Handcuffs

by AdamBH

Published July 19, 2011

They think it's sexy, I agree, I guess.
It's our nice game where you tie me to you
and I will run away with you, to seek
wood that can fuel our joy; let the smoke cloud

our vision. Let me smell your soul a-throbbbing
against mine - like a puzzle piece. A key.
Unlock me, swap me tickles for my fire.
Just hold me. Feel the klink - feel me inspire
your head with metal on the outside, but
flesh on the inside - clasped as one in your heart.

We'll stop then - in a clearing. Breathe. A place
where you're my sky and I'm your sun, we'll walk
bare-foot on grass made from the other people.
We're cuffed here - our lost selves exchanged for freedom.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
WRITINGNEON
Review
WRITINGNEON wrote a review Review · Jul 20, 2011

That was amazing work! It is dramatic, intence, the only problem i have found is rhyme. Dont get me wrong it is very good just doesnt completly fit together.
But you trully are a exceptional poet and have deep talent on the subject.
Continue the good work.

User avatar
MamaLama95
Review
MamaLama95 wrote a review Review · Jul 20, 2011

There isn't much wrong with this work; however, one point I would make is nto to use the word 'sexy'. I can understand you're trying to reflect public opinion, but I don't feel that the rest of the poem is sexual enough to allow this word to make sense. It just doesn't feel right.
Aside from that, I think you did a wonderful job, so well done my friend. Keep writing.

User avatar
Cailey
Review
Cailey wrote a review Review · Jul 19, 2011

They think it's sexy, I agree, I guess.
It's our nice game where you tie me to you Try fixing this so that you don't have you used twice so close together. Also, nice is a weird word to use there, you should try finding a different adjective. However, that is just an opinion.
and I will run away with you, to seek
wood that can fuel our joy; let the smoke cloud I liked this line!

our vision. Let me smell your soul a-throbbbing I don't think you should have had a stanza break here. Not only is it in the middle of a sentence but it's in the middle of a thought and a phrase.
against mine - like a puzzle piece. A key.
Unlock me, swap me tickles for my fire. This line was confusing. I just didn't understand how tickles fit into this.
Just hold me. Feel the klink - feel me inspire
your head with metal on the outside, but Inspire your head seemed like an unusual way of saying this, but that could just be me.
flesh on the inside - clasped as one in your heart.

We'll stop then - in a clearing. Breathe. A place
where you're my sky and I'm your sun, we'll walk
bare-foot on grass made from the other people. What did you mean by grass made from other people? It almost sounds morbid to me. Might want to change that.
We're cuffed here - our lost selves exchanged for freedom.


All in all, it was a good poem. I just didn't quite understand it all. Hopefully my review made sense and is helpful. Keep writing! :D



the crickets are humongous
— snapshot