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Free Your Mind, Free Mankind

by Abid155


Hello World 

You see we live in an society 
which keeps us in captivity
Keeping us humans from setting into a democratic humanity, 
Our community differs from the amount of income one has in reach
Some follow, Some teach 
However most follow a leader 
we can't even see
The definition of the word 'believe' 
Has been switched to a phrase of deceit
As the higher power created religion to watch countless nations fight and weep
Our mouths lie for us
Our ears break humanity's trust
While our eyes make sure we 
We always follow their light.
 
Now as I leave you, I'll depart with a question to answer 
Why are we slaves to a nation 
which is so brazen that life itself seems faceless to a society that's so awaken? 


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135 Reviews


Points: 2258
Reviews: 135

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Tue Feb 21, 2012 3:17 pm
shanan-cat says...



Other than the corrections previously stated, this was really good and I read it like it was a rap, which I've never really done before. I don't know if that was your intention, but it was a cool experiences. The only thing I'd really like you to clean up is the transition from:

"While you eyes make sure
We always follow their light" (this is kind of a awkward sentence and I thought it ruined the flow of the rest of the poem)

to:

"Now as I leave you..."

You could've just keep it going and not put a break there because I totally thought that whatever was below that break was just going to be some comment that you'd made about the poem and I almost didn't read it.

I really enjoyed this, though, really good.
Keep it up,

the cat




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191 Reviews


Points: 7136
Reviews: 191

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Mon Feb 20, 2012 10:39 am
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Nargles says...



hey,
this is really good but there are a few errors.
'this in an society' : it is suppose to be 'a society.
'however must follow a leader': you should add something inbetween like. 'however all must follow a leader.'
I would also suggest changing 'Keeping us humans'. mayeb get rid of keeping as you used keep in the line before and it sort of stops the flow a bit and is also slightly repitative.

Apart from that it is really good and I enjoyed it. These are just suggestions though.





Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.
— William James