Published July 19, 2011
They think it's sexy, I agree, I guess.
It's our nice game where you tie me to you
and I will run away with you, to seek
wood that can fuel our joy; let the smoke cloud
our vision. Let me smell your soul a-throbbbing
against mine - like a puzzle piece. A key.
Unlock me, swap me tickles for my fire.
Just hold me. Feel the klink - feel me inspire
your head with metal on the outside, but
flesh on the inside - clasped as one in your heart.
We'll stop then - in a clearing. Breathe. A place
where you're my sky and I'm your sun, we'll walk
bare-foot on grass made from the other people.
We're cuffed here - our lost selves exchanged for freedom.
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That was amazing work! It is dramatic, intence, the only problem i have found is rhyme. Dont get me wrong it is very good just doesnt completly fit together.
But you trully are a exceptional poet and have deep talent on the subject.
Continue the good work.
There isn't much wrong with this work; however, one point I would make is nto to use the word 'sexy'. I can understand you're trying to reflect public opinion, but I don't feel that the rest of the poem is sexual enough to allow this word to make sense. It just doesn't feel right.
Aside from that, I think you did a wonderful job, so well done my friend. Keep writing.
All in all, it was a good poem. I just didn't quite understand it all. Hopefully my review made sense and is helpful. Keep writing!