Richard

Hey Adeera,

This has got a pretty good flow and rhyme. However, I think your main problem here is, as June says, the cliched content. The theme of teenage infatuation is so done to death it makes this whole poem boring to a reader (unless, perhaps, they're still hormonal). The language you use is also pretty straightforward and uninventive and you repeat ideas, try and pack more meaning into less lines if you want to make a bigger impact.

Good luck.

Hi, Adeera, June here,

I'm not too sure that the elements that you've constructed your poem out of are working to your advantage. Because you chose to structure your poem as you did by using rhyme, you've limited yourself to trying to fit everything that you need to say and work with into this restrictive suit, and because of that, your poem won't be as great as it can be, because it will be subject to lines that are arranged in a funny way so that the word on the end rhymes with the word on the end of the line prior.

Along with that, the infatuated theme is really overused, and I think that if you really want it to seem different to your audience, dear, you need to engage new things about it, meaning that you need to go above and beyond the common, expected images, such as this kid taking your breath away, you being desperate about seeing him again, etc, etc. All of these things are common for the theme, and this makes us wonder, why should we care? Make us care! Make us want to see a part of this love story, because right now, I'm not sure why you're telling us about this if you're not giving us more.


June

Hey! I'm Hailey.


Your poem was great, in my opinion. I loved how it seems based on something that has really happened. And I also enjoyed how you named the poem after the young man in the story that you were telling. Another thing I noticed was how you told the story but also threw in there that because you only danced with him and didn't technically get to know him, you didn't care much. Because it was more of a dream to know him.

Keep it up! Loved it!

Hey I really liked this! But there are a few things in my opinion that could be changed

I went to the dance not knowing what to expect
when you asked if I'd swing I couldn't reject
you swirl, turned, and dipped me all over that floor
I laughed and I spun till my sides were sore
I left the dance early didn't get to say bye
and knew that never again would you twinkle my eye

after that you were only A face I wish I knew better
when I look at your picture my heart goes pit-patter
the age difference is four years
but I'm not using tears
and I'm not losing sleep
but still your the one I wish I could keep.

it's been a long while I think maybe these first two lines should be made into one
you still cross my mind
but when you crossed more than that i had to rewind
was that really your face I saw over there?
in a blue striped polo and your dark brown hair?
the last place I expected was the mall parking lot
I just couldn't move I froze to the spot
I flushed and walked on as I contemplated
was I really truly so deeply twitterpaited?This I just like, and think is funny
that my head was spinning my heart was pounding
my hands were sweaty and it's cheesy sounding
but when breathing becomes a choreI liked these two last lines
you really don't care the age difference is four

even after that your still only a face I wish I knew better
when I see your picture my heart still goes pit-patter
you'll be leaving soon for two years straight
and I'll be here just wishing I could date
thought should this be though? I'm still not using tears
and I'm still not losing sleep
your still the one I wish, oh I wish I could keep

Ok, so I also think that capitalizing the sentences, and adding periods would be good. But besides what that and what I commented on in the poem, this was very good!

Hi Adeera,

Thanks!

hey this is really really good! I like how the girl doesn't care about age differences and how she thinks her feelings are in control when it isn't. nice job there!