Published July 9, 2008
The fires roared. The only other thing that could be heard were screams of fear that rang throughout the air. Then all of a sudden, silence. I am the last of my kind. Our race will end with me unless other covens haven't been extinct by humanity. We are immortals. And we are also cursed by it. We have been hunted by man since our leaders were made.
Thaison was my first elder,he bitten by bat became the leader of all the covens of vampires. His brother Haseron bitten by snake became leader of all secrets of snake. Humans have hated us for centuries. Now both us nor them are safe. We live in fear to save our kind before there isn't time at all. i know that there are more covens. And as I travel i hope to unite us as one to defeat both snake and human kind. If i can beat time I can save my race of vampires. The fires roared on and my coven destroyed. My rage inflamed. the humans who did this will be dead.
I am in search for another coven to help me. I have gone several days without the taste of blood in my mouth. The moon lights my path. The blue on it is very settle. My eyes draw towards the sky. And every star that I loook at makes me drift towards the moon. My body froze. A darkening chill ran up and down my back several times.My eyes drafted heavily.and i folded into a dead faint. As I awoke dawn drifted in the very faint distance.My vision blurred. I saw a nearby cave, I ran to it for shelter.
Day slowly passed. I slept for several hours, and as the day passed my mind slowly slipped into darkening night of questions.
Night had finally come once again. i stepped out silently from my lurky darkness. A wolf in close range hissed i could tell he was only yards away. I ran far into the deepest part of the forest. My instincts were right. I had run into a small pack of snakes, larger than myself. Their teeth shone in the moonlight. The scales on their backs were as black as night itself. Their eyes were blood red of the thirst. Their snouts were splattered with blood. Wounds and scars covered their faces and bodies. Their backs were angled as if ready to attack.
Rapidly they circled me several times then they jumped and attacked me. My hands had been at my sides of some time. The first one that had came at me I had stabbed in the chest with one hand and flipped him over with the other hand. The other ones had no much better luck. All of a sudden they attacked at me from several directions. One lurched at me from my left and I put out my knife and it sliced it's head off. Another jumped on top of me and threw me to the ground. It jumped on top of me and tried to bite me, knowing that it would kill me.
I put my knives in what looked like an "X" and sliced open his chest.I stood up, and another came at me."I am tired of this."I said. So I took out my gun and shot off his head.The last one looked at the dead body,and ran away.As the last one ran from the head spattered scene, I looked down at my knives. They were blood stained. I cleaned them with a piece of cloth that i ripped off of my cloak.
I ran to a nearby pond so i could wash my hands some of the blood had seeped through the thin piece of fabric. After i had washed my hands i stared into the water. I looked into my own eyes... they turned a bright blue. Some vampire legend that was passed down to me several centuries ago after I had been turned into a vampire one of the legends said it was few chosen to have the destiny to be the last of their coven would surely also be chosen to bring back to life the whole race of vampires before time ran out to save it. the legend was true... my eyes turned.
i was the last remaining of my coven now all I need to do is just save all the covens in the world.
I ran on. In the far distance I saw a fire. the closer I got to it the more I Heard screaming and yelling. Guns were going off. Black smoke drifted up some sort of mountain. Red flames burst into color as the fire expanded. Not another coven I thought. I swiftly ran down the mountain. To my surprise not only had humans started this fire but lycans as well. my mind was trapped by them. The coven like my own was helpless. And as I closed in on the scene I realized that few but enough men and women had escaped out of the enormous house since one coven lived in a house together as one. i went towards them to ask if they could join another coven.
"At least hear me out!!" I shouted. "Where do you come from?" A black haired man asked. "The clan of darkness!" Said restraining my self from grabbing my knives and killing him on the spot. Silence fell. The whisp of the trees was the only thing heard. No one breathed.
"Y-you come from-?" The same black haired man stuttered in shock. "Yes the last of my clan. WHat clan do you come from?" I asked. No one answered my question. The same haired man got on his knees and bowed towards me. The other people did the same.
"Why are you kneeling to ME?!" i shouted. "It is said that there would stand one of the clan of darkness that would lead us to our victory." I stared at this man. Then i thought to myself darkness was the only thing that would separate us from the humans. " We must stand together or perish." I said strenly. "Says who and why?!!" A man shouted from the crowd. "If we don't more humans and lycans will. Other covens will be at stake. And we will be extinct." Everyone looked up at me like I was insane
I ran back to the cave without an answer from any one.I went Back to my cave with out an answer.
continued...
moving at a fast pace the moment, the village, and nothing had fit together. None of this seemed right at all. None of it made since. Had it been A dream? Or had it been real? What had happened? questions raced through my head as i sadly awoke terrified of what had happened in my reality. i sat up in my bed. Again nothing made since. Many things ran through my mind yet again. It was like I was re-watching my dreams all over again.
PRESENT DAY LIFE...
I leaned forward in my bed. I slowly rubbed my temples.major headache! I ran through many of my other dreams to see how they had fit together. what wa it ..... about the 16oo's? Possibly even the 1800's. I slowly pulled the covers off over my legs ,and let my feet fall over to the floor.
Then I raced over across my bedroom to my alarm clock.... only 2:30 Am. I reached up to my forehead to continue rubbing away my head ache. And as i touched my head, and i felt dizziness take me back over as I wobbled back over to my bed. I began to notice several drops on my face. I could not tell whether i was bleeding due to some odd mysterious reason or I was really warm, and was sweating.
I reached over from across my bed to turn on my lamp to see what on earth it was.~Click~. light washed over my face and hands, as my eyes adjusted to the brightness of the light. my viision had finally cleared when i blinked to look toward my hand, and I saw that my hand was red deep in blood. I touched my head again after i wiped away the blood that was on my hand. "SSSSS!" I hissed at my mistake. i had finally discovered I had a deep cut in wound. I slowly arose my self to get over to my mirror and night stand. I sat down in front of my mirror. I stared at my self. nothing. Literally, I wasn't in the mirror! i was bewildered.
Wait..... this .... can't really be... OR can it? Didn't vampires have no reflection in the mirror?
I sat up, straightening my back... maybe that was the reason that I saw wrongly. i slowly blinked a few times, and the last time that I blinked i saw my self appear in my mirror.FREAKIN' FREAKY!! was the only that I could think at the moment. i felt a wave of coldness wash over me as i thought about... well... everytihng!
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139,491 Literary Works • 672,583 Reviews
Hi there!
Don't be afraid to experiment!
Okay, so I love the vampire and werewolf thing. Vampires and werewolves are probably my favorite thing to read/write about. But this story is to Underworldy... add more of your own twists to vamps and wolves! It's much more fun to make them your own and not follow the trend. Plus, I'm sure you've got some great ideas of your own for this!
Next I would really work on your grammar. Grammar is never the fun part of writing, but it is necassary. There were several sections where you didn't capatilize 'I'.
I'm so sorry, but my parent is telling me to go to bed. I will continue this tomorrow or if you want you can PM me for more details!
Keep working hard!
Luxy
Ooooooooh A vampire lover
Well then I'm honored to critique
But first of all if you have got this idea from the film Underworld or Underworld:evolution then it should be in fan fiction. Because Victor, lycans, Lucion?? that sound familiar.
The fires roared. The only other thing that could be heard was screams of fear that rang in the air. Then all of a sudden, silence. I am the last of my kind. Our race will end with me unless other covens haven't been extinct (Shouldn't this be 'wiped out'??) by humanity. We are immortals. And we are also cursed by it. We have been hunted by man since our leaders were made.
Vamporer was my first elder. He(,) bitten by (a) bat became the leader of all the covens of vampires. His brother Lucion bitten by (a) wolf (be)came the leader of werewolves, or as vampires know them lycans. Humans have hated us for centuries. Now both us nor them are safe. We live in fear to save our kind before there isn't time at all. i know that there are more covens. And as I travel i hope to unite us as one to defeat both lycans and humans. If i can beat time I can save the race of vampires. The fires roared on and my coven destroyed. My rage inflamed. the humans who did this will be dead.
I am in search for another coven to help me. I have gone several days without the taste of blood in my mouth. if only there were something to drink from. The moon lights my path. The blue on it is very settle. My eyes draw towards the sky. And every star that I loook(look) at makes me drift towards the moon. My body froze. A darkening chill ran up and down my back several times.My eyes drafted heavily.and i folded into a dead faint. As I awoke dawn drifted in the very faint distance.My vision blurred. I saw a nearby cave, I ran to it for shelter.
Day slowly passed. I slept for several hours. Night had finally come once again. i stepped out silently from my lurky darkness. A wolf in close range howled i could tell he was only yards away. I ran far into the deepest part of the forest. My instincts were right. I had run into a small pack of lycans. Their teeth shone in the moonlight. The fur on their backs were as black as night itself. Their eyes were blood red of the thirst. Their snouts were splattered with blood. Wounds and scars covered their faces and bodies. Their hind feet were angled as if ready to attack. Rapidly they circled me several times then they jumped and attacked me. My hands had been at my sides of some time. The first one that had came at me I had stabbed in the chest with one hand and flipped him over with the other hand. The other ones had no much better luck. All of a sudden they attacked at me from several directions. One lurched at me from my left and I put out my knife and it sliced it's head off. Another jumped on top of me and threw me to the ground. It jumped on top of me and tried to bite me, knowing that it would kill me. I put my knives in what looked like an "X" and sliced open his chest.I stood up, and another came at me."I am tired of this."I said. So I took out my gun and shot off his head.The last one looked at the dead body,and ran away.As the last one ran from the head spattered scene, I looked down at my knives. They were blood stained. I cleaned them with a piece of cloth that i ripped off of my cloak. (Okay that whole part was filled with mistakes. You seriously need to get into editing this story.)
I ran to a nearby pond so i could wash my hands some of the blood had seeped through the thin piece of fabric. After i had washed my hands i stared into the water. I looked into my own eyes... they turned (cut the 'a')a bright blue. Some vampire legend that was passed down to me several centuries ago after I had been turned into a vampire one of the legends said it was few chosen to have the destiny to be the last of their coven would surely also be chosen to bring back to life the whole race of vampires before time ran out to save it. the legend was true... my eyes turned. i was the last remaining of my coven now all I need to do is just save all the covens in the world.
I ran on. In the far distance I saw a fire. the closer I got to it the more I Heard screaming and yelling. Guns were going off. Black smoke drifted up some sort of mountain. Red flames burst into color as the fire expanded. Not another coven I thought. I swiftly ran down the mountain. To my surprise not only had humans started this fire but lycans as well. my mind was trapped by them. The coven like my own was helpless. And as I closed in on the scene I realized that few but enough men and women had escaped out of the enormous house since one coven lived in a (single) house together as one. i went towards them to ask if they could join another coven. "At least hear me out!!" I shouted. "Where do you come from?" A black haired man asked. "The clan of darkness!" Said (said who?) restraining my self from grabbing my knives and killing him on the spot. Silence fell. The whisp of the trees was the only thing heard. No one breathed.
"Y-you come from-?" The same black haired man stuttered in shock. "Yes the last of my clan. WHat clan do you come from?" I asked. No one answered my question. The same haired man got on his knees and bowed towards me. The other people did the same. "Why are you kneeling to ME?!" i shouted. "It is said that there would stand one of the clan of darkness that would lead us to our victory." I stared at this man. Then i thought to myself darkness was the only thing that would separate us from the humans. " We must stand together or perish." I said strenly. "Says who and why?!!" A man shouted from the crowd. "If we don't more humans and lycans will. Other covens will be at stake. And we will be extinct." Everyone looked up at me like I was insane
I ran back to the cave without an answer from any one.
to Be Continued....
Good story though. Good idea too. PM me if you find something strange in my critique or if you post the rest of the story.
it was really good. I like the new take on vampires, how they all dont have to go to a new school and fall in love with a human! But a few things I noticed skimming the paragraphs of goodness.
this didnt make sence, you gotta watch out for stuff like that. it makes the reader have to go over the sentence a couple of time to desipher it and that is never enjoyable so it takes away from the kool points of a good plot and charecters. another thing.that makes sence but it doesnt flow it could be more like: "The humans who did this will die" that flows better. Just little errors like that, toher wise it was great!
There are so many gramatical, spelling and other mistakes. I'll try to correct them all. I think I can Say your character is a girl.
See how many mistakes were there? After you write a story, check spellings and proof - read it.
And it is the same story about vampires and lycans. Sheesh.
Sorry if sounded harsh but I had to point out. And develop your character.
Good luck.
ok, seeing as we`re related, i guess i`m suposed to say sumthing rude about my sis, cuz thay`s what a brother does, right? but honestly, she and my cuzin have this thing about vampires that i`m trying to go with, but that`s not working out. but it does seem to be working out greatly for them. and yes, that is a complement coming from her older brother (whaaat!?!!?).
'Lo Ash!
Instead of 'was screams of fear', use 'were the screams of fear'. It sounds better.
Also, 'in' is very bland, try using a more interesting word like 'throughout'.
This sentence should be the start of a new paragraph. The sentences before don't seem to go with it very well.
'He, (add that comma) bitten by bat, (add that other comma, then continue on with your sentence as you have written it)
'His brother, (comma) Lucion, (Yet again another comma) bitten by wolf, (comma!
(Sorry, me = comma freak!
Uppercase 'I', hon.
Again, that 'I',
You need to work on those 'I's.
Capitalize the 'the' since it is the beginning of a new sentence.
Capitalize 'if', again it's the beginning of a new sentence.
First, 'loook' should be 'look', and second, start off the second sentence with just 'every', the 'and' doesn't look good there.
Since this is in the tense it is, 'froze' should be 'freezes'.
Runs, not ran, since it is, again, in the tense that it is.
First, there is no space in between the 'times' and the period. Second, take away the period between 'heavily' and 'and' and add a comma in between (Should look like this 'heavily, and'). And lastly, 'I' needs to be capitalized!
distance.(space)My
Fisrt, 'I' needs to be capitalized, and second, by 'lurky' do you mean 'murky'? Lurky is not a word.
This should be two sentences, the second one starting with the uncapitalized 'I', which should also be capitalized, by the way.
Maybe 'for some time' instead of 'of some time'?
That 'it's' should just be 'its'.
There are no spaces between any of these sentences.
Also, as with almost all of the sentences here, there are no spaces. Also, don't start a sentence with 'so' when the person is not speaking, it doesn't sound too good.
The 'I' dear, needs to be capitalized.
There are three I's in these two sentences that need to be capitalized.
'Tis majorly a run on sentence. Split it up a bit.
Capitalize 'the' since it is the beginning of a sentence.
Those darn I's! (Capitalize).
First, capitalize 'the', second, 'heard' should be uncapitalized.
Capitalize 'my'.
(Psst!
Only one exclamation point.
'Whisp' is spelt 'wisp'.
Uncapitalize that 'H' in what.
First, ME should be me , second, choose one or the other of the '?!'.
Fisrt, the 'I' again, second, 'that would'.
'Strenly' is spelt 'Sternly'.
Just one punctuation point is needed here, I would pick the quesion mark.
Here, I'll just rewrite this one for you. 'one. I went back to my cave without an answer.'
Okaaaay...
Besides all of the grammer (make sure to use spell check next time), this story was also extremely rushed!
Develope charectors better! As the crit above, I could not tell if this was a man or a woman.
Also use more description, and when a different person starts talking in dialouge, that should be the start of a new paragraph (sorry I didn't put that up there... too lazy
Develope this story more and don't continue on with this until you've fixed this first part up.
-Sadie
This was a bit confusing... You seem to be going for a panicky sort of mood, (that's what I get off it)
Also, the story does sound alot like Underworld. Not because of the word 'lycan' but just because you haven't made the whole myth your own yet. I(f you twist it the wrong way, you might end up with Twilight again though).
Try talking more about the feud more, and make it more personal.
Other than that, this is a good base for a story, but explore your characters more. I really look forward to reading the rest of this!
Okay so you've definitely have talent for this sort of thing. It was really good, a little confusing at parts but still really good. I just got really ridiculously confused during the dialogue.
So, here's a really annoyingly long critique.
So, I hope all of this makes sense, if you have any questions feel free to pm me.
I really hope to read more of this.
~Dommy
I knew what you were getting at, but the wording confused me a bit.
He was bitten by a bat and became?
same as before, His brother, Lucion, was bitten by a wolf and became.
it was a bit quick, don't you think? It could've been more detailed and taken longer to read.
This makes the character seem very up themselves. It made the whole bit seem kind of pointless, as why would the character bother fighting if they could just shoot them anyway?
Other than that, and a few punctuation mistakes which could be cured through use of a BETA reader, I liked the idea of the plot. I'm a lover of vampires and werewolves, so would love to see where you have this heading.
.
No: Is this story supposed to carry similarities to Underworld? Nevertheless, there were a lot of grammatical errors and a lot of places where it was hard to understand what you were talking about. You really need to step away from the story for a bit, come back and get a red marker and just edit like crazy. I'd do it for you, but I'm a bit lazy today.
Yes: In concerns to critique on the actual content, I think it was pretty solid. It's interesting and I do want to hear more, but be very careful in shifts in tense, capitalization, sentence structure, etc. The idea itself is good. I see where you are going with it and that's great.
No: Writing in the first person is kind of tough, I think, because what "I" may be seeing may not be what we are seeing. So, please make setting a bit more clear, because it seemed to jump from place to place and thought to thought. Try smoothing it out a bit, the more details the better. Even if you start to get long and winded, because we have no idea where the story is, it won't be taxing to us. You can also reveal the way a character looks by subtle hints, instead of just "he wore a suit, long and back and had eyes as dark as his soul" (totally improvised) you could say "'Come here.' he smiles, tugging the sides of his long back suit. His dark soulless eyes called to me" Something like that. Describing setting/characters doesn't have to be boring.
Just a note for the rest of the novel/story, be in tune to character development. What may happen is that youu characters come out superficial and end up just being vague would-be-great characters with no personality and no logical motives....in essence you characters should contain all the elements of any living human being: different wants, dreams, thought processes, motives, quirks, etc.
Just remember we are all snowflakes, different in almost every way.
But all in all, nice work. Kudos. It's a fabulous beginning.
Oh, sorry - one more thing I wanted to point out to help you with this piece.
You have a great imagination, but your scentences are too short and makes the flow feel kind of choppy and that detracts from the quality.
Now, this is how you can take the above and blend some of the scentences together so it doesn't.feel.so.broken.up. ...
Day slowly passed. I slept for several hours and night had finally come once again. I stepped out silently from my lurky darkness. A wolf in close range howled, I could tell he was only yards away and so I ran far into the deepest part of the forest only to find that my instincts were right. I had run into a small pack of lycans. Their teeth shone in the moonlight, the fur on their backs were as black as night itself with eyes that glowed red from the thirst. Their snouts were splattered with blood from the fresh kill that laid at thier feet and was torn limb from limb.
(I added a few words in bold to link a few of the scentences together; change a few redundancies or provide a bit more description. All of my suggestions are purely optional and only provided to give you an understand of what it is I am trying to explain in my comments).
Okay, I was reading your piece and for someone so young I am blown away by your writing abilities - though it was far from perfect (grammatically speaking) its incredible given how young you are so definately keep writing
But then I was immediately turned off by one small detail.
This sounds waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much like the movie Underworld to me.
I understand what it means to be inspired by a concept you either see or read and you get an urge to take the concept and mold it into something that is your own, but those three lines I've quoted above killed it all for me. You couldn't even stay away from the similarities in the names?
Vamporer/ Victor & Lucion/Lucian?
Lycans as well? Yes, okay it can be argued that the man who wrote the screenplay didn't invent the word 'lycan' since the other word for werewolf is 'lycanthropes' (everyone can check Wiki if they'd like) but the fact that it was used in such a famous movie will immediatley have everyone's thoughts changing gears towards Underworld rather then your story. Using the similiar names for the leaders of the covens doesn't help either.
Aside from that, I think your writing (although very raw and unrefined due to your youth and inexperience) is very, very good and it shows that you have a passion and a gift. Keep writing, write as much as possible & whenever you get the urge and I guarantee you will get so much better as you grow and develop.
Trust me, when you reach 20 and look back on your material from nearly a decade ago, you'll see exactly what I mean
Cheers.
A few grammar issues were in there, but I won't harp about character development because everyone else has already tagged that..
I think this piece needs a tad bit more showing than telling. You're explaining everything and not revealing anything to us. Use dialogue to shows us information we wouldn't already know.
That would defenitely improve this.
yeah you need to develop your character more. We don't even know their name. Also, explaining the basis for your story would improve it a lot e.g Why are humans trying to kill vampires? What clans are there? Where did Lycans and vampires originally come from? Also you should make the races more equal so that the main character doesn't just breeze through easily killing Lycans. There has to be an element of difficulty or a struggle rather than a walk in the park
Finally, you need some ideas of your own. The "vampire vs werewolf" theme is from Underworld: Eternal War. Its better if you have a new angle rather than copying what other people have done.
Good Luck
from Cobra
Have you fixed what we're trying to tell you about? And aren't you going to like say after your to be continued...
...continued. It would help.
-Amber
Hey guys I'm going to continue!
Yes, exactly. Amanda you need to describe the character better but you have to string it out. It's a girl right? I remember reading it before but it sure sounded like a girl. Please, try harder on the fight seen. If you need help on it I can possibly give you advice. Come upstairs with the computer and I can help you.
Okay, it's continued? Sometimes after reading it on draft, on the written version when you wrote it out but you didn't get nearly as much as I had hoped you to.
Come upstairs, like I said and I'll help you, that is if my aunt will let you. She'll probable be cool with it though.
Good start from what you had though,
-Amber
The writing was quite good, however, you have made many grammar errors, so you need to look over this a couple times and fix them. I wish you would have described the fight scene in more detail, too. Saying, "The next thing I knew they were all dead," just doesn't cut it.
You MAJORLY need to develop your character. I didn't even know whether your character was male or female!
The whole "vampire vs. werewolves" and the whole vampire genre in general has become very stale. Try adding some of your own mythology to the genre, make it different, interesting.
Overall, I think with several touch ups, this could become intersting. But right now, it's mediocre at best.