Published September 23, 2011
It happened so long ago
That the oldest star that light up the sky we see
Was only a spark playing in the dark
And didn’t even know that a star
Was what it was meant to be.
I looked at you and couldn’t help smiling.
You were beautiful like a summer’s day
But didn’t notice my look and went away.
After that I wasn’t the same.
I kept thinking
“Oh, God, I don’t even know her name”.
My body is long gone, so I kept you in my soul
And the love I had in my heart,
It was so pure that is now a spark
Just playing in the dark.
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140,254 Literary Works • 673,072 Reviews
It went way too fast. I didn't see the story behind it very well. Actually, I saw the beginning of one, but then you went to the ending. What about the middle?
The "we see" part is really unnecessary and a bit annoying to look at. I understand that it was for the rhyming effect, but you can find other ways to end it. This stanza is also the longest one and you can shorten it by a great deal. Try some other piece of imagery. It does not have to be that dramatic.
These two stanzas made me want to scream. It was a crush? Love at first sight? You need more of a story! Please work on it. Have them talk to each other and the girl doesn't like him or some stupid thing like that. I don't care what it is, but make it into something.
That's all I really have to say. Sorry if you don't like it but that is my opinion.
Ciao.
Hello Adriana,
This paragraph didn't make all that much sense to me, and yes, it was the opening and it kills the mood. Firstly, because it does not rhyme and secondly, because I couldn't find a 'meaning'. Consider changing a few wordings to make it clear. This line doesn't really make sense. Did you mean 'I didn't notice to look and went away'?My overall impression on your 'narrative poem' was that I didn't find it all that 'narrative'. I didn't get the story behind it. It was just like an abrupt piece -the meaning of which I didn't really understand. Your imagery by far, was missing and to be honest, I suggest you edit it altogether and start anew with this. Some places that really bothered me were:
Mind you, I'm not trying to be a meanie here, I'm just trying to be honest. But I bet, with a few more adjustments and improvements, you'll turn out great!!!
Keep writing
----IdEa