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16+

Exert from a book that I’m writing

by Adaijah


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

"He's bad for you."

His statement startles me. But I act like I can't hear him and continue to shift through the papers in my locker. I can see him impatiently staring at me from the corner of my eye.

"Lauren," he says firmly.

Oh god, how I hate hearing my birth name.

"Hmm, what did you say?" He doesn't buy it.

"You heard me."

I close my locker and my eyes lock with his. His face is almost expressionless, but his eyes almost plead with me.

But trust me.

I know. I know Casey isn't good for me, but who really is.

"Ren, listen to me"

I was always listening to him. I never stopped. Every word that comes out of His mouth, i cling to. Every movement he makes I study. Sometimes I feel as if I am a adolescent staring wide eyed and open mouthed at something fascinating. And he truly does fascinate me. From his choice of words to even the hair products he uses. He fascinates me. I can see myself with him. Every part of myself belonging to him.

I almost sound desperate when I say

"I'm listening."

August takes a deep breath before continuing.

Fight for me please.

"He does not respect you and does not know your worth and you’re going to regret ever meeting him.”

Too late.

“I mean,”

He scoffs and shruggs,

“I don’t even know what to say anymore, Ren.”

You don’t have to say anything.

He speaks his words so firmly yet gingerly, as if trying to tip toe around me, to not anger me.

I'm not mad because I know he's right. And if he is right than that also makes me right. This is something that I've known my whole pointless year of burdening myself with the company of Casey. Except for the two months where I was completely smitten by him. Not because he was sweet or kind or anything, but because he was the exact opposite. He didn't care about anything and I think that was what was thrilling to me.

He has only complicated my life, introducing me to alcohol and wild parties. Let's not forget the time that he slipped a pill into my mouth while we were kissing. Or the time that he slapped me.

I can't say that I was shocked that he hit me. Not the fact that I made him mad but just because thats the type of person he is.

I knew what he was from the moment that I looked into his steel grey eyes, the same eyes that use to make my heart flutter. Now they just make my mouth go dry.

But I could fall in love with the one with eyes the color of the ocean.

I turn my attention back to the mess of things in my locker. I ask casually,

"And why does it matter to you?"

Monroe just stares at me. I cringe internally as I wait for his response.

His mouth parts and he closes it back.

I was wishing to snatch back my words until he said something more profound than I could imagine,

"Because you matter to me."

My hand that was idly sifting through the stacks of papers in my locker froze.

I turn to Him. He was leaning on the wall of lockers. His gaze fell on my face and then to the ground.

If I would have seen Casey waltzing down the hall with his idiot friends I wouldn't have done it. Or maybe I would have just to spite Casey.

I close the door to my locker

"I..."

I don't know what I was about to say. I didn't have anything to say so I leaned in and kissed August. He stood still for a second, I guess startled. Then he rested his hand on my arm moving it up behind my neck.

It's as if the world froze. Conversations in the hall halted. Students stopped in their tracks.

He parted from me first. Something that I never got from Casey.

August is not like Casey. He isn't invasive.

August looked down at me with a mixture of confusion and amusement and then his gaze flicked up over my head.

A small laugh escaped his mouth.

I looked up at him. From the look on his face I can tell what he saw. Who he saw

I groaned externally.

Casey.

August has the same quality that attracted me to Casey. He's fearless. The world could be ablaze and they would both still hold their heads high. And thats how I know that none of these two are going to back down from this fight.

"What the heck do you think you're doing, August!?"

I heard his voice before I could see him. Loud and clear.

His timberlands pounded the tile. An accusing finger pointing at August. His friends fall back and look expectantly. Along with everyone else, they were waiting for a fight.

"Casey," I said almost pleadingly. I hated the tone in my voice.

I hated the tone in Casey's even more,

"Shut up, Ren!"

I expected that.

"Hey, don't talk to her like that!" August interjected.

Gasps escape everyone’s mouths. Including mine.

A small smile creeped on Casey's lips.

He was like a hyena being challenged. I bite down so hard on the inside of my mouth I can taste iron.

"Aww, the new kid finally speaks."

I don't even think August expected Casey to slam him against the wall of lockers.

A small noise escapes my mouth.

The doors on the lockers jolt. Casey has one hand gripped on the sleeve of August’s flannel and one arm pinned against his chest.

One students yells, a freshman of course, "punch him already Casey!"

August doesn't move a muscle. He's not a fighter. I can tell by the way he speaks. A jagged breath leaves Augusts’ lips.

Casey stifles a laugh and then regains his composure,

"God, August, didn't she warn you about me?" He mocks with a grin.

August eyes were fixated on the floor, but at this remark he raises his eyes to Casey.

"She doesn’t even talk about you, Casey.”

His voice was calm and low.

At this Casey's smile fades away.

He looks as if he is going to take one last shot at August, but instead lowers his arm and storms away. He doesn't even glance my way. His group of idiots follow as well.

August releases his breathe.

Everyone disperses, murmuring in sheer disappointment.

I’m still holding my breath.

Because I know that this is not the last battle in this war 


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139 Reviews


Points: 5405
Reviews: 139

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Mon Feb 04, 2019 11:10 am
Biluata wrote a review...



Good morning to you (at least, morning from where I'm standing)! This is Biluata here to give you an early morning review, so please bear with any sleepy rambles. That being said, onward and upward into the review!

Like @Liberty500 said, welcome to the community! Just to make sure that you're aware, in your title for the piece, exert should be "excerpt." I know it would frustrate me if I missed that!

First Impression

The plot seems interesting. There are some things that gave me a lot of pause. For example, you have some issues with your dialogue usage and the 'show don't tell' rule could certainly be applied in a few places. I'll point those out further down as we go in the review. These issues are some things that I think will clear up the more you practice! I'm sorry if this review comes across as harsh. I assure that it isn't intended that way. Rather, I do try to be as thorough as possible because that is the kind of review that I'd like to have. That being said, do feel free to contact me if you'd like to discuss any of my comments further. I'm always happy to engage with fellow writers!

Characters/Character Developement

I will try to keep in kind that this is only an excerpt, so a lot of character development can't really be expected. However, there are a few things that I feel obligated to point out. Monroe saying "Because you matter to me" detracts a little bit from the depth of your characters. It's a very cliche line and its usage turns Monroe from a three-dimensional character to a two-dimensional one. That being said, as an overall evaluation of character, I see a lot of action but not very much emotional expression. That would be okay in say, an action scene, but in a scene like the one you are writing, it's the expression of emotion that gives your characters depth. Without it, it becomes more of a boring, flat read.

Grammar/Flow

"He's bad for you."

His statement startles me. But I act like I can't hear him and continue to shift through the papers in my locker. I can see him impatiently staring at me from the corner of my eye.


At the risk of sounding too harsh, I hate this opening. It's very cliche and it doesn't help you set up the future writing. You create the idea that this writing is just another high-school drama when you open like that. Other than that, I would change "impatiently staring" to "staring impatiently." You also have an issue with the "But". You need to either add a comma at the end of your second sentence ("His statement startles me") or you need to delete it. Otherwise, you run into the dependent clause masquerading as an independent clause issue.

Oh god, how I hate hearing my birth name.


The "Oh god" seems rather out of place. It also gives a set timeframe to your work (meaning that this work can only take place in a time when people used the phrase "oh god" in a casual context). I would like to see some more work on incorporating the slang/common phrases of your target period or no slang/common phrases at all. Otherwise, the worldbuilding aspect of your story is rather lacking.

"Hmm, what did you say?" He doesn't buy it


This is a dialogue/grammar issue. The "Hmm" is a sound being expressed in a quotation. This might be more of a matter of personal preference, but adding it to the quotation seems rather awkward to me.

I close my locker and my eyes lock with his. His face is almost expressionless, but his eyes almost plead with me.


Get rid of the 'almost.' It's softening language and generally speaking, softening language is a good thing to avoid.

But trust me.

I know. I know Casey isn't good for me, but who really is.

"Ren, listen to me"


The transition from "But trust me" to the next line is very awkward and honestly, it doesn't make a lot of sense. I (as a reader) am left confused by the shift. You're also missing a question mark after "who really is" and a period after "listen to me."

I almost sound desperate when I say

"I'm listening."


Same thing as above, about softening language.

August takes a deep breath before continuing.

Fight for me please.


Same thing as above about the awkward and confusing shift. This one occurs between "continuing" and "fight."

His mouth parts and he closes it back.


"Closes it back" is a very awkward phrase. I would recommend rewording or choosing a different phrase.

One students yells, a freshman of course, "punch him already Casey!"


You need a capital "p" for "Punch." The "a freshman of course" needs a comma after "freshman", but the whole phrase is a little awkward.

A jagged breath leaves Augusts’ lips.


"August's lips" is the correct phrase.

"She doesn’t even talk about you, Casey.”

His voice was calm and low.

At this Casey's smile fades away.

He looks as if he is going to take one last shot at August, but instead lowers his arm and storms away. He doesn't even glance my way. His group of idiots follow as well.


Personally, this doesn't make sense to me. Why did Casey back down? From the hotheaded, wild character type that you've already established for him, that would have just made him angrier. Without more context, this action makes little sense and causes the reader to lose some faith in you, as a narrator.

Final Thoughts

I think you have a lot of room to expand and grow with this story! I'd love to see some more emotional exploration as well as more context given for some actions throughout the piece, but I'd love to see future works/chapters from you! Again, another warm welcome to the YWS community and I hope to see you around!

Cordially,
~Biluata




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53 Reviews


Points: 3016
Reviews: 53

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Sun Feb 03, 2019 3:01 am
Liberty500 wrote a review...



Hi Adaijah!

Liberty500 is here to drop of a review for you! :)

Oooh, looks like you just joined! Well... WELCOME TO YWS! <3

Okay, let's get straight to it now! Your story was really great, but you kinda started off randomly. You didn't really tell your readers anything about your characters. It was pretty confusing to read so many names but not know who was who. But I guess I kinda got the idea of the story. Another thing, the genre of your story didn't really go well with the story itself. Also, your title for the story was pretty... weird. It would have been better if you made the title which would have made the story sound more like the story, does that make sense? Hopefully.

Now, I'm just gonna point out some of the things that weren't quite right.

Number 1:

"Every word that comes out of His mouth, i cling to. Every movement he makes I study. Sometimes I feel as if I am a adolescent staring wide eyed and open mouthed at something fascinating." In those few sentences you made a few mistakes. In the first sentence, you made "His" capitalized when it was not needed. Also after the comma (,) in the first sentence, you made "i" un-capitalized when it was supposed to be capitalized. Then, in the second sentence you need a comma (,) in between "makes" and "I". Another thing: In the third sentence you wrote "...as if I'm a adolescent...", it'd be better if you turned that "a" into a "an". :D

Number 2:

"I almost sound desperate when I say

"I'm listening.""

In the above part of your story, it'd be better if you didn't put the "I'm listening" part under the "I almost sound desperate when I say". So basically just turn it into this:\

"I almost sound desperate when I say, "I'm listening"."

Do you understand what I mean?

Number 3:

The "Him" in this sentence: "I turn to Him." does not need to be capitalized.

Number 4:

"I close the door to my locker" Don't forget the period at the end! Same with the sentence below:
"Because I know that this is not the last battle in this war"

Anyways, hopefully that helped! :) I'd love to see more of your stories soon!

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500





"The adventures I enjoy are usually of a literary nature."
— Henry Winchester