Mostly.

If someone were to say, "How are you, really?" My first and only thought would be: Okay. Mostly. Despite the common response of "Good" or "Alright", no one really gives a shit about how I'm really feeling. Or that's how it would seem, for the most part.

Most people hardly listen for the response of the person they are speaking to when they ask "How are you?". Few people expect a different response other than what the above mentioned is. Few people really care about the response.

"God damnit!" She erased the several lines she had written, sighed then wiped her clammy face with her hands. It was always like this when she was upset and couldn't express her flustered thoughts clearly enough, even for just herself to read. Nothing seemed to go correctly anymore, and when her own thoughts led her to places she didn't want to be, she had just about had enough of this damned place she called a world. 

She sighed, and felt that edge in her mind creep just that much closer. Usually, she could battle the war the rampaged her mind; she could push back the feelings of unease, stress, and fear. Lately, her walls had broken down and she simply gave up on trying to rebuild them. It all seemed pointless to do in the first place. 

Adrianna couldn't stop the thought before it came: Maybe I don't want to be better. This was the first time she had thought something that deep, dangerous, or dark. She pushed her dark hair back out of her face and spun her wheeled chair around, the only light in the room came from the monitor screen which casted shadows around her like a candle light. Nothing could be written to express her emotions correctly. No matter how hard she tried, no amount of words could explain the broken state her heart was in, or the cold void she felt there in its stead.

Mostly, said a heavenly voice from the back of her mind. The computer monitor suddenly spoke to her and she turned back to the computer. She opened the browser, and played the song that broke her heart every time she heard it. 

When I look into your eyes

It's like watchin' the night sky or a beautiful sunrise

There's so much they hold.

The tears formed in her eyes, misting the edges of her vision as she continued to listen. 

And just like them old stars,

I see that you've come so far,

To be right where you are,

How old is your soul?

The tears now streaked down her face, out of her evergreen eyes. She closed them, let her tears flow and listened with her heart instead of her ears.

I won't give up on us, 

Even if the skies get rough,

I'm givin' you all my love, 

I'm still lookin' up.

And when you're needin' your space,

To do some navigatin',

I'll be here patiently waitin'

To see what you find...

The tears came harder now and sobs wracked through her body so violently that she fell to the floor. 

Cause even the stars, they burn, 

Some even fall to the earth, 

We've got a lot to learn, 

God knows we're worth it. 

No, I won't give up...

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make. 

Then it changed to another song she loved; the computer was playing her playlist for her. The tears seemed to evaporate on her skin, but she knew there was a message she needed to hear. 

...Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her,

I'd give up all the world to see, that little piece of heaven lookin' back at me

Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her, I gotta live with the choices I've made, and I can't live with myself today...

Adrianna suddenly felt the walls she built, so broken in her mind, repair themselves as she listened, and felt the void being filled. The chords filled her mind, the harmony cried out to her with innocence and she knew she would be okay. That whatever the trouble she had faced the day before, she would survive the night, and she would wake up and do the same old stuff, exactly as she always had done before. Whatever she thought was wrong would be okay one day. Whatever mess was created, it would be cleaned up soon enough. She was enough for someone out there. She smiled at the thought.

You'll make it there, one day. the heavenly voice said. You'll make it to the next day, the next second, the next hour. Don't give in to that darkness yet. It's not your time to go, yet, Adrianna. I swear, you'll make it with your music or writing. You'll find that someone out there. The voice sadden just a bit. And if you don't make all of it happen, if you don't make it all the way... You'll make it mostly. 

You'll make it mostly. 

*******

Weary but enlightened, she sat down and began to write. Inspiration had hit her finally as she wiped the tears away.

Nothing will ever be perfect. Things will not always be sane, or make sense, but even if they don't you'll make it. You'll make it mostly.....