Published July 13, 2012
Dan- You just don't get it. We're two completely different people. (takes a deep breath.) I mean the me you know, it's all a facade for other people. To be honest I hate all this acting proper bull shit. (turn speaking abruptly.) Excuse my language but that's just what it is. I mean (yelling exasperated.) God, you don't even get it you can't see the clouds for the sky. You live in your perfect world of money and can only see the black and the white. (speaking in a slightly higher tone.) I mean you said you love money, and I barely even like money. Your perfect white washed world of money is disgusting to me. I mean the side that's black to you, poverty, doesn't have much appeal to me either but...I mean, you refuse to acknowledge the grey. (sighs impatiently waiting for a response.) You just don't get it, I'm not part of your polished perfect world, and I'm not part of your seedy underbelly I'm neither I'm free and I am me. I am part of that grey that you refuse to see and that's why we shouldn't be together. Look forget it you just don't understand, yeah I'll still see you Friday. Yeah we'll go see the damn Fiddleworms, who ever the hell they are.
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139,622 Literary Works • 672,630 Reviews
Dude, I almost died laughing at the end. Nicely done. I wish that I had the balls to break up with somebody like this. Many, many of my exes deserved far worse and you've inspired me to be more forthcoming from now on.
There's just a few technical details that I've spotted:
"To be honest I hate all this acting proper bull shit."
There should be a comma after "honest" and a hyphen between "bull" and "shit."
"God, you don't even get it you can't see the clouds for the sky"
I feel like this line is supposed to be two sentences. Like, "God, you don't even get it. You can't see the clouds for the sky."
"Your perfect white washed world of money"
There should be commas between "perfect," "white," and "washed."
"Look forget it you just don't understand, yeah I'll still see you Friday."
These should be three separate sentences. Ex: "Look, forget it. You just don't understand. Yeah, I'll still see you Friday."
Sorry for being all nit-picky and what-not. But aside from these small things, I love this. You're hilarious, and I would hate to be the person on the receiving end of this rant. Nice job!
This is well done, but a fairly harsh breakup if I do say so myself. Though there are a few things that could be fixed, starting with this line.
I'm neither I'm free and I am me. I am part of that grey that you refuse to see
It rhymes, a fairly cool rhyme at that, but it doesn't exactly fit. It is as if he starts singing, and who would do that during a breakup?
Other than that there is some missing punctuation, a few commas would go well in the line "I'm neither I'm free and I'm me". It's a little confusing as is.
Great job though and I am looking forward to seeing more.
This is well done, but a fairly harsh breakup if I do say so myself. Though there are a few things that could be fixed, starting with this line.
I'm neither I'm free and I am me. I am part of that grey that you refuse to see
It rhymes, a fairly cool rhyme at that, but it doesn't exactly fit. It is as if he starts singing, and who would do that during a breakup?
Other than that there is some missing punctuation, a few commas would go well in the line "I'm neither I'm free and I'm me". It's a little confusing as is.
Great job though and I am looking forward to seeing more.
Hi there! This was pretty good!
Nitpicks
This didn’t seem like a very strong opening argument or whatever. Because people generally are completely different… because they’re not the same person.
For other people or for Dan?
What does this mean?
Is this a common saying or something? I know the trees/forest one. It sounds like you’re trying to be creative when your character is very angry and impulsive and not thinking about coining new phrases.
I’m afraid I don’t quite get your black/white/gray thing. “White-washed” has racial connotations and I don’t think that’s what you’re going for.
This seemed too abrupt to me. I mean, what happened? She just finishes concluding why she wants to break up, and then she says to forget it? Why?
General
I like this. For the most part, you captured the right tone for the monologue. It's that one cloud part where I think you slipped.
Again, I think the ending is too abrupt. I think we need to see the reason for the change.
Otherwise it was good! Keep writing!
Prolix