Thoughts of a Stoner.
As my mind flies away to its highest peak, a sign of relief falls into
my anatomy, feeling like I'm taking over my thoughts like a monopoly
Excuse me please but i have a tendency to scrutinise
A potential beat before I put myself through the sheets
Cause she can be a freak
Pleasing everybody that she sees
Damn what a mentality
You can call it a tragedy
but I see it as facing reality
Cause I'd never want my woman
To be a beat, cause the day
I kill her, would be the
Day I assassinate myself
So I can finally rest in peace
Meaningful lies give no surprise
Why have u compromised your sight
As you've experienced her demise with her words full of hatred and lies
But still hold her close To please your anguished eyes.
Your beautiful to my kind, I'll have you know that the incentive to be better
Ends up as us being a couple in the future
But for now I can only wish
However as time develops
i'll throw these number of thoughts
Into the abyss and practice everything that Ive preached.
Understand this, I cant love much.
As the crust of my emotive layers
are slowly eroding away
in a heap full of dust
Connecting with the winds
Heavy gust which in time will fade
my everlasting lust
The foundation of love was thought
By the genius above, so I can't comprise the lords intellect
For meaningless sex.
It dangles in my chest,
while I observe the mess,
you see I'm in a part of pieces,
Fully Muslim but still pleading Jesus
It's not a word I use indirected
it's a substance in my cranium circumference that triggers
when I'm in a thought of judgement
Winter time snow, freezes my sun
So I Look up to the sky and ask the World am I the only one?
Observe the earth and I see individuals with hatred and despise
With a temple full of lies. Practice Their faith correctly
but still feel tempted by Evils eye.
The rest of the poem capitalizes the I. I assume this is a slip of the key -there's another slip of the key in stanza three.
You are beautiful.
What do you mean by potential beat? In this context, I think of a prospective lay or one-night stand or lover at the very least: however, the narrator later brings up beat. Stating they wouldn't want their woman to be a beat -and something about murder. What's up with that?
I don't understand why certain lines you don't capitalize the first letter, but you do so with the rest. It's a bit erratic. I like uniform design -a standard format, you see.
Lord's intellect. Or Lords' intellect.
The last stanza perplexes me with its selective capitalizations.
Why capitalize look? And if you're going with the concept of "The World" might as well capitalize The as well. Earth is capitalized -typical rule there. Hatred is a noun -that works: however, despise is a verb and therefore does not work. It seems you have it in place to rhyme with lies. What capitalize their?
Evil's eye.
I'll be honest with you. I'm not a fan of poetry. It's much too hard for me to comprehend much less review: however, I liked the rhythm and potential this one showed. I didn't bother with actual content since -again- I'm no poetry buff.
I imagine the contradictions and self-imposed grandiose speech is something a stoner would come up with.
Hey Abid! Nice poem, I'm going to give you a quick stanza by stanza review.
The first stanza is long compared to the rest. I don't know the exact rules when it comes to splitting stanzas, though. If it's like paragraphs, you split them where one idea ends and another begins, and since that stanza carries the same idea throughout, I would not split it.
The first stanza has a very nice beat to it. The overall idea is represented well. Great job!
The second stanza is stylistically great, as far as the overall idea though, this is where it gets a little fuzzy for me. I did not understand the first line, the third line is fine, and then the third line also had me a little befuddled. How did he experience her demise with her hatred and lies? Maybe a few more lines to demonstrate her demise would help clarify this line. The last line was great! It shows a lot of characterization for the secondary in this poem.
As for the first line, how is the lie 'meaningful'? I like the sound of 'meaningful' in this line, so I would try to add some lines to elaborate about the lies.
The third line has a typo, you used 'u' instead of 'you'.
The style of this stanza is really awesome, but at times it was a little confusing.
On to the third stanza! Just like the rest of the poem, it is stylistically great, but at times a little confusing. Some questions a reader might have at this point are, 'Who are your kind?', 'What thoughts are being thrown into the abyss, and what does the abyss symbolize?'
Those are questions that are hard to answer without keeping the tone of the poem, but I know you can do it!
For stanza four, there is a typo in the first line. 'Cant', should be 'Can't'. Also, I think you could find a better word than 'emotive' to describe his layers. 'Emotive' is a general term for the expression of emotions. What emotions is he expressing though? However, I will say this was probably my favorite stanza!
Stanza five is fine! I really don't have anything I would change there.
Stanza six was really awesome intile the next to last line. It was really on the right track until 'circumference'. I think that word was a little cumbersome and interfered with the flow of the stanza.
In this stanza, there are some typos, like the capitalization of 'look'. Other than that, it's fine! Great job!
I really liked your poem, it was very well written, and expressive. For the most part you express your ideas clearly. I would go back through and watch for little typos if I were you. Anyway, great job, and keep up the good work!