragraphs to one, or even two if you wanted. Which means you’re filling it up with ramble, which is just distracting and time consuming.
Toward the content of your work: reviewers use knowledge of what they like and don’t like to comment on a poem or prose piece. When someone is older and has been reviewing and writing for some time, they give more concrete advice. Being on websites like this one definitely aids the quality of a member’s writing, if they pay attention and continue to work hard at their writing. Of course, it is mostly the practice which aids the writing. Learning how your own words, phrases and ideas are shaped will slowly allow you to form better concepts in better ways. It takes a lot of time, in the end.
Your last two paragraphs are the good ones, they actually say something. That something is also worth reading, so I would suggest you refine from there, definitely. Talking about how you should work toward your goals rather than ignore them or let them pass on is always a good topic and suggestion.
I look forward to any changes you make to this, and hope they are of a positive nature.
-Pen.
A pretentious rant about pretention. I suppose the irony is worth noting.
First, there are blogs for a reason. If you're taking advantage of the submitted works system while completely ignoring it's purpose, that's a pretty crappy way of you to thank the community that exists here to help you. YWS is centered around reviews. Again, if you want to rant, go do it in your blog. If you want help honing your skill to learn how to make this rant hit home instead of wallow around and be annoying and silly, that's what we're here for.
The first thing you need to do is focus. This is all over the place. First, it seems like you're saying to just give up; there's nothing we can do. But the next paragraph says we gotta take the crappy jobs before we can get anywhere. The third paragraph is just name-dropping to no purpose, and then suddenly in the fourth, you're telling us to keep our heads down, work hard, and not get haughty about what we think we deserve. Finally, in the last paragraph, the topic seems to actually hold to the paragraph before it, which is why I feel like the last two paragraphs are what you actually wanted to write about when you set out on this rant, it just took you a while.
I learned from a respected teacher that it's almost always a good idea, when editing after a first draft, to basically just cut the entire first page. It takes you that long to get up and running, and almost -without fail- the story reads better without it. That's what you need to do here. You got all the yelling and silliness out of your system with the first three paragraphs, then landed on what you want to say.
Build your argument solidly. Get into our heads and tell us exactly what we're thinking when we feel entitled. Then tell us why we are wrong. Give us examples. Give us the proof you believe. Work harder.
That's my advice.
But especially
don't
waste
our
time.
Hm.