I Take Off My Jumper, My Shirt,
My Skin, My Flesh, My Bones
My Mind, My Essence, My Spirit, And My Soul.
You Asked For It, I Gave It
From The Highest Shanty Buildings
To The Stone Cold Pavement
Life Skimmers Away Like Rotten Leaves
Leaving The Beauty Of It's Tree
My Mind Finally Set Free From All The Harsh Animosity
Which Kept Me In Such Captivity Amongst
The Weeks Of My Dad Leaving Me
Such Pain Flowing Through My Anatomy
As Reality Set
It Left With A Check
With A Crazed Domino Affect
Life Can Take U In A Position Of Pure Anger And Stress,
So I Say Let Life Live And Do Nothing But Except Every Circumstance Given,
Except From Death,
You See After Death There Comes
A Time Of Regret
Where I Feel I Coulda been A Better Son And Try To Connect
Emotions Took Over My Decsion
To Be Upset With Every Negative Action That Commenced
In Essence Loves A Challenge
With Causes Numerous Reactions
So Make Sure Your Minds Right
So You Could Create Your Family
A Palace Full Of Wonderful Distractions
To Get Away From The Wicked World Which Now
Hangs In The Balance.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Whoaaa. I must admit that this poem in certain areas was hard to understand but i think that was because of my lack in knowledge so just ignore that. However i did manage to grasp the general message of this poem. The imagery and description you used in this poem made me feel like i was there with you also witnessing the tragic lost of your father. Your message is so raw and real that everyone is applicable to it.
One piece of advice i can give is always proofread your work. I say this because you had a few minor spelling errors which could have been avoided. No errors gramatically tells the reader that you put thought into every line and wasn't just rushing a poem to post.
Hope this helped and keep posting!!!
Hey There -
Life Skimmers Away Like Rotten LeavesWow. I was... I dunno - the feeling was indescribable. You have got some talent. Let me begin:
First of all, your style is very unconventional - and I love it. This was sort of a rap, but the rhythm wasn't a rhythm. It sort of explaned itself. It was intriguing, and a bit off putting in the first read. (Don't be discouraged - to each is own.)
Next I'd like to say that I didn't quite understand the beginning - the undressing... Were you stripping away the life that had you upset? I was unsure of its pertinence... Maybe you could clarify in a revision of this poem, if you make one.
I loved the imagery in
Leaving The Beauty Of It's Tree
It's beautiful.
The unconventional style of rhyme was interesting to read. I love old school hip hop and it sort of reminded me of that, but some don't care for its harsh use of vocabulary and the inconsisntency it can have. Just saying.
There is so much truth in
Where I Feel I Coulda been A Better Son And Try To Connect
Emotions Took Over My Decsion
To Be Upset With Every Negative Action That Commenced
In Essence Loves A Challenge
With Causes Numerous Reactions
So Make Sure Your Minds Right
It makes you think. Pulls at the heart strings.
One last thing - I have to disagree with Maria and say that sometimes the very best of poems are the ones that jerk at the tears. Like Fire and Ice by RObert Frost. CLassic and yes, sort of disturbing. But good.
Good one, Abid - I'm looking forward to seeing future posts from you.
Keep it up!!!
-IamHathor22
That was really...sorry but I can't lie. That was a bit disturbing. It really could give some people nightmares! Instead of things that are depressing why not write things that are happy and fun! Loads of people love things that make them happy.
I think you have the bones of a good poem here. my biggest concern is that its too abstract. I don't mean abstract like a Picasso painting, but abstract in the sense of intangible. emotions, concepts, theories etc. these are abstractions. and while abstractions are good things to evoke in a poem (or a story) they don't give the reader very much to hold on to. using concrete images, especially those that involve one of the five senses, are the best way to illicit a reaction in the reader/listener. also, depending on how you phrase it, you can manipulate the emotional response through your description of the image.
my favorite part of this poem is the rotten leaves, because it is so real, so tangible. for revision I suggest highlighting all the abstractions in your poem and replace them with concrete images (sights, sounds, tastes etc.) that could represent them.