Other than the corrections previously stated, this was really good and I read it like it was a rap, which I've never really done before. I don't know if that was your intention, but it was a cool experiences. The only thing I'd really like you to clean up is the transition from:
"While you eyes make sure
We always follow their light" (this is kind of a awkward sentence and I thought it ruined the flow of the rest of the poem)
to:
"Now as I leave you..."
You could've just keep it going and not put a break there because I totally thought that whatever was below that break was just going to be some comment that you'd made about the poem and I almost didn't read it.
I really enjoyed this, though, really good.
Keep it up,
the cat
Points: 2258
Reviews: 135
Donate