Published October 19, 2011
We sat in the car,
you stared smiling at me.
We didn't know what was
to come, but we weren't
worried. You were still here
with me.
It was two days later when
I heard the scream. You didn't
make a sound. You were gone
sooner than I wanted. Sooner than
I would have believed.
I cried that day. It didn't seem
like it could be true. It was a
terrible, make believe dream.
I couldn't wake, couldn't escape
from reality.
I wish you didn't have to leave.
I wish I didn't have a hard time
trying to breath when I remember
you. I wish you were here just one
more day with me.
But I have to accept the fact that
you didn't see it coming. The fact
that you can't come see me. You were
here. Now you aren't. I just can't
seem to believe.
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This poem was interesting, and I can relate to it, but the specifics that weren't mentioned actually diminish the effectiveness and overall impact of this poem.
From the first stanza read I assume you were in a car, and whoever it was, was hit by something else, but two days after you are sitting with them, a scream? Just a scream? I understand it is meant to signify death, but that overall stanza itself, the conveyance was weak.
This poem has the effect of someone in shock, but also of someone who, in my opinion, is someone who has no true emotion. To be honest, there is no real emotion in this poem. I can this poem being great, but emotion, and more detail of the entire scenario needs to be expanded.
Hi there,
this poem is very moving. Although a lot of specifics weren't mentioned, I felt as though this was very rich with emotions. It's raw, and also very solid, but it still maintains a certain flow that can be hard to capture.
The only thing that didn't sit well with me:
-I appreciate what you're trying to say, but I feel like it comes off as a little cliche. That could just be me though.
-This was my favourite part. It's as though you're finally realizing that they're really gone forever... I can relate to this.
Overall it was very well written and I enjoyed reading it!
Happy writing
-Briggsy