Published June 8, 2012
Stamps
Your ink-polished teeth and your wide, flaming eyes
shine, as my words shine, as we pas-de-bourrée,
as if our waltzing was to say
“I send you, in writing, allegro-highs.”
I want to connect to your love, my own.
And balancé into the world with you;
and carrier pigeons – we'd seek freedom too
and shimmy – and rumba – crude as foam.
But we're stuck in inertia – grandes batons en cloche
and the church bells ring with a deafening drone
as the world's lines break; you let go. Sent alone.
I'm unknown, on the floor – arms limp, no reproach.
And the hips swirl round, and the shoulders pump.
Machines, you and him. The beauty of life.
What I had – blotted notes – was nothing to strive
for. I know you wilder; you yearn to stamp.
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Okay, I have to put on my grumpy old musician hat now. You are using the musical/dance terms, but without saying anything about the movement that they evoke, so they end up being kind of meaningless. I understand the terms that you are using but it still feels really aggressive to put that on the reader without giving them much else to cling to. I don't think we have a responsibility to dumb art down, but I do think good art can communicate, and if you are using intertexuality you need to make sure that the reader can work out from the context what something means and give them a vivid image. Italo Calvino, for example, used different styles and jargon because he combined scientific, artistic, musical and philosophical ideas to enrich the central tale he was telling. In Cosmicomics, he takes a fragment of scientific theory, for example that the chemical composition of the primordial sea was similar to blood, and then fleshes it out poetically.
To me this poem does not get past the terms it uses, the central premise is interesting, but it is overshadowed by you showing off, basically, changing from different dances constantly without portraying any of them in any meaningful way. Tom Stoppard says, if you are writing well, you should feel lucky, not smart. Go get lucky.
Hi Adam!
First, I must say this was a really nice poem though a little confusing. But I loved the way you've used some Italian and some French here.
Some things I have to say is the flow. You're kind of lacking there. Its not really continuous. Let's get on with that, now.
Now this stanza was very dramatic and romantic! I loved the part where you take waltzing in. So, this stanza was pretty much the best. ^^
Now here, I don't think you need an accent on "e" for balance because it already gives out the meaning, but if you want to give it a French style, then let it be.
And, its "on my own" since, you want to do it.
Also, it should be "And like carrier pigeons" since you want to have freedom like them.
Now, comparing with the previous stanza and this stanza, they have no relation at all. Its like you just jumped into a new topic all of a sudden, making it confusing and the lack of flow occurs. Here, its like your talking about war. I'm not really sure, but oh well. I think it must have been a tad better.
I really don't get what this poem has to do with Machines. O.O Its so random! Also, there mustn't be any full-stop after "for". But I loved the fact you've come back to waltzing again, and you had a great ending. You started and ended it on a correct basis, but in between you lacked.
Overall: Wonderful poem, and I loved it! Just so, you have to improve on the flow of the poem and where all to insert some words! ^^ I would rate this a 7/10.
I'll looking forward to more your works! x)
Keep Writing ~
Cookie
Hello! Roxy here!
First of I think that this is a beautiful piece! simply wonderful!!
"Your ink-polished teeth and your wide, flaming eyes
shine, as my words shine, as we pas-de-bourrée,
as if our waltzing was to say
“I send you, in writing, allegro-highs.”"
I think it'd be nice if you used a different word than "shine" twice, just to try mix up the vocab a bit
I also think that you should put "I send you, in writing, allegro-highs" in itallics to really express that its someone speaking!
But I love your description of the teeth! its so original!!
"I want to connect to your love, my own.
And balancé into the world with you;
and carrier pigeons – we'd seek freedom too
and shimmy – and rumba – crude as foam."
I love the idea of the carrier pigeons and the idea of them carrying the freedom-sorry if I'm reading that wrong btw!
"But we're stuck in inertia – grandes batons en cloche
and the church bells ring with a deafening drone
as the world's lines break; you let go. Sent alone.
I'm unknown, on the floor – arms limp, no reproach."
I love the idea of the the church bells, which normally signafy a marriage,but yet you are alone on the dancefloor-again thats just my reading of it so correct me if I'm wrong!
"And the hips swirl round, and the shoulders pump.
Machines, you and him. The beauty of life.
What I had – blotted notes – was nothing to strive
for. I know you wilder; you yearn to stamp. "
I love the expression of the dance and the emptiness of the partner and how well that the partner actually knows her(I'm presuming its a her!)
I really loved this poem to bits! I hope to see more from you!!
PM me if you've any Qs!
--Roxy