Published July 26, 2009
Husbands sigh upon the bills and rub their eyes in anguish
Clorox-scented housewives work to toil over dishes
People live the days of life and work upon their chores
Children do their homework in a million homes or more
Perpetually glowing windows housing haggard, drunken men
Women dance in corridors and children jump on beds
People live the days of life, leisure worth their best
All of which is happening in a million homes, no less
All the houses on the street are lined with endless deeds
Movements, thoughts, and actions growing upon need
People live the days of life, infinite in their woes
Sorrow thrives in a million times; “So it goes.”
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140,282 Literary Works • 673,074 Reviews
Trying to address the issues of the blind spots in society is hard to tackle, and you pulled it off.
The piece is very honest but not brutally so, and there is a sense of hopelessness in the words.
I can be improved in parts, though.
you may not want a sense of hopelessness in this because it can drag the work down.
Also, although you're trying to go for that sense of everyone is the same a lot of the characters are steriotyped, the housewife, the office working husband. This can make them appear 2D and flat.
Try and give the characters some life, give them some quirks.
Beside those things this is a great piece, the writing is textured and original and It goes for the right amount of time. The subject matter is delt with brilliantly with the write amount of depth and emotion.
Thanks for the advice, Young gun, and I'll post what I come up with in a new thread in a little bit.
Hi
This poem was a really simple way of showing how different people live their sorrowful lives.
You gave a great insight into households of different types with quite similar circumstances.You showed have people across different places choose to live their life.
All the houses on the street are lined with endless deeds
Movements, thoughts, and actions growing upon need
These lines really induces the reader to think of it's meaning and once understood makes really deep and great sense.These lines were constructed very well.
However think of other words to replace "so it goes.I understand the need for the rhyme but if possible experiment with other words to make the meaning more clear(For example......."and that is how it goes" which still keeps the rhyme intact)
In the last line, I meant for it to be, " Sorrow thrives a million times . . ." Please excuse the typo.
Abbi-
I really liked it. This poem reminds me of my family. You write really good. I never noticed that you did before. But this time i actually read your stories; instead of scamming your paper. And im glad you finally put up something =]. Well i'm glad your my best friend! Keep writing. This should get published.
--Jessie.