Published July 16, 2010
I've posted this here before, but have edited it and revised it and done so again. Opinions?
Ever-glowing windows housing haggard, drunken men
Women dance in corridors and children jump on beds
People live the days of life, leisure worth their best
All of which is hap’ning in a million homes, no less
Husbands sigh upon the bills and rub their eyes in anguish
Clorox-scented housewives work to toil over dishes
People live the days of life and go about their chores
Children do their homework in a million homes or more
All the houses on the street are lined with endless deeds
Movements, thoughts, and actions always growing upon need
People live the days of life, endless in their woes
Sorrow thrives a million times, but ever on life goes.
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140,282 Literary Works • 673,074 Reviews
Hey,
This is a really good poem. I love the way you have depicted the lives of people from a houses perspective. The poem flows really well and you have shown the ability to interest readers by exploring basic things from an odd angle. Well done and keep writing.
-Blossom
Hey abigail,
I really like the rhythm of this piece, great metre.
You slip up a bit here in the second line. It's lacking a couple of syllables. Perhaps "housewives work to toil over their dishes"? or something similar.
I think the last stanza was the worst, it didn't really give anything to the overall theme. You started well, the first two set the scene, describe well, and I thought you might go on to really make this a killer poem. But then, out of nowhere, you've written four boring lines. i guess you were trying to tie it up, but I think, keep going! More details, more anecdotes. Otherwise, it's a bit stale. Really go crazy and try and make this better!
Oh, and you use the word "million" three times. Try and change that!
wow, that really was a good piece of poetry. i liked the fact that you put loads of description into the work, and that really helped to enthisise the effect of the poetry. the ryhme scheme was really good too and the syllables matched. all in all, a really good piece of writing as i said before, well done and keep it up!
thatboy
Hey. I really liked this poem. Simply fantastic! It has so much meaning and was written perfectly. At first I thought it looked a bit daunting by the length of each line as I haven't come across poems with line lengths such as this, but it really worked in this case. I do agree with kingolions that it seemed that this was written naturally. Excellent!
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter
Hey. I thought that this was really good. I thought it had a really good and consistent rhythm to it, and a more subtle rhyming that was really good and seemed natural. I also thought that this was a really good length. Normally have at least one nit-pick, but I just have to say I found none what so ever. This is a really good poem.