I often glance at the door, hoping you'll show up
I cry every time someone mentions your name
I wish every second that this is all a dream
I scream inside like some how it's my fault
I beat my chest with my fists until they turn purple
You stare at the door, wishing he won't come home
Tears stream when he shows up yelling your name
You pray you some how wake up from your nightmare
You scream in the mirror, blaming yourself
You take a deep breath... and pull the trigger
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi! This is a great poem. It grabbed my attention right away. You described the emotions very well. The only thing I really noticed is you may want to add some punctuation. You may choose stylistically to not but any punctuation in it except at the end to express the finality of pulling the trigger. Other than that I think it was perfectly done!
This poem is flawless, filled with emotion, and raw beauty people actually fail to recognize these days. The pain behind this is so evident, it forces the reader to become enveloped in all that this is.
This is seriously genius, and heartbreaking, I am confused as what to feel.
The sentimental aspect of all of it is so overbearing, I am not sure as what to concentrate on this review, other than once again saying it was flawless. You are the keeper of feelings. Although it is tragic, you have a gift and I hope you continue to use it.
This poem is a 100/10.
No that wasn't a typo.
-Sbitonti
This poem was filled with so much emotion that it made me chock up a little. I saw that this was in fact based on one your friends. As first when I was reading I like aouther2b thought that it could have been split between lines 5 and 6. I was a little confused but got there in the end.
When I read the poems title I felt like it would be just a generic poem about some generic subject matter. Indeed the subject of suicide has been done many times before but the amount of emotion placed into this was just phenomenal. It was heart breaking and I felt guilty regarding my first impressions.
The end line actually had my mouth agape. I so didn't wish that this did happen to someone and it broke my heart even more to see that it was based off truth.
As I keep saying this is just dripping with sorrow filled emotions that make this poem so painfully beautiful. Well done. A fantastic and heartbreaking job.
I didn't even know how to start this review I was so stunned. This piece, its... amazing. I love it so much.
What I liked:
1. The emotion. Enough said. You put so much pain and remorse and mourning into this piece and it shows and it is just, beautiful.
2. The flow. I love how smoothly this flows. The rhythm is great.
What I don't like:
Normally I wouldn't put this section on such a sad and serious, and close to home piece, but this is a critiquing website and I feel like this has even more potential.
1. I feel like if you had put a space between the lines where you switch from talking about what you're doing to what he did, it would have a greater impact.
Overall:
There is so much sadness. I can't imagine the sorrow you must feel, but with this piece you have given a glimpse of that sorrow to so many people. I want to thank you for that opportunity. You really have put a great poem out into the world.
Broo you make me cry D:
Hi Abi, welcome to YWS. My first impression after reading this was, um... But have reading it a second time, I want to know, is this true?
It's a good poem, very intense and dramatic, and definitely tragic. But I'm curious if this is close to home for you, cause if it is, I'm so sorry. Which leads me to this, what made you write this poem? And what was the reaction you were expecting?
Thanks, Vivian. It's about my friend who committed suicide. Thanks for your review. The response wasn't so important. It was more about sharing and expressing what I feel.
Oh no, I'm sorry. Your not alone, not on this site.
We go to the same school @Vivian. she's definitley not alone. ever!
Aouther2b, I really appreciate your insight and positive reaction. I will take into consideration your critics and use them in the future. I appreciate your help.