Published December 15, 2011
The duty of the definition of beauty makes me wonder
if the word should be dubbed as a blunder
Since The English language has
no clue, I guess it should be notified
There are no words that can ever describe you
So as we get closer and we approach the Climatic altitude of the sweet sensation
of our perfect conversation,
i can't help but wonder that out of every person
From every nation, I'm here sitting creating the words to humour ourselves
I feel like loves in store
And I'm wishing we get shelved
So as I notice that love moves swiftly
I can only hope Cupid takes a shot
at me.
My intention is trying to find
and define the motion
of which your mind speaks
By using different techniques
You see all these other girls class themselves as special,
but you think your ordinary
Which shows how your so unique
I Hope we can come across a boutique of flowers and in a few years
I'll picture your friends planning our baby shower
Your my angel, the gun to my holster
The range to my rover, the hand on my shoulder
Our love will only bring us closer.
Now as I approach the sunlight of your eyes
I initiate a process which my mind records every action
taken with a fine whitened chalk
Your beauty astounds astrologers
Your so out of this world.
I'm so in love with your actions
So as I fall blind to the ways of how me and my boys were taught
I feel like I should put a ring on your mind and Marry your every thought.
I remember the night
Where you laid by my side
As I pushed the blinds aside
To catch your face in the beautiful moonlight
while counting every eyelash above your radiant eyes
Our love is sailing on a blissful canoe
As it washes away our problems and brings us closer to the truth
Love is in the air, but I'm happy I'm here with you.
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140,775 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
The use of 'of' twice was a little awkward, but it was still quite a powerful way to start off
Too long, I would recommend you shorten it so it's not such a clumpy random piece.
Same thing about this line.
I must say, your imagery was lovely and your use of free verse left me in awe. I love free verse poetry and conforming to rhyme schemes is old hat. Keep writing dear! You've got talent.
Great imagery! Your words were very poetic and eloquent. There were some spots where I felt they didn't connect or flow as well as it could have, though. Plus, some grammar mistakes.
Period after 'blunder'. Some poems don't have proper punctuation or capitalization, but they have a sense of uniform to it. Since you're writing a lengthy poem, especially, you have to be careful of your punctuation, or lack of punctuation, and spelling errors.
Here's where I get nit-picky...
The only reason I would capitalize the 'T' in 'the' in this particular verse, would be if 'language' were to be capitalized as well. Because 'Since' is in front of 'the', you wouldn't need to capitalize it due to the fact of it being in the front of a sentence.
Capitalize 'I'.
or
Contraction: you are
or
Semicolon after 'shoulder', since in the upcoming line, you're starting a completely new statement. Again, sense of uniformity in punctuation.
Comma in between two adjectives/adverbs consecutively before the object it's describing.
or
There are some spots that I might've missed for periods at the end of the verses.
Now onto the actual composition portion of this piece.
I love the originality of the first line most of all.
I think you might want to change they in the fourth line to it, since you're talking about the language and not the speakers of the language.
The philosophy and deep thinking you weave into this without breaking the rhythm is amazing! A lot of people, or maybe just me, think about how lucky they are. About how out over every single person their significant other chose to be with/talk to/think about, etc. they choose you. This characteristic connects to the readers even more, making them more relatable and more three dimensional.
The only way I can describe this kind of writing would be like chain-writing. Like chain reactions or chain thoughts, you head in another direction off of one, small detail of the precious thought, sentence, etc. You turn from a serious, thoughtful tone to a more confident, playful, and loving tone. Excellent transition, whether it was intentional or not.
This was one of those parts that I was talking about. It starts off great, but the two words in the last line end a little clumsily. With your eloquent metaphor, chain-writing skills, put something in about Cupid's arrows or his affect of those arrows, or how you want to be shot, the intensity, etc. But the allusion to Cupid was good, just elaborate a little more.
This is probably my favorite part. But this also seems to end on an awkward note, as if you're expecting something more to be written about it after techniques. No specific suggestions for this one.
This seems to pop up out of nowhere...It's not that it's bad, it's just unexpected. I think you should make it its own section about him compared to everyone else, or just the specific ways he's unique.
I liked this little part too, especially how it changes analogies from something romantic, humorous, humorous, and something romantic again. You close it off nicely with the last sentence.
I have no suggestions for this; I just wanted to say how much I loved the detailed imagery with the chalk. Brilliant.
It seems like this snippit doesn't flow well together either. I don't know any specific suggestions.
Normally, this would seem a bit obsessive. But, it shows how much the speaker cares for the person of interest. It's definitely a different way to look at love.
Just, awwwwwww!
Overall, it was very eloquent, though there were a few trouble spots, explained in detail above. The main problem I had was probably the grammar. Be sure to proofread your work thoroughly, or run it through a Word document before you post it. Hope this helped! Keep writing.
Hey Abid155,
As has been previously said, your 'I's need to be capitalised.
Firstly I love what you're writing about. You use big words, small words, simple ones and metaphorical ones. I love them all and it really makes your work flow really nicely. This stanza in particular really got me:
Just a couple things though, as said, the 'i' has to be capitalised. 'Your' in the fifth line should be 'you're' as it is 'you are' rather than 'your' in the possesive sense.
So as i fall blind to the ways of how me and my boys were taught
Here comes up the 'i' again!
Last thing is that 'Marry' doesn't need a capital 'm'.
Well done, I enjoyed reading it!
NightWriter x
Wow. I'm really not so sure on how to review this when it's so beautiful. Every time you say "i" it needs to be capitalized. Never start a stanza or a line with the word "and." That's all I could see that's wrong with this piece, I didn't see any spelling errors or anything along the lines of grammar. All in all, this piece is a work of art, if you just fix what I've said and then I think you'll find that there will bea newer, brighter, shine to the piece.
~WW