Jeremy walked slowly out of the school building, a despondent look on his face. scrapes covered his knees and arms and his eye welled with tears. The other children rushed past him happily calling to their friends in a flurry of backpacks and jackets. The wind blew a cool breeze and Jeremy walked quickly down an empty sidewalk. Cars passed him sleek and shiny and new. Not the old rusted truck his mother always drove. Jeremy ducked his head and shifted the weight of his dinosaur backpack to his other shoulder.
As he furthured himself from the light and laughter of the school he slowed his pace. He looked down at his feet as he walked already dreading the next school day. He heard Casey's vicious laughter ring in his ears. He felt him pushing him on the blacktop again and again. Jeremy's blood boiled and his breathing was rapid. A rock found it's way in front of him. He drew is small foot back and kicked it as hard as it could. The rock went sailing into the air and bounced multiple times on the concrete. He ran after it and kicked it again and again, until his anger somewhat dissapated.
He heard a buzzing noise beside him and swatted at the air. Someting connected with his hand and hit the ground. Jeremy looked down at the insect still buzzing. A striped pattern of black and yellow covering it's body. Jeremy slowly picked up his foot and let it hover over the helpless creature, imagining it was Casey trying to squirm away. He put his heel on the ground and slowly lowered the arch of his foot onto the buzzing bee, adding pressure until he heard a slight crunch. He picked his foot up and saw the bee still squirming. He kicked it with the toe of his sneaker. Watching it writhe in agony. He began stomping down on it furiously until it flattened to the ground.
"Stupid Casey, Stupid Casey," he muttered venemously under his breath. He stoped and peered at his victim. His chest rising and falling rapidly. His foot came down one last time on the bee and dragged across the sidewalk smearing the insect until it was unidentifiable.
Jeremy ran the rest of the way home. His shabby house on the corner came into view and as he sprinted through the door he let the screen slam behind him. He threw his backpack on the floor and searched for his mother. The house began to darken as clouds covered the sky. Thunder rumbled and Jeremy's heart sped up. He searched the livingroom. It was dark and the ceiling fan whirred with no trace of his mother. He ran down the hall and into his bedroom. His mother kneeled on the floor beside his bed, a hamper beside her. She gathered dirty clothes in the hamper gingerly as she was always so gentle. She turned her head to him and smiled.
Jeremy ran to her falling to the floor and wrapping his arms tightly around her waist. He took in her familiar scent of safety and love. His face pressed into her back against the soft wool of her beige sweater. Her long brown hair tickled his face and he smiled.
Later that night Jeremy sat in his room looking out the window. He gripped his maple wood bat in his tiny hands. He swung imagining hitting a baseball hearing the crowd cheering. A noise from outside distracted him. The neighbor was guiding his dog out the door and into a fenced in yard. The small dog barked noisily and Jeremy thought it sounded like Casey. Always yelling, always demanding. He wanted it to shut up.
Jeremy walked out the house quietly, making sure his mother couldn't hear him. The sky was dark and the wind blew, threatening rain. Jeremy looked around cautiously as he approached the metal fence with the yapping dog. He pulled on the hatch to the fence and it swung open slowly. The dog came close to Jeremy and he held his hand out. In it the promise of bacon. The dog sniffed around on Jeremy's hand and began to lick greedily at it. Jeremy pulled his hand back luring the dog all the way to a deserted alleyway. When out of site Jeremy sat the bacon down. The bat was against the wall and as the dog feasted Jeremy picked it up. He slowly raised it up over his head. Looking down at the dog he imagined Casey's face there instead. He brought the bat down with great force and connected with the dog's scull. He heard a sickening crack and the thud of the dog hitting the ground. A strem of blood ran from the dogs white fur and his eyes looked up at Jeremy, dark and lifeless. Jeremy wiped the remenants of blood off his bat with his shirt. He looked around to see if was being watched and when he was sure the coast was clear he walked brusquely to his house. He entered the door and ran up to his room shoving the bat under his bed. He shed his shirt and lied in bed.
A few minutes later his mother came in the room and tucked him in. Singing sweetly into his ear as she brushed his hair off his forehead. He savored her gentle touch, and her fluid voice. He only meant to close his eyes for a little while. He had never fallen asleep when his mother sang to him. But the accomplishments of the day made his body tired and his mind at ease, and soon the only thing he saw were the back of his eyelids.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Overall it's a nice piece. Your inclusion of the dinosaur backpack is a nice indicator of his age. He clearly gets picked on and is a mama's boy, so to speak. I can't say much for his mental state. As we all know, children who go to the extent that he just did (killing a Dog) generally turn out to be Serial killers, but the choice to write this is interesting. What made you do it?
I only joined 3 days before you so I'm not reputable in my reviews so don't take anything I say to heart yet. Just helpful suggestions below. I have a terrible habit of over explaining things when I talk and it badly affects my writing, so through editing, I've developed a pet peeve about unnecessary detail withinand repetition. The advice below is mostly just that. Take it or leave it.
Not a fan of the wording here. Just not a fan of pointing out the obvious. It's common knowledge that wind blows, and I feel like saying Wind and Breeze in the same sentence is unnecessary. Redundant even. Maybe something more along the lines of "A cool breeze shot past"I feel like your character is lackiing in the anger department when it comes to the dog though. He seems to me to be more angry at the Bee than he was at the beagle (I imagined a yippie yappie beagle, annoying little sons of...) and I feel like the bigger kill should be the more elaborate. He just kinda killed it, wiped the blood off and went home. No emotion. Yet he effing DESTROYED that bee. Seems backwards.
Otherwise I see no problem in the work aside from some grammatical errors and spelling errors. But that's what spell check and final editing are for. No need to worry about those until you have full intention of considering this page 100% DONE.
Other than that, I have nothing negative to say about it. It's decent for a first post on the site
should this be "he felt her pushing him" - also, wouldn't use felt. Remembered, maybe.
just go with "He looked down at the Bee."
combine the sentence with the fragment.
same as earlier, insect and bee in the same sentence. Redundant."His foot came down one last time; dragging and smering the bee until it was unidentifiable."
I feel like you could talk about the sudden change in the weather BEFORE he enters his house, giving him a little more reason to dash. It's a weird break for him to be searching for his mom, the weather, then his mom again.
Second use of the word hamper feels unnecessary but feel free to keep it. Again, I'm just picky about unnecessary detail if you can spare it.
I feel like these could be combined. But also, I feel like it's weird that he's swinging a bat if he's spending his time looking out the window. Maybe get rid of him swinging.
once again, stating the obvious. You're quiet so people can't hear you. Easy fix, just remove quietly or mentiond he sneaked. Sheaked could mean a number of things and is a better alternative to "walked out quietly".
sounds funny. try "The dog came close and jeremy held his hand out."
just remove these 4 words completely. you just mentioned the hand, no need to repeat.
This paragraph is huge and in 2 different settings. break the paragraph into 2 after the word alleyway
this sentence is weak. Always remember, you've got to remember how people talk, and how people react to hearing something. Nobody would tell you "he closed the door harshly" when "he slammed the door" is not only simpler to say, but it paints a better picture. "He slammed the bat across the dog's head".
Or, since you're going to mention the sickening crack in the next sentence, you can actually forgo the other sentence altogether. Leaving out the line could even sound much more ominous. Artistically speaking.
"Looking down, he imagined Casey and he was overwhelmed with anger. The sickening crack of the bat and the hollow thud of the body were all that could ease his rage. The blood soaked eyes stared up at him, dark and empty."
this entire section should just be re-written. he checked for onlookers before returning home. I feel like a kid running up to his room in a blood soaked shirt is risky but it's your story. 'He shed his shirt' makes it seem like he just dropped evicence on the floor for the whole world to see. change 'lied in bed' to 'climbed into bed'.
combine the two, change 'his hair off his' to 'hair from his'.
and finally the last bit.
it all sounds weird. too many sentences for too few ideas maybe. 'he only meant to close his eyes for a little while but today's accomplishments had been more tiresome than he'd expected and soon her song carried him into darkness. He'd never fallen asleep to his mother's singing before."
Thank you so much for the review, revisions will be here soon
. The story came about when my brother and I were in the foyer in our church and on the linoleum was a beetle. It had been stomped around and you could see tracks of it's guts everywhere. So I changed it to a bee and made a story out of it 
weird right?
Not at all. As my girlfriend likes to quote: The most beautiful things are those that madness prompts and reason writes.
I've had weirder ideas during even weirder circumstances.