Ships and Sailors
We're sailing through
The ocean breeze
Feeling so calm
Feeling so alive
As we launch our sails
Into the endless seas
We saw the dry land
Beneath the blue sky
It shines
It glimmers
Like a pearl
Underneath the ocean
We look at our telescopes
And found what
We're looking for
What we're looking for
A place to dock our boats
A home for us sailors
We saw the dry land
Beneath the blue sky
It shines
It glimmers
Like a pearl
Underneath the ocean
Hurried to put our anchors down
We launched ourselves forward
Towards our destination
Full speed ahead
Full speed ahead
With smiles on our faces
We saw the dry land
Beneath the blue sky
It shines
It glimmers
Like a pearl
Underneath the ocean
We have ships
We're sailors
In this sea
We call life...
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello there <3
Not sure if you're going to see this but this damsel is here to free you from Green Room tower! Hopefully, you can make use of what I've written here -- somehow.
I'm going to jumpstart my rotting brain and begin with my critique:
Given that you didn't add a recording + the repetition, I defaulted into a musical-esque tune/theme. I rarely find any works written for ships and sailor, especially one that's solely about them so this was a breather.
You've got a consistent metre in most but there are some that exceeded or fall short such as
I'm not saying it's wrong, but I just want you to be aware of this ^^ I've mostly seen 3-6 syllables per line and I know how important these are for the rhythm of the song. I wanted to point this out because this might disrupt the flow and the overall production may come off disjointed.
Unlike your other verses, this 3rd verse doesn't have a rhyme scheme. I listen to songs a lot and the rhyme scheme is vital. It makes it more catchy and memorable. That might sound like you're serving your listeners, but I doubt this is a personal song. It targets an audience so to at least feed a bit to your listeners (without compromising the message ofc) would do some good.
Instead of "smiles on our faces," you could say "mouths drowning sullen sounds.(6)" That would then couple that last line with your first line. This is just a suggestion/example of course, feel free to make use of it.
I found it hard to know which lines to tie with each other because throughout the lyrics, the rhyming pattern isn't consistent.
First verse >> 2nd & last line
Second verse >> 1st & second to the last line
The pattern of repetition (in the 3rd verse) isn't linear with the other two as well. They're usually inside the third and fourth line, whilst this one was on the fourth and fifth. Consistency and pattern is key in songwriting, unless this is an indie song.
This is about 13 years old but if you still have the song-record, I'd like to hear it. When you come back to yewis, I suggest adding a recording of the song as it lends us to write a more thorough and accurate review.
I also reserved a question for this verse: The setting is a bit confusing, where they landing to the destination or where they are still leaving? I hope it isn't the latter because then the lyrics didn't progress at all. Storytelling in songs aren't mandatory but your intro felt like an exposition, so they should end up somewhere right? Or you could focus on the emotions. So far, there's very little personal touch or insight inside the song. What's so beautiful about cruising in the seas? What is this destination and why do they have smiles on their faces? It'd be best if you put some of yourself in here because, at this point it still feels removed.
It's also hard for me to connect with the song because the words are pretty generic (i'm so so sorry for being harsh): you could describe more than just "dry land" or "blue sky." Probably some specifics like "an uncharted island"/ "an island living after its due date" or (i can't really think of anything for blue sky, because this is something typical to say) how about adding a different sensory image instead? Are there birds humming in the sky? What does the air taste or feel like? Etc.
This is consistent in terms of syllable number, which is great but they don't really add much to the song? It's a repetition that came off redundant rather than adding additional impact. A guide question that might help you make compelling repetition is "so what?" "Why is it important?" Right now, it's v direct and an unneeded synopsis.
Probably adding some nuances would work (are the sailors the typical ones we think about? Or where there stowaways? Refugees? Even if the ambience is filled with blithe and enthusiasm, will they come across something dangerous? Similar to the Bermuda Triangle?)
Here's something that might help you with your repetition!
That's all I could say! Hope this review helped you. If you have any questions, ask away. Also, I'm sorry if I was harsh at some point