I wish I could be different, so that we wouldn't have to be so distant
I don't know how to do that, though
Will it be to my detriment?; I'll never know
It's wounded pride that I never show to anyone, excepting you
You of all people, should know what I'm going through
You of all people, should know what I'm going to do, if things don't change
This feels strange to me, strangely the same as before
It brings up the old pains, the old stains, the old wounds
It startles me how I flashback; to the same old tombs
I see them, left in ruins, crying at the thought of what was
I can't move past them, without moving past you now
However, I feel deeply, that moving on, past you, is the last thing I want to do now
If it were to be made easier, you could start to be true; the same person I knew
If I would have known better, how a calm breeze could so quickly turn,
to arid air that could leave me pained and burned,
then I would have came away and turned from the whole thing
I would have turned away, from your bright smile, and the way it can light a room, into my own dark corner
I would have left my optimism behind with you, having no need to be saddled by such a thing
I wouldn't have embraced you, letting you release all in just a moment
I would have left it all, sitting on a table, all just a moment in time,
where I didn't mind, saying hello
Now,
I see you, but I don't hear you, stuck in a hellhole
Loud bellows I hear, all echoes, all mine
Left alone, by you, and your crime
My grime, mingled with another's, my joy turned to heartache
My mind, mingled with another's, went from clarity to a wrecked state,
with me stuck here, not wanting to move
Some days I dare don't to, because it hurts too much to think of you
Some days I do, I try, to move on, but I get lost in my thoughts, of you
Some might think I'm crazy, and you may now, but things don't make sense, when you're not around
Maybe I'll be able to relax, now that you're leaving town
Perhaps you didn't tell me on purpose, trying to achieve the same purpose
I wish you the best, whether it's an eerie silence I receive from you; awkward and nervous,
or a smile,
or, something like what was
When you get back, we can figure out, how to get back, what we had
Also, we can figure out, if there is anything left, that can make us glad?
I hope there is a reason why you won't speak to me, for I have given you none
I hope there is a reason why you will speak to me again, I hope I have given you one
Otherwise, this will be just a wish I had, never to come true
I wish I could make sense of things; I wish I could talk to you
Hi AONAR5!
.
This is a beautiful piece! I liked it.
the stanza that I loved the most:
"I hope there is a reason why you won't speak to me , for I have given you none
I hope there is a reason why you will speak to me again, I hope I have given you one
Otherwise, this will be just a wish I had, never to come true
I wish I could make sense of things, I wish I could talk to you".
I just loved the above stanza that I mentioned.
I loved the emotional level being expressed! the readers could understand what you wanted to convey.
Now its time to work upon this poem a bit.
The thing that was a bit disturbing was the consistency of the lines in the poem. Like, in a stanza you don't have all the lines together like one line is big and the other is small.
And you have different layout in each stanza. As Deanie and KLovelace have mentioned this before in their reviews about the uneven flow of the poem. I think you should really work upon this.
And because of this all the stanza have stacked up to look like paragraphs and not like a poem. Exactly , all the stanza look like blocks!
these are the few things that I noticed reading your poem otherwise everything is fine and nothing else to correct.
Anyway,
its a really good piece! keep up the work!
Have a nice day!
Hey there,
A nice poem indeed. I think you've got lovely description in here which really shapes the emotion you're trying to convey. May favourite lines must be the last two of the whole poem. Especially the "I wish I could talk to you". It sums up the whole meaning of the poem, as well as reveals the true meaning of the title. A perfect way to sum up this poem.
I do agree with Klovelace; the layout is a bit disturbing and doesn't really match well with your poem. Sometimes the flow was a bit uneven too. For the flow I suggest you read your poem out loud and see where the rhythm seems off. Maybe you need to tweak some words, or maybe it's just the amount of syllables. (They don't all have to be the exact same amount in a sentence but sometimes have a near approximation helps with the flow.)
The layout needs a bit more work? The sentences are too long and makes the stanzas look like blocks. I'll give you a suggestion for one of them, and I'm pretty sure you'll get the idea and do the rest yourself
Maybe I'll be able to relax,
now that you're leaving town.
Perhaps you didn't tell me on purpose,
trying to achieve the same purpose.
I wish you the best,
whether it's an eerie silence
I receive from you; awkward and nervous,
or a smile,
or, something like what was
When you get back, we can figure out,
how to get back, what we had
Also, we can figure out,
if there is anything left,
that can make us glad?
It looks a bit more open now, and you could even split that into two stanzas If you chose for it to be shorter.
One more point is that in the beginning you doubled up punctuation like this ?; I'm not sure if that's allowed because I am not the best at punctuation myself. But it looked suspicious so maybe ask someone? And my last point is that sometimes you use repetition well, such as the use of the words "old" and so on. But sometimes the repetition doesn't quite work like when you used "purpose" twice in the stanza I edited.
Nice poem, and keep writing!
Deanie x
Hi, my name is K and hopefully this review will be helpful!
My first comments are going to be about the overall poem as a whole. To me, it seemed thick and mouthy. Looking back, it may just be the way you separated your stanzas. I think it would be easier to get through your poem if you separated your lines so they were a little shorter. For me, who prefers short poetry and believes 'less is more,' this was a little daunting to get through.
However, it was worth it because as a whole, this poem is very well written. You manage to get your point across without directly saying those words, and you put a lot of pretty imagery and figurative language in here that makes it worth reading, despite the length and style.
My favorite lines were, "Some days I don't dare to/because it hurts too much to think of you." he rhyme and syllable length here are perfect and truly capture what you're trying to say here.
I think for future works, you should consider making things a bit smaller. However, I loved reading this and hope to see more from you! Have a good day!