The foundation of love was thought
By the genius above, so I can't comprise the lords intellect
for meaningless sex.
It dangles in my chest,
while I observe the mess,
You see I'm in a part of pieces,
Fully Muslim but still pleading Jesus It's not a word I use indirected,
it's a substance in my cranium circumference that triggers
when I'm in a thought of judgement
Winter time snow freezes the sun
So I look up to the sky
Ask the world am I the only one?
Observe the earth and I see individuals with hatred and despise
With a temple full of lies
Practice their faith correctly but still tempted by Evils eye.
I'm wearing a disguise which shadows my bleak eyes
you see I antagonise the humours lies
that white the picture into being nothing bigger
than a toothless hiccup, feeling erupted with a heap full of mustard
Falling on my facial circumference
wait I'm speaking in past tense
switch the sentence
and
what you get is an outlet of a brain
Full of drugs and clips, bitches and bricks
money in the sink
washing away my stink,
it's a amazing talent
To be so knacked, but never giving in
So you can take out your balance and splash out on a phantom
In a room full of tigers and leopards
Fighting to the finish
it's exquisite the life that i live in
Hey Abid!
I'm Audy and I'm gonna be your reviewer today, so let's just dive right in, shall we?
My first impression of this is that it's got some nice grit to it, which I always like to see. The beginning stanza took a bit to soak it in, there's a hefty weight to that statement that is hard to swallow at first for an opening stanza, I'm not sure whether the speaker is trying to speak against or for meaningless sex, and what degree of meaninglessness is it refering to? These questions are thought provoking and keeps me wondering throughout the rest of the poem, once you get your teeth sunken into that, I quite love the degree of meaning that there is philosophizing over it.
Here is where my main complaint for this piece comes from -- we're not sure what "It" is refering to...? It's referenced again and again, but we're never clued in to what "it" is supposed to be.
The third and fourth stanzas are clear and I don't have a problem with them, I think they express their points poignantly, but it does seem a bit more rant-ish, I liked that you held back in the next part, and we're back to imagery by the last stanza.
All in all, loving the grit and the voice. The world you've painted definitely expresses that darkness held within the speaker. Looking forward to reading some more poems from you!
~ as always, Audy
Hi there, Abid155! I shall be your reviewer today!
My first impressions of this was that it was quite powerful and really sort of spoke the truth. Generally, I did really like it. I like the structure you used because it's not exactly the normal structure but it still seems to work because it still flows quite well. I can also imagine this being sung, so good!
As for critiques, I have a few Firstly, your language is interesting to say the least. I'd say it's quite vivid, which is a good thing of course. However sometimes I felt it's a bit too vivid? It's just a bit too much, for me, and I think it could be toned down just a tad.
Errr, where you? And remember capitals!
Secondly, from the title of this and the content, I can sort of tell what this is about. From what I can infer it's the narrator is in two worlds, a Muslim world and the world outside and they both really aren't what was expected. I think this was a really cool idea! However, it could be made slightly clearer. Obviously with poetry it doesn't have to make complete sense, but I think this just needs to be cleared up a bit
Sorry if this review wasn't really helpful. Honestly, I thought this was really good! Keep Writing!
-Tam
xxx
Firstly, I must say that I didn't find the title very flattering for this piece. I was surprised to see how unique this poem was after reading the title ^^;
I liked the poem a lot, it gets you to really think. However, it seems like the poem keeps losing focus (though admittedly, I tend to have this problem myself). You're bouncing ideas out but they sometimes don't have much of a connection with anything said in the piece.