Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
~ Prologue ~
~ Sick, it’s all just a sick and twisted story for those mad of heart. ~
The rumble of wheels hitting the earthy ground echoed in the dense forest of pine and gold oaks in the east parts of Haven. Two men sat on a jostling wagon, pulled by horses that whined and nickered. The men's silver armor stood out against the vast plant life that reached towards them with knowing branches and leaves. Three moons were imprinted on the chests plates of the men as well as on a banner waving above the wagon. The moons symbolize their nation's pride in their ancestry.
A yawn cut through the once pleasant silence. Ned smacked his lips and shook his head, sleep fogging his mind.
“Ned, I swear on the moons if you fall asleep I will push you off this wagon and let the horses trample you.” Maddøx’s voice was like a knife against the still air. Ned rolled his eyes, the trees above them blocked most of the sun’s pathetic attempts to brighten and highlight their faces and moon freckles that dappled their faces.
“Do not use the moons in vain, have some faith, Maddybear.” Ned smirked, leaning back on the coach. Maddøx grumbled and his grip on the horse's reins tightened, his knuckles turned white.
“Do not call me ‘Maddybear’,” Maddøx spat, staring off onto the distant road towards home. Ned shrugged as the clopping of the horses hooves filled the stillness in the air once more. The two Moonknights were heading back to their home castle to gather more supplies for their troops on the south-eastern borders. Protocol dictated that once a month they had to send knights to gather supplies.
Maddøx and Ned just happened to be drafted for it this time.
“So do you think those plant lovers are going to put up a fight for the territory?” Ned asked, spinning his body and resting his feet on Maddøx's lap in a relaxed manner.
Maddøx grimaced and shoved Ned's feet off of his thighs. “How the hell should I know?” he asked, then let out a heavy sigh, “The Children of Gaia have no spines, they will give up that territory like a dog getting smacked for pissing on a fine carpet.”
The Children of Gaia were the people of earth, one of the five nations that called Haven home. The Lirs, The Demos, The Moonchildren, The Starseed, and The Children of Gaia. Each nation had their own political views, their own exports and imports, their own kingdoms.
“Really?” Ned scoffed a little, “They put up a good fight when Queen Lyra of the Lirs tried to take one of their northern islands.”
Maddøx barked a laugh, “If they even tried to fight our rune masters would just light them ablaze.”
Ned nodded, believing their kind, The Moonchildren, were the superior nation. Maddøx continued on, “Have you heard of the new Hybrid fever that's been going around? Queen Obsidian has been having her pick of the litter with those bastards.” He gave the reins of the horses a shake, they began trotting faster.
Ned’s voice became soft, “Yeah I have.” Unlike Maddøx’s tone which carried disgust and the shame that most Havenlings felt when they thought of Hybrids, Neds seemed troubled.
“You don’t actually feel sorry for those bloody runts, do you?” He asked and Ned couldn’t meet his gaze, Maddøx fell into a fit of deep laughter. “Of course you would feel sorry for them.” He scoffed and Ned's shoulders tensed.
“And what of it?” He narrowed his eyes, “They are Havenlings too, The fact that Queen Obsidian treats them like…” His voice choked up a little, “Like toys- well it's disgusting!”
Maddøx rolled his eyes, not caring if the product of affairs among different nations were being exploited, tortured, killed, sold, and enslaved to the wealthy or farms for breeding or agriculture work. The five nations of Haven all had disagreements and petty grudges with one another but the one thing they could agree on was Hybrids. The mistakes of the world.
Hybrids were the illegal crosses between the five nations. Hybrids were seen as braindead and unintelligent creatures of sin. Used as servants, field workers, or sold to the wealthy as exotic pets or to make themselves look even more wealthy.
Queen Obsidian and the Moonchildren specialized in their hybrid production and training. Using five pillars to create perfect dogs.
“You soft b–” Maddøx was cut off by a sudden lurch of the wagon. The horses stood up on their back legs and neighed loudly. Ned leapt from the wagon and went straight to horses to comfort them. Maddøx only got up because he wanted to see what stopped them from getting home on time.
“Hey easy…easy girls…” Ned stroked the horses necks. They stamped their hooves, their eyes dodged back and forth.
“Ned…” Maddøx grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back.
“By the name of Luna what Maddøx?” Ned huffed but then his eyes fell to what Maddox’s gaze was locked onto, “Oh…”
A small bundle of blue blankets was lying in the middle of the dirt path, making both the men’s heads tilt in confusion. Being the braver, if not less intelligent, of the two, Ned walked over slowly, his steps careful.
Maddøx followed behind, cautiously resting his hand on the sheath of his sword.
“What is it…?” Maddøx snarled, his brow furrowed worriedly. Ned shuffled forward, slowly crouching down and picking up the bundle. A tiny fist launched out shocking Ned, he yelped in surprise and almost dropped the blankets.
There was a child inside. Less than a year old.
The child began to wail and the horses started to jump and stomp again. Their bodies tensed and jerky. They dug their hooves into the ground as if to tell the men to leave the child and run. All for good reason, as both the Moonknights, so similar to humans, didn’t know what those of animal blood could feel.
“Mother of a tyrant, make it stop!” Maddøx yelled, covering his ears. Ned gently rocked the babe back and forth until it settled and cooed softly.
Ned moved the blanket away from the child’s freckled face. The cloth was not made of the normal wool they had on their world, it was torn and scratchy. Ned peered down at her chubby face. She furrowed her brow and yowled like an animal.
Her skin was fair and velvet, orange freckles splattered her face and a strand of coily forerunner auburn hair framed her face. She smelled faintly like wild fire.
Maddøx came up behind Ned and looked over his shoulder. Dog-like ears flopped out from her blanket; they were too big for its own little body, like they had not grown into them.
A smile slowly creeped over Maddøx's face as he snatched the girl from Ned’s arms. He held the girl up, they thrashed and cried, the smell of a child in the air made the horses panic even more. Maddøx chuckled, his tone lowered.
“Looks like we got a promotion.”
~ Chapter One ~
~ Seventeen years later ~
A grunt escaped me as I dropped onto my stomach in order to dodge The Striker. I flared my emerald wings to bounce back up to my feet as quickly as I could.
“C.903! You call that a dodge? Fall left! NOW!” White sand flew up creating a cloud of dust, blocking a few feet in front of me. The sound of metal clanking, swords and other weapons hitting against the flesh of other Hybrids echoed in my mind. Disorienting me even more than I already was.
A sharp pain from The Striker shot across my thigh as I toppled onto my back. I gasped from the impact and from the way I landed on my wings, the sand crawling under my fingernail added even more discomfort.
“Not fast enough, dog,” Kyra spat next to my cheek, I flinched out of the way before her saliva could hit my skin. Kyra, a trainer for Hybrids was in simple words- an ass. My ear twitched as The Striker shut down, the enchanted metals scraping imprinted in my ears like a bad memory. The Striker, a training machine made by the Moonchildren to make us more docile, seemed like nothing but a heap of an old knight's suit. The runes along it dulled into a soft fading light.
I sat up slowly and rubbed the back of my throbbing head. The sun was slowly falling over the edge of the high stone walls of the castle, their gray color matching everything but the white sand of the arena under my feet.
“You absolute infuriating hound, what have you learned?” Kyra stated blankly, not waiting for an actual answer before throwing her hands up in exasperation. “Nothing! You are lucky The Striker did not run that bat through your disgusting head.” Kyra was a brute, a big woman with dirt blonde hair. She wore heavy silver armor while all I wore was a scrappy loose fitting shirt, undershirt, and tight knee length pants that hugged my legs and were nearly disintegrating on my body from how worn they were.
I decided to ignore her yelling and look up into the cloudless purple sky. I took slow breaths to get the air back into my failing lungs. Purple sky meant it was almost sundown- which meant that I could go back to the enclosures and sleep, only to wake up to the same gruelling training in a few hours. Seventeen years I had been stuck behind bars and stone walls, that in return shielded us from the disgusted remarks of the people of Haven. The world the Hybrids called prison and others called home.
And for some insufferable reason- I prayed for more time in this godless world.
I shook my head trying to get rid of the daydreaming, I’ve been stuck in this crap hole my whole life and the chances of me getting out were slim to none. Would I like to? Yes. Have I tried? Absolutely? And where am I now? In the same bloody kennel with the same rusty collar.
My few seconds of peace were interrupted by an agonizing pain in my side. I groaned and fought back the will to curl up and cry. Instead scurrying backward as Kyra glared down at me, her smile screaming that she wanted to kick me again.
“Stand up!” She shouted, and I stumbled to my feet.
The last seventeen years of life I have been Kyra's personal punching bag. She trained us like dogs and our only reward was that we got to see her lovely face again. Day in and day out. My tail trashed back and forth, the fur matted from years of neglect.
“Look me in the eyes when I talk to you, you disrespectful creature.” Kyra's voice was low and filled with rage. Her face turned red with anger like the raw carcasses they gave us to eat. Guards who stood against the arena's walls tensed at the sight of the head trainer towering over me. A growl lodged in my throat and I weighed whether it was worth it or not to antagonize her more. Eventually the intrusive thoughts won and I stifled a pained laugh as I clutched the spot she had struck me with her boot.
“Hey maybe- just maybe if you didn’t scream at me and treated me like a living thing I might be… wait what was it…” I snapped, “Oh yeah! ‘A submissive servant, with no backbone’?” I bared my teeth and stood as straight as I could muster. Fully knowing that my response will result in her strangling the literal shit out of my body.
Kyra slowly stalked forward, the plates of her armor clanking as she got in my face. I kept my nose down, pointed at the three moon singles on her chest plate. The same full moon, half moon, and crescent moon as the patterns on the banners that hung from the castle.
“Look at me.” Her voice was cold and very slowly I met her gaze. My wings folded back tightly, an anxious habit I was trying to break. Without breaking my gaze she knelt down to where The Striker laid. She picked the bat up and tossed it up, swinging it at her side before she used it to lift my chin up further. The sensation made the skin on my neck pinch, I could see the runes slowly lighting up along the wood.
My stomach dropped and I glanced down at the bat before looking back up at her. My shoulders shook slightly and I took a sharp breath.
Way to go dumbass, you had to say it.
Kyra smirked, “At least you know when to be scared, eh?” She dropped the bat back down to her side and I took a relieved breath. Then instantly regretted it, she reared back and slammed the bat against my jaw. I went flying to the ground, warm blood rushed to my mouth and I pushed myself up with shaky arms. I spat out a glob of red.
“Hphm,” Kyra grinned and spun the bat around in her hand as she stalked around me. I slowly sat on my knees, holding my aching jaw. The Moonchild runes that had been etched into it seemed to be an echoing equation. Making the pain rattle my skull and go through my bones.
“Have you learned nothing about being rude to your owners? You never think about the consequences, do you… mutt?” She said into my ear, I tensed. Holding back the urge to spin around and punch her. I kept my gaze on the sand, her fingers traced the runes in anticipation for my response.
“I’m not the mutt here.” I said under my breath, yet my whisper made it to her. She stepped behind me and kicked my back, pushing me down.
She raised the bat back up, her eyes shining excitedly. I closed my eyes and clenched my fists against the sand, readying myself for the hard impact of the wooden weapon, but a voice cut in between us.
“Wait please!”
I turned, a fluffy wheat colored wing brushed my nose. Valor stood between Kyra and I, My chest tightened with anger. Not at Kyra but him.
I told him not to step in.
His gold wings flapped anxiously, the metal clips over his wings shimmered from the lowering sun despite their rusted state. The both of use bore wing slips, heavy metal just tight enough to keep us from expanding our wings. But unlike my wings that were scaly, emerald in color and absolutely too heavy for my body to handle; his were feathery and mimicked one of a bird. Well… A Starseed to be specific, one of the five Nations of Haven. But he wasn’t blessed to be born pure. Adorning his skin were patches of vibrant green scales along with a frill and tail.
“Yeah!” A small but very enthusiastic voice added. The owner stepped next to Valor.
Nuray was the shortest out of us standing here on the arena grounds. But she was by far the most determined one out here. Her coppery hair and purple-blue frill and tail were a nice colorful change in the endless white and grey around us.
“Leave Comet alone!” She said without thinking and I winced.
“Comet?” Kyra snorted, “It-it gave itself a name?” Kyra threw her head back and laughed, grasping her stomach. “What a stupid name! Wait wait- let me guess, you all gave yourselves names? V.905 what is it? Meat? And you, N.904? Nitwit?” She laughed manically, leaning against the bat for support, its light fading.
Valor stepped to my side and helped me up, but Nuray stood still, her head held high and her tail lashing viciously.
“Careful, Ray…” I whispered, my ears flipping back against my head as I watched her roll her shoulders back and stand up to a woman nearly five times her size.
Most people called Nuray crazy. Valor and I thought she was just brave.
Dumb?
Yes, but brave.
“No, actually! Our names are Nuray and Valor!” She said proudly her voice carried across the sands and got the attention of the other Moonknights and Hybrids. The guards stationed at the only exits of the arena to keep us from attempting to escape perked up and stepped closer like hungry animals. Waiting to sink their teeth into us. I felt Valor clutch my arm, Nuray put her hands on her hips.
Kyra didn’t care though, she stepped forward, her knuckles turning white from how tightly she was grasping the bat, “Say that again.” Nuray’s eyes widened but she stood her ground. As a hybrid you didn’t get a name, you were numbed like an object for an auction and in some cases- that was what you were. Not a living thing but a toy to be passed around. The five Nations were burdened with their mistakes.
Us. Hybrids. Those born of different cultures and parents. To be fair a better term would be ‘lack of parents’, none of us really met our folks.
But it wasn’t our fault we were here.
It never was.
“Our names are Nuray and Valor!” Nuray squeaked out, her voice becoming nothing but a lost cause on the wind. Kyra raised the bar over her head, a shock ran up my spine and I shoved myself forward as Nuray covered her head.
“Stop!” A surge of energy started at my feet and pulsed all the way up to my wingtips. It drove me forward and knocked Nuray out of the way, I landed on my knees and held my hands up. Squeezing my eyes shut as I waited for the blinding pain but there was nothing…
I opened my eyes slowly, I was grasping the other side of the bat. Cracks started from where my hands were and clawed their way up towards Kyra’s large and scarred hands. The once gray rune light turing a dark purple. Kyra and I both dropped the crumbling weapon and leapt back.
Not again…
My body began trembling, this wasn’t the first time something like this happened. It wasn't the first time my emotions got the better of me and I escalated the situation more.
Kyra took a sharp breath, gathering herself before jeering, “Hybrids. Unstable monsters.” She kicked sand up into my face and I raised my arms, she took the opportunity and grabbed my small forearms and yanked me into the air.
“Let me go!” I winced as my legs buckled to keep me upright on the sands. Nuray and Valor ran forward but were stopped by a Moonknight who blocked their way. Kyra threw me against the stone wall. I wheezed at the impact, falling to the ground. Vile, hot, metallic blood filled my mouth. I tried pushing myself up but my arms shook from the pain that rattled my body.
Kyra kicked me over with her foot so I could look up at her. She pulled her sleeve up gesturing to jagged and pale white scars along her arm.
“You see this you rotten mutt? I got this from your kind. You all are no good bastards that should not exist. Your parents are disgraceful for their affairs.” She spat through clenched teeth and grabbed the front of my shirt and pushed me against the wall. She grabbed my neck and held me, I quickly grabbed her arms to try and stabilize myself as I gasped for a good breath. She leaned close to my ear, her breath hot against my fur, “How about you do yourselves a favor and just kill this little family of yours and then throw yourself into my sword?”
Tears pricked my eyes, over Kyra’s shoulder I could see Nuray and Valoe. Worry painted on their faces. I needed to be strong, I needed them to hold on. I met Kyra’s gaze and coughed up an unpleasant amount of blood.
“Let-Let me go,” I choked out my voice cracking. I kicked and bucked my legs, trying to get her grasp to loosen. My body continued to shake and my ears flattened against my head.
Kyra hesitated before kneeing me in the stomach. I gasped sharply and vomited a little. She pulled back and let me slump against the ground, she kicked me one last time for good measure. I didn’t make eye contact; I just scrambled away coughing up blood. I held up the palm of my hand, trying to show her I had no more fight.
“Weak.” She uttered and then turned around and barked orders, “Trainings over! Take them back to the enclosures!” She stalked past the guards holding Nuray and Valor. Once she was far enough away I tried to sit up. Nuray sprinted over and skidded on her knees next to me.
“Are you okay?” Her voice was soft, her lilac gaze inspecting me.
I mustered a smile, because, in the simplest terms, I was not going to burden them.
“I’ll be fine.” I stammered.
“Oh, shut up!” She ruthlessly punched me and I groaned.
“Ray-”
“You’re clearly not fine you dingus.” She grumbled and lifted my shirt and yelled at me some more. “You're more bruises then person!”
Valor looked at the guards before walking towards us.
“You literally got beaten up again.” Nuray reminded me and I looked away.
Valor stood in front of me, looking down at me from his brown nose. His tone was soft, one of the only gentle ones in this cruel world. “You need to let Ray and I take some of it.” He added.
I ground my teeth together, deliberately ignoring his words. There was no way in this hell that I would see them get hurt, or worse, killed.
Valor, Nuray, and I had all been enslaved for seventeen years–give or take a few months. We were the only hybrids that shared a kennel, the only ones that trained together, and the youngest. We had been there for one another since we could beg. Under no circumstances would I ever let their blood spill like mine does.
“Guys, I’m going to be fine.” I started to stand on my wobbly legs. Valor put his arm under me and helped me to my feet.
We were an odd group.
Valor was one of the bigger hybrids, he had coily dark hair and soft brown skin. Beautiful soft wheat colored wings, and a green frill and tail. Nuray was small and yet carried herself the best out here. She had stunning moon shaped freckles over fair skin and a purple tail and frill that one could only describe as enchanted jewels.
Me?
I’m a scrawny waste of oxygen and food. A dork that didn’t know what to do with her awkward wide hips and shoulders. Or feet that were too big for my body. My ribs poked out of my chest, most of my meals went to my friends anyway. They were my priority and even if I tried eating my stomach was weak and would just make it come up the same way it went down.
I looked nothing like a standard Hybrid. My hair was an ugly mess of curls that had never been properly tended to. I had furry ears and large scaly wings that I didn’t know how to use. I had never known smooth skin. There were misshapen rubbery scars on every inch of flesh. An uneven and thick one ran from the bridge of my nose down to my chin, there were many on my legs and arms but the worst ones were hidden under our scratchy uniforms.
Everyone got undergarments, shorts, shirts, and if you were lucky- socks. Ohhh socks… how I loved them.
Valor continued to support me as we walked along the side of the arena to where the enclosure tower was. The arena was huge, it was a circle shape and had the only gate to the Moonchild town. There were stands along the right and left side of it. There was a platform facing the wooden gates too and doors underneath the stands that lead to the actual castle grounds.
“Com…” Nuray started speaking softly as she slipped her fingers under her collar to rub her raw skin. “So… I was thinking… maybe… you could use a medical visit-”
“Hell no,” I said and waved my hand dismissively, nearly knocking Val in the process. “Those ‘doctors’ are only going to like and prod me, plus what if you guys need them?” I asked, determined and desperate to stay as far away from the castle doctors as possible.
I had no desire to go to med bay knowing very well that I wouldn’t be back until the moons were high in the sky. That was when the halls and kennels were all dark and the sun was gone for hours. I didn’t mind sundown in the kennels, it meant we could rest for a few hours without being taunted by Kyra or being thrown into walls like a sack of meat.
“Comet,” Valor’s voice was warm and his arm tightened under me, “Just this once?” He pleaded.
The trainers gave the Hybrids three personal med visits per year. We could use them whenever we want and if I ask nicely they allow my friends to use mine. They could bring us in for check ups whenever they wanted though.
“You look like a dead body.” Nuray said and Valor nodded agreement.
“Just this once.” He added.
I groaned, my ears flicking back. “Fine! Fine.”
The two of them cheered and a small smile spread across my cracked lips. With Valor's help I limped towards a guard. The Moonknights were the guards of the Moonchildren. Stoic and emotionless.
Well, most of them. Every so often we would get a mildly sympathetic guard. But they were gone as quickly as the sun rose over the wall. I barely started to speak when the Moonknight cut me off. I tensed and felt my gaze drop, Val squeezed my arm in a comforting manner.
“Med visit?” He guessed, and I nodded slowly. He signaled for another Moonknight to come over and take Valor and Nuray back to the enclosures.
Valor slowly removed my arm from his shoulders, leaving me to stand on my own wobbly feet. I clutched my side and folded my sore wings back. The Moonknight shoved Valor by his shoulder to follow Nuray and the other guard.
“Let's get moving before you lose any more blood, eh?” He sneered and I nodded weakly and stumbled forward.
I recognized the Moonknight as Roe, an older Moonchild with light scarring on his face. Sometimes it was hard to tell who was who with their eye coverings but Roe was easy. After a decade of serving as a soldier he was given the luxury of feed duty. Walking around the enclosures with a bucket of meat.
He strode a few paces in front of me as we moved under the platform where our master would sit and watch fights. At the thought of her stomach did a very violent backflip.
We stepped into a long, dimly lit hallway that was at a decline. The warm torches cast an orange glow on their surroundings. The ground began to slope up and twist to the right. The opposite direction of our enclosures. The enclosures were on the left side of the castle, the med bay on the right. The Queen's royal hall was in the center and was attached to the platform.
The manor was so large that even when I laid on the ground I was not able to see half the sky. We walked past life sized drawings, like drawings we used to make in the first as children. But unlike the messy stick figures of our dirt-art the people in these portraits were prim-cut and clean. They didn’t have frills, wings, or tails. Just elegant moon shaped freckles and midnight black hair.
We walked past the drawing of a woman I knew well, Queen Obsidian. Our master. An odd name for someone who was supposed to be royalty. Then again I can’t be talking, my name isn’t even better.
In the drawing, she sat on her throne. Her legs crossed and her eyes narrowed on anyone looking back at her. I cowered even if her gaze was only a painting. I didn’t want to remember her cold touch and painful words.
The rumor of the castle was that Obsidian was psychotic. Honestly anyone that enslaves someone and exploits them is deranged. She was named Queen after the Hybrid massacre, at the nation's annual gathering to discuss things I didn’t really know or care about, someone freed the Hybrids. The ones that the old Queen and King had been breeding. Their Hybrid production had been at its best…but they were killed. A bloody mess of hate and resentment and years of abusing their very livestock and livelihoods.
That's me.
I'm livestock.
We continued walking, passing more paintings and heavy stone doors. Roe was quiet up ahead of me, all there was was the soft thump of his boots and the padding of my feet. But faintly… very faintly muffled voices drifted towards me. I stopped walking, the sound was coming from a room. The door was cracked and warm light flooded out of it. I glanced at Roe who didn’t seem to notice me stopping.
I swallowed back the aching in my bones and stepped closer to the door. My ears twisted around until they faced the door. I pressed myself against the wall, I could see the shadows of people from inside.
“You know the Hybrids are not ready.” A female voice said sharply and my chest tightened.
I stepped closer wanting to hear more. What do they mean that the hybrids are not ready… not ready for what?
“I know that, which gives us even more reason to speak to the Queen about this!” Another female voice said.
“And? She won’t listen to us, and I’ve told you they are not ready. By Luna's name- we are not ready!” She sounded desperate, “They are all either too young or too old.”
“Which is why we need the program.” The woman said sharply, my ears flipped back.
Program?
I began to lean closer to the door.
“Hello there little one,” a scream escaped me and I toppled forward. My elbows hit the stone ground painfully and I pulled my tail close before the door could slam shut on it. My lungs heaved and I looked up.
It was a man I had never seen. He had a long white coat on, there were moons and stars embroidered onto the cuffs and collar. But the coat was a mess, stained and wrinkled. The man's posture was no better. He looked half awake, he had dark marks under his eyes.
I stumbled over my words, my eyes scanning him. Under a pair of silver rimmed glasses were a stunning pair of eyes. One gold, and one blue. I had never seen something like that. They popped against his dark skin. His smile faded at the sight of my red shirt.
“Well I hope you didn’t murder dear Roe,” he said, his tone playfully. He extended his hand and I flinched back, my teeth clenched.
Why the hell is he being nice? Was he blind? Or was he just mad in the head?
“Come one now,” he then reached down and grabbed my hand. Pulling me to my feet, “Med visit?” He asked, slowly tilting his head, he had a small well trimmed beard and dreads that were tied up.
I swallowed my fear, “That ob-obvoius?” My wings folded tightly against my back and I lowered my head. He smiled, it was… warm.
“Well, it’s not often we see you on our own accord,” he replied thoughtfully.
Suddenly, thundering footsteps approached us from the right as Roe ran up to us, panting. Did he only just realize I was here? I bit my cheek, to stop myself from smiling. He is going to chop my hand off.
“Ah Roe.” The men stepped between Roe and I. I froze. Okay, so he was mad in the head. “Lovely seeing you.”
“Dr O’Crowley.” Roe said, catching his breath.
“Please call me Reuben,” he said politely. Roe glanced over Reuben's shoulder, I cowered and moved my gaze from his.
“My apologies Reuben, we shall be on our way.” Roe patted his thigh, noticing the gesture I cautiously took a small step forward and around Reuben. Going to stand behind Roe, my heart pounded in my throat and I kept glancing at the slammed door.
“No actually, I’m heading in the same direction as you.” Reuben said and before Roe could even blink he was walking ahead of us. “Come along now dear Roe, let us walk together.”
Roe stood there glaring at the back of Reuben's head, I pursed my lips and took a step forward and waited for Roe to yell. When he didn’t I took longer strides to catch up with this odd man in the white coat.
The walk finally took us past a window; it was getting dark, the sun was now behind the wall. Casting a huge shadow over the castle. Valor and Nuray were going to be alone for a while, my tail fell limp and I looked at the ground
Maybe I could tell the medics that I was fine and they would let me back early. No, they wouldn't… they would just wanna keep me around there as long as possible.
“Who kicked you?” My chin snapped up at Reuben's question. His head tilted ever so slightly as he slowed his pace to walk next to me.
“Why do you care?” I bit my tongue immediately.
Shit. Behind me Roe tensed at the tone in my voice, Reuben only frowned, he looked hurt.
“Can’t I be concerned for an adolescent like you?” He asked.
“...Ado…Adolescent?” I tried the word out, “I don’t know what that is.”
“It’s like a child. You know what a child is?” I nodded my head. “Well, an adolescent is someone between an adult and child.” He explained.
Roe snorted in amusement, my face heated up and I looked away from the two of them.
“How old are you?” Reuben asked, his voice soft.
I shrugged, “I’m not sure. Around sevent-”
“The dog won’t understand you O’Crowley. Its brain is the size of a grape.” Roe said, my chest tightened and I held back a loud sigh. I wasn’t that dumb, sure I didn’t have the privilege of knowing how to write or read but that didn’t mean I didn’t know my own age.
“I highly disagree, sir,” Reuben smiled, “Many Hybrids are sentient. This one clearly is, if you had just let her speak then maybe we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Now, Roe, I believe I am capable of taking this child to the med bay, hmm? Yes? Good lad, now off with you,” He dismissed Roe with his hand. Roe glared at him before turning on his heel and storming off. I slowly twisted my head and stared blankly at him.
Reuben let out a breath and dusted off his coat, “So…seventeen?” He asked and I answered with a nod.
“Yeah. I’m seventeen.”
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NOTE: I'm definitely not the target audience for story and characters, so I won't bother with those.
Hey Adelaide!
An interesting read, with some good bits and some bad. But, I'll be honest, and cut to the chase: the whole thing is over-written and, at points, purple. There is a very fine line between great lyrical prose, and over-descriptive purple writing. Your first paragraph is most symbolic of what I mean:
I can SEE the vision, but it's way too overwritten. This is a very common mistake people make when they're trying to write complex, beautiful, lyrical sentences that linger in readers' minds long after they're done reading, so I'm not going to spend too much time on it - but it's worth pointing out. For instance; "The rumble of wheels hitting the earthy ground echoed in the dense forest of pine and gold oaks in the east parts of Haven." is just too noisy as a sentence, and it doesn't earn its complexity.
In other words, your writing tries to bite off more than it can chew. Cut back, I think, everywhere. It will only help. The vision is there, it's just all jumbled up right now. I recommend reading William Gibson - he is a MASTER at description without purple. And don't read Tolkien or people of his calibre; you simply will fall short and a copy-cat of Tolkien is one of the most boring things to read.
There is also quite a bit of telling, not showing. Best example:
"Ned nodded, believing their kind, The Moonchildren, were the superior nation." and "Unlike Maddøx’s tone which carried disgust and the shame that most Havenlings felt when they thought of Hybrids, Neds seemed troubled." just destroy the fragile immersion you'd crafted. It's a tricky thing to get right, especially since you're doing a bit of world-building here, but remember that the more obvious and clear you make what a character thinks the LESS interesting they become. You want to reveal slowly, but never too slowly. It's a tricky balancing act that you'll learn to master only with experience so KEEP WRITING!
Then, in Ch.1, your purple writing turns simple and almost way too vague. For instance:
"metal clanking, swords and other weapons hitting against..." that does not create a vision in a reader's head. More specificity here, please! The telling and not showing continues too, because we don't need the inner monologue to tell us Kyra was an ass - your writing makes it clear enough.
Again, here you don't need to reiterate that they were worn. It's pretty clear from the description. Also, your tenses are all over the place in chapter 1. Pick one, I recommend past-perfect, and stick with it, please.
TLDR:
I apologise if this is scathing. I just see the potential. You can be better. Keep at it!
This was literally so helpful, it feels like no matter who I ask I can never actually get feedback like this! I really appreciate it! I don’t know the term purple though might go look it up. 😞
Purple, in this context, means you've done too much. Like you're squeezing too much out of your paragraphs, and as you squeeze, they turn purple.
Does that help?
Also I'm so glad you found my review useful!
Yes it does! I always feel like my writing tends to be too much of a mouthful.