Young Writers Society

That description about stethoscope is peculiar. Since stethoscope isn't a living thing, labelling it as snake make it seem alive, while the real thing is static.

The doctor stutters. Now, I have never meet a doctor in a critical situation like this, but we have all been to doctors for check up. Doctors are professional. I'm not sure if they are trained to talk with patients, but mostly, if not all, they talk with certainty and never stutter. Because stutter makes someone look like they are nervous, or having a difficulty to talk, in which I suspect the doctor is related to Carla and the father. That's the only possibility I can think why he stutter, because he too, just like Carla, is upset by the fact that the father is dead. But then, Carla is addressing the doctor formally, so maybe it is the doctor who has stuttering problem.

Or maybe he is a new doctor, which make the father his first dead patient, which also make him surprised and disbelieving because he just fail to save a life.

Why Carla spat out without hesitation? She's nervous earlier, and should have be more nervous when the doctor comes out of the room, because she didn't know what happen in the room, and she's hoping her father to be fine. So, instead of without hesitation, maybe she spat out quickly, because all speculations are running in her mind, and her heart is beating hard. Or slowly, because she can see the sorry in the doctor's eyes, and yet she still ask if her father is fine.

Your writing is fine. The description is also okay. The way you end this piece with Carla crying, it's like putting a full stop to the piece. It make me think that Carla's world ended with her father's dead, which it is, because Carla can be seen to love her father from her action.

Beautiful and tragically sad, pulls at my heartstrings for sure and makes me think of certain people. The emotion is tender and I can just see it like a scene from a movie in my head of the heartbroken women. People that love someone with all their heart, this must be their biggest fear, of losing that one someday. I enjoyed getting the emotional pull from your story as it got me thinking and remembering. Keep up the excellent work

Hello, Adolia1998! Gxldencrxwns here to leave you a review and a warm welcome to YWS!

The first thing I noticed about this writing is the way you wrote okay. When you're writing a story, it needs to be written like okay, with no capitalization. I understand if you normally say it like that, but it's not a very good idea to write like you text when writing a story.

Secondly, in this sentence: "Please let him be OK." she whispered to herself. After okay, a comma should be there in place instead of a period.

Thirdly, in this sentence: "Is my Dad OK Doctor Robertson?" she spat out without hesitation. I have to things to say about it. After okay, there needs to be a comma, and since she's asking a question, I don't really think spat should be there. It seems out of place. Asked, or if you want to get something similar to spat, asked coldly would be better. It's always important to look out for stuff like that.

And lastly, when Doctor Robertson is talking, it needs to be in a separate paragraph. The new paragraph would only be one sentence, but it keeps things more organized, but it helps the reader someone new is talking. You wouldn't want your readers mistaken who is talking, would you?

Overall, you have a firm story and a good plot, but it's still a bit rough. I'd suggest editing and fixing the mistakes that I (and the other reviewers), have pointed out. The work will improve greatly!

Keep writing!
~gxldencrxwns

Hi there! I would first like to say that I know you aren't finished with this, but I like where it is heading so far, as many popular books, especially dramatic ones, begin with a death or tragedy, so I look forward to reading more of this As for my review, I really found only one problem:

"Is my Dad OK Doctor Robertson?" she spat out without hesitation. Doctor Robertson lips shivered as he Tried to communicate to her, "I-I am so-or-ry Ms. Carla but..."

^^for this the only issue is that since Carla is speaking for the first time, it should be a new paragraph, and when Doctor Robinson begins to talk, his sentence should be a new paragraph also.
Along with that, it should be Doctor Robertson's lips shivered, but that is a small mistake that can be easily fixed.

Overall, I liked this. I thought it was dramatic, descriptive, and enticing. I look forward to learning more about what happened to Carla's dad so please continue writing! No amount of bad or good reviews should deter you from that!

Hey there Adolia1998, welcome to YWS!
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review

Carla sat properly in the waiting room. How does someone sit "properly?" I mean, is it proper because that's where she's supposed to be or is it the way she is sitting? Her feet trembled and her heart pounded as her eyes remained fixed on the closed door.Ok, so if I were you I would suggest changing up the writing a bit because, you used the word "her" three times in one sentence. Be careful about becoming repetitive "Please let him be OK." she whispered to herself. A tall man burst through the door and began to approach her. "Burst doesn't really sound like the right word to use here. Its too desperate sounding. His head glistened under the fluorescent lamp scintillating light. He was dressed in a white coat and a black snake with a round head was rested around his neck. New line.Carla stood abruptly as he came closer, "Is my Dad OK Ok, shouldn't be fully capitalized. Doctor Robertson?" she spat out without hesitation. Two things: one new line and two, why "spat?" Spat sounds like she is mad at the doctor, but in this situation wouldn't she be concerned instead? I mean, you wouldn't "spat" so to say at someone who is trying to help save a loved one right? Doctor Robertson's lips shivered as he tried to communicate to her, "I-I am so-or-ry Ms. Carla but..."He's a doctor right? So, doctors are trained to deal with stressful and emotional situations. By saying that his "lips shivered" and that he " tried to communicate" makes him seem unprofessional. Make sure you match the character to the profession.

Tears began to cascade down her face as she listened to him, and her body fell instantly to the cold ceramic tile. She was soaked in a large pool of her own tearsI don't like the ending for a few reasons. One, it's too cliché and predictable. Two, the final sentence doesn't make much sense [realistically] since you cant really cry a pool of tears. Three, her body cant really fall, she can fall, but not just "her body."

Hiya, Adolia! My name is Clare and I'm here to give ya a review. And by the way, welcome to YWS! Please don't be deterred if it looks like a long review - sorry if it's a lot to read! Okay, so here we go:

Firstly I will say that I like where this is going. It's got a tone of loss and sadness, but also in my opinion a hint of mystery. For instance, why the snake? Of course, it's not normal for a doctor to have such a slithery sidekick, so it makes me wonder what kind of era or world this hospital is in (I'm not sure if you were going for that feel, but I think it's pretty cool!).

I'd also like to give you props for description - I can pretty easily picture the scene at hand, and the way you have written the text it remains easy to follow throughout the entire work. Bueño!

Now for some suggestions for improvement! I'm just going to go through chronologically with what I saw. Okie here goes!

The first suggestion I'm going to give is regarding your use of grammar/punctuation, specifically with the dialogue.
1.) '"Please let him be OK." she whispered to herself.' Here I think it is proper for there to be no period after "OK," and to replace it with a comma. I also think it'd be better if you spelled out the word, "okay" fully. So, it'd look like this: 'Please let him be okay," she whispered to herself.'

2.) Within your first paragraph are multiple mini paragraphs, and splitting these up would make for a better flow of the text, and make it somewhat easier for the reader than reading just one larger paragraph. For instance, I would break it up when you first mention the doctor, at, "A tall man burst through..."

While we're talking about Dr. Robertson's description, I think it'd be better to separate his description with that of the snake. You could easily do this with a comma after the word "coat."

Next, I would also make a new paragraph at "Is my Dad okay Doctor Robertson?" since this is the point at which new dialogue is spoken. Additionally (this is technical, and you don't have to, but just another suggestion), you might make "Dad" lowercase, since his name isn't "Dad" and Carla is not speaking to her father directly. She is just talking about him. Does that make sense?

Then I'd make a new paragraph "Doctor Robertson lips..." Also, it's probably just a typo but don't forget to make it "Doctor Robertson's lips..." and to make "Tried" lowercase. I know you probably know that and I don't mean to sound derogatory, just proof reading

3.) I noticed that in the doctor's attempt to communicate the bad news to Carla comes across as being very nervous, with the trembling lip and the stuttering, which doesn't really go with his earlier image: a tall mysterious guy in a white coat with a snake around his neck. Do you know what I mean? Depending upon the type of personality and aura you'd like this doctor fellow to have, this wouldn't matter, of course. I just think it would make a little more sense for Dr. Robertson to not have such a difficult time since he is, of course, a doctor who most likely deals with loss and the families affected by that loss quite a lot. (Unless of course you want him to be more of a creepy, scientist, mysterious character - I don't know where you'd like to take him yet!)

4.) My last point might be kind of petty, so I apologize if you think it is. I just think it'd be better to say, in your last paragraph, that "She was soon soaked in a large pool of her own tears." Adding the "soon" or a similar phrasing makes this part more believable, since she wouldn't immediately be soaked in her tears.

Hopefully these points all make sense and I explained them well enough. If not, I'll always be here to answer any questions you have! And of course, if you don't agree with something I said, keep in mind they are only suggestions. Besides, you're the author, and it's all up to you after all!

By the way, I definitely think you should continue this short story - I think it'll turn out great, especially if you keep it going like this. Your pacing is fine so far, and I bet you've got a lot of great ideas to continue this tale! Best of luck Keep on writing!

-- Clare