Published June 27, 2011
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Tears fall from all directions
Look at the Complexion Of a Life so far from perfection
You resemble My worst fears
Every time I Hear that your near
My guts feel like they been thrusted by a spear
This is everything but a dream
cause i cant come back to pleasant reality even if i screamed
so like many I've grasped a disguise
which keeps me away from the animosity and lies
They say my situation is Sensationalized
but it's only me alone with senseless pride
with light lies which cover up my
Nebulous insides.
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139,314 Literary Works • 672,529 Reviews
First of all, welcome to YWS and I hope you enjoy it here! I know I do! All I have to say is a few grammatical errors.
When you said
"Every time I Hear that your near"
it should have been
"Every time I hear that your'e near"
also when you said
"My guts feel like they been thrusted by a spear"
it should have been
"My guts feel like they've been thrusted by a spear"
other than that there were just a few capital letters that I wasn't sure if they were supposed to be there or not but great job on everything else!
Hi there Abid. Welcome to YWS, first of all! I hope you like it here.
As this appears to be something for a contest, I'll try my best to give you helpful criticism.
First off, the nitpicks. Little things like typos and stuff.
This should be "you're" and not "your". "Your" is a personal pronoun. For example: Your cat likes playing with wool. The other "you're" is a contraction of the words "you" and "are". As in: You're a human being. It is often that people confuse them, so don't worry.
I think you're missing a word here and that word is "have". You can either make a contraction of it (they've) or use it separately (they have).
Okay. When you shorten "because", or any other word for that matter, you need to insert an apostrophe ( ' ). It's just a rule there to indicate that it's not another word. Here, you mean " 'cause". Without the apostrophe, people may confuse it as "cause", such as This is the cause of Hurricane Katrina.
Secondly, all i's should be capitalized when used as personal pronouns.
Thirdly, "cant" needs an apostrophe between the "n" and the "t" because it's a contraction. Like: I can't feel my toes.
Now, onto the substance of the review.
A) Watch for capitals. I noticed throughout this piece that you capitalized certain words, but this isn't a poem where you can do that. It doesn't make for a very professional appearance at all. However, the first words of each should be capitalized.
B) Punctuation. Punctuation is a vital thing when writing poetry. Sometimes, poetry doesn't need punctuation, but a lot of them do. It really aids with the fluidity of the poem and indicates how, perhaps, the audience should read your poem. For example, should they read it choppily or a little more smooth? It all depends on how you punctuate it. Below is simply a suggestion for how I might punctuate one part of the poem.
C) Follow up. When I was reading this, I found that everything didn't really meld together as it should. Each line was pretty much a new idea and it came off kind of blocky. Try and link your phrases together and continue the idea instead of starting another.
Yours,
Lavvie