Published April 1, 2009
Chapter 1:
Into the mystery.
Joseph was late. This was unusual. Joseph, for as long as he could remember, always was punctual. Something unusual must be going on.
These were the thoughts of Mr. Sean D. McCaulen, a college professor, tutoring Joseph. Joseph was a boy of twelve, and not the tallest of them. He had brown hair, and wore glasses over his bright, intelligent green eyes. Joseph, instead of shuffling his feet and looking at the floor, ran briskly up to Mr. McCaulen.
"Sorry, the traffic was horrible, and it was hard for Monty to see in this weather."
Well, that was a plausible excuse. I'll let it slide, because he's such a great student, thought Mr. McCaulen. He said, "We can begin this lesson with a review on Einstein's theory of Relativity. So, E=MC2 …"
Joseph, or Seph, as he was known, smugly walked to the car. He had Monty, his burly butler/bodyguard/chauffer/partner take a long route home. Sitting in the back seat, he pulled out a small book. He kept it on his person since he had recieved it. It had strange characters written on it. Some were like Egyptian hieroglyphics. Others seemed to be pictures. They were arranged in an order, though Seph did not know what that was. But he planned to find that, and more, from this little book.
"Monty, take me straight to the computer. And don't let anyone follow us."
Once inside, Seph placed the book on a scanner. The computer downloaded information, stored it, and prepared to scan it for virus's, but Seph quickly programmed it to not do so.
Seph scanned each page of the book. He then went to his files and compiled them into a digital copy of the book. He then opened a program that was entitled: "Seceretsearcher_Decode_book." He clicked on "Settings," then set it to "Decode using all known languages." He then selected "Run program on file."
*******************
Two days later, the computer chimed. It said in a brisk, businesslike voice, "Program complete. Language decoded. Run a second time to make all failures corrected." Seph, having forged a note saying he would be on an extended vacation for another two months, decided to have it fix the kinks. He had to be sure.
He mused on the source of this book. He, Joseph Fowl, had successfully robbed his cousin Artemis Fowl.
*******************
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139,268 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay this is an interesting start here. I feel like its moving a tiny bit too fast to quite work here. There's just the feeling of a bit of a rush since we are introduced to a couple of characters in very quick succession and then right away we're diving into the theory of relativity. It sort of does work since it is this person coming in late to school, but I think you should have just a tiny bit more description before diving into the scene there. Just that line of dialogue and one though doesn't quite do enough I think.
J
Alright this is a cool moment here. Since there is a scene break as well, rushing into this situation works quite well I think. Its certainly making things a lot more intriguing that just one person showing up late to class. Well things are heating up quite nicely, let's see where this will end.
Hmm, well I don't know enough about this fandom to know if this is a very momentous moment but the general context its been placed in makes it seem that way so I am going to say this is a pretty solid point to end on, it does seem to make for a very nice cliffhanger there and so as fanfiction chapter one's go, this one is a very solid one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi ANate145
I like this.
I like the way that the mc is Artemis's cousin and is probably just as smart as the young thief.
Can't see anything wrong with it so I don't have anything to nit-pick.
midnightread
ok. first off i wanted to let you know that i am so excited to find someone who thinks it would be cool to see two Fowls going against each other. Anyhoo, you have some work to do for the story line i like how you worded things in this story so it would go with the basic theme of the series but as far as story line goes you started off original but then it became a little too much like the book. So just to keep yourself out of trouble you should change up the story line a bit so it won't be counted as copyright infringement. Other than that and a few grammatical errors you will be fine. Oops, i almost forgot where you said "he keeps it on his person since he recieved it" you should be more clear (i'm assuming you mean Joseph keeps it on himself at all times) One more thing, now this is just an idea, but for an Irish theif to be named Joseph? Why not name him soemthing that suits that past time a bit better like Kieran which means "Little dark one"?
Finally, An Artemis Fowl fan-fic. I just love Artemis Fowl series and it's plot.
Okay, let's see about this story.
First of all, I'm not really getting the picture of the great Artemis when I read the name "Joseph" I know, it's my place to say anything about the name but, I think the name Joseph suits 'Butler' more than for this boy.
Secondly, you should break the paragraph when switching from the thoughts of Mr. McCaulen and to Joseph. I kind of muddled up when I first read that paragraph. And normally, we don't usually portray the thoughts of characters whom we are not going to use in a longer period of time, so I think it's rather unnecessary to start with Mr. McCaulen's thoughts. This is just my idea, don't think of it personally.
If we take this character as the real Artemis, he have so many differences. First is that, the real Artemis never says or feels sorry, at least until the end of 2nd book. But, I suppose, considering that this is a whole new Artemis, It's possible.
Second is that he rarely admits his own mistakes or emotions, instead, he plays some mind games, riddling the one who's trying to get the better of him.
Okay, wait a second, is this school? Did Artemis (The real one) like school? Nope.
You could have written something like "Joseph sighed thinking about how he could have proved all those equations wrong, even before the professor had time to explain what 'E' stands for" after the line I quoted to add a sort of humor.
"Person?" This does seem to be making any sense. I presume you are saying that he kept with him since he received it.
Wait, wasn't he still on car? If he was, why tell, "Take me straight to the computer?" If he is already in the house, why would he ask Monty to take him there? The real Artemis is really discrete in his computer thingies. After reading this sentence, I kind of felt as if Joseph was a disabled person of a wheel-chair.
Overall
Well, firstly, I must say that this is really quite similar to the real Artemis Fowl book. You have extended you imagination very little. And the fact remains as Firestalker pointed out, you have only put 'What' and 'Who' of the 5 'W' You haven't took notice of 'When' 'Where' and 'Why' Those are really important in creating a story.
Secondly, I must say that you have only chosen to say who Joseph is and how he looks like. You have only mentioned Monty and non of descriptions are shown. And also, when describing the features of character, do it quite naturally, than saying all the features off in a straight line. Eg:-
"Joseph gazed at his fair face displayed on the vehicle's side mirror, his bright green eyes sparkled under his raven black hair, making him look more like a ghost with green eyes"
Well, these things should be fixed and your story will get to a certain level.
Good luck.
Hey there! I haven't read an Artemis Fowl fanfiction in forever! Isn't it such a good book though? But I better get on with the review now.
But first, I'll just say that most of what I'm going to be saying about this has already been said. But the reason I'm repeating it is because it's so important. Now let's get started.
Nit-Picks
Ack!! Repitition! Make sure you never repeat things in your paragraphs. Make sure you fix that when editing.
I also find all the 'Joseph's' a bit distracting. Remember to switch those up a bit as well.
No need for all those descriptions of what Monty does in there. Pick one and go with that.
Eeek... Run-on!
And it should be 'viruses'. That's the correct grammar for the plural form of virus.
Nice cliffhanger ending! I never though anyone could do that.
And now that the nit-picks are done, let's move on to the overall.
Overall
Now, people have said this before, but your story really needs more description. Without that, it's not going to be very interesting. This has great potential, but you need a lot of work so it reaches that.
Also, I've pointed these out, but you have a lot of grammar and run-on problems. Make sure you fix those, and that'll help it be more interesting also!
You also need to work on your character development. Without that, the story just falls flat. Some ways to do this are:
~ Description, description, description!!!
~ Actions
~ Dialogue
Make sure you add that in.
That's about all that I can think of. I think that you have a good idea here, but you really need to work on the basic building blocks of literature that I talked about above.
Good luck, and keep writing! Remember that practice makes perfect! I hope I'll see you around the site, and I also hope to read more of your work! See you later!
~ Trish
OK. Too many "Joseph"s Try using he or him occasionally!
Some spelling errors as pointed out above, and also it was very very very informal, not as posh as Artemis Fowl itself, (which I really like, by the way) and therefore hard to relate too. You need to explain more!
Other than that, great job.
Keep writing!
Pgsgirl
Hi, listen, I'm kinda new to this so I only have one comment, I read the first Artemis Fowl book a lot and I noticed that it is extremely Similar to the beginning of the book, which really bugged me, but besides that it was all good in my opinion, just try something a bit less along the original story's storyline.
I just read Artemis Fowl not too long ago, and he had used the computer to help him decode the book, but only after a big long description of how the writing had been in spirals and he had to match up the symbols with what the computer knew and etc. Joseph just scanning it onto the computer and getting results isn't believable.
Other than that, it's a very interesting idea, and just needs detail. Good luck!
Chapter 1:
Into the mystery.
Joseph was late. This was unusual. Joseph, for as long as he could remember, always was punctual. Something fishy must be going on.
These were the thoughts of Mr. Sean D. McCaulen. He was a college professor, and he was tutoring Joseph. Joseph was a boy of twelve, and not the tallest of them. He had brown hair, and wore glasses over his bright, intelligent green eyes. Just then, Joseph ran briskly up to Mr. McCaulen.
"Sorry, the traffic was horrible, and it was hard for Monty to see in this weather." Joseph said breathlessly.
Well, that was a plausible excuse. I'll let it slide, because he's such a great student, thought Mr. McCaulen.
He replied, "We can begin this lesson with a review on Einstein's theory of Relativity. So, E=MC2 …"
*****************
Joseph, or Seph, as he was known, smugly walked to the car. He had Monty, his burly butler/bodyguard took a long route home. Sitting in the back seat, Joseph pulled out a small book. It had strange characters written on it. Some some apperared to be Egyptian hieroglyphics. Others seemed to be pictures. They were arranged in an order, though Seph did not know what that was. But he planned to find that, and more, from this little book.
"Monty, take me straight to the computer. And don't let anyone follow us." Joseph ordered.
Once inside, Seph placed the book on a scanner. The computer downloaded the information, stored it, and prepared to scan it for viruses, but Seph quickly programmed it to not do so.
Seph scanned each page of the book. He then went to his files and compiled them into a digital copy of the book. After opening a program that was entitled: "Seceretsearcher_Decode_book." , he clicked on "Settings," then set it to "Decode using all known languages." As he selected "Run program on file.", the computer began to whir.
*******************
Two days later, the computer chimed and the whirring stopeed. Its brisk, businesslike voice rang out, "Program complete. Language decoded. Run a second time to make all failures corrected." Seph decided to have it fix the kinks. He had to be sure.
He mused on the source of this book. He, Joseph Fowl, had successfully robbed his cousin Artemis Fowl.
Good fan fiction, but there are a few weak points.
1) Need a more plausible excuse from school than a doctor's excuse.
2) How did he break the security that Artemis had to have put on the book?
3) Explain that this is happening during the school year.
Yay a Artemis Fowl Fan!!!!
I see that averianmariej has already pointed out the mistakes that you have made but i see no improvements.
Also your chapter is well... short, very short, too short although that's not the main problem here, You writing is certainly okay but it lacks description. Where, How, What and When (When is not necessary though) are the main questions that have to be answered in different chapters. Here you have only just mentioned what. You have not described where, meaning the reader does not know where in the world the story is going on in and all the reader can see is the characters in a white background, fill the background and you have a better story. How of course can be explained later too so that's not a problem here.
So mainly you need to work on your descriptions first.
Hope that helped.
Okay, I liked the beginning of your story, but it could use a few touch ups. For now, I will put my changes in italics.
Chapter 1:
Into the mystery.
Joseph was late. This was unusual. Joseph, for as long as he could remember, always was punctual. Something [s]fishy[/s]unusual sounds more professor like must be going on.
These were the thoughts of Mr. Sean D. McCaulen. He was a college professor, and he was tutoring Joseph. Joseph was a boy of twelve, and not the tallest of them. He had brown hair, and wore glasses over his bright, intelligent green eyes. Joseph, instead of shuffling his feet and looking at the floor, ran briskly up to Mr. McCaulen.
"Sorry, the traffic was horrible, and it was hard for Monty to see in this weather."
Well, that was a plausible excuse. I'll let it slide, because he's such a great student, thought Mr. McCaulen. He said, "We can begin this lesson with a review on Einstein's theory of Relativity. So, E=MC2 …"
Is this after the lesson, if so, add a breaker
Joseph, or Seph, as he was known, smugly walked to the car. He had Monty, his burly butler/bodyguard/chauffer/partner is he a butler? take a long route home. Sitting in the back seat, he pulled out a small book. It had strange characters written on it. Some were like Egyptian hieroglyphics. Others seemed to be pictures. They were arranged in an order, though Seph did not know what that was. But he planned to find that, and more, from this little book.
"Monty, take me [s]strait[/s] straight to the computer. And don't let anyone follow us."
Once inside, Seph placed the book on a scanner. The computer downloaded information, stored it, and prepared to scan it for virus's, but Seph quickly programmed it to not do so.
Seph scanned each page of the book. He then went to his files and compiled them into a digital copy of the book. He then opened a program that was entitled: "Seceretsearcher_Decode_book." He clicked on "Settings," then set it to "Decode using all known languages." He then selected "Run program on file."
How did the ocmputer know the language if Artemis' didn't?
*******************
Two days later, the computer chimed. It said in a brisk, businesslike voice, "Program complete. Language decoded. Run a second time to make all failures corrected." Seph, having forged a doctor's note saying he was ill and would be for another two months, decided to have it fix the kinks. He had to be sure.
He mused on the source of this book. He, Joseph Fowl, had successfully robbed his cousin Artemis Fowl.
Over all, It was good, but just a little " fine tooth combing" might be needed!
More descriptions! That's what makes Artemis Fowl such a great book, in my opinion.
Also, the whole book is written in irish english, this isn't really irish.
As to the descriptions I mentioned, you could at least say where in the world they were, then describe it. And, you could make a bigger bang with the punch line if you make him think how long he'd tried to get this book and how valubaul it was and bla bla bla, get it?
by the way, if he robbed Artemis, then he really better watch out which is fairly hard to do when you're taking the item you stole int the car with you.
Also the sentence about his buttler\body gaurd is way off. Too busy. Try to seperate it, sort of like how they introduce Butler and Artemis's relationship. Artemis fowl is an awesome book!
All in all, I really liked i. I think it could be better if you worked on the langue and describe his feelings and their surroundings some more. If you have more, then I'll defenitly read!
I haven't read the original Artemis Fowl book for a while, but if my memory is correct, Artemis uses a computer to decode the fairy book. Also, just for those who want ot know the time period, This is just about 1 month after The Time Paradox.
its ok... but you used some wrong words. like straight instead of strait. also considering that fairy toung is an unknown language in the book he wouldnt be able to decode it from a computer scanner... why not have him steal the whole computer from artemis? :\ it has its probrelms but they are easy to fix and i would love to have two fowls batteling it out >:)