Sean kicked his feet up on the beat up wooden table in front if him, feeling the draft from the window run over his big bony feet. Sipping his Mountain Dew he hit the button to change the channel, nothing happened.
With an irritated expression on his face he smacked the old remote on the arm of the rugged sofa he was laid back on... no effect. With a growl he threw the remote at the darkened tv screen, which he regretted instantly.
With a soft pop rainbows appeared on the screen... "whoops... that was new.. well, ha! Who am I kidding, as new as any trash in this shack, oh well.."
Sean turned his head to look at the ragged drapes covering the old window that lead to an alley, muttering, " five star New York view there... broken bottles, drunks, and shady junk..."
His eyes started towards the peeling wooden door as he heard sounds from the hall. The door was ripped open, then abruptly slammed shut as a small red headed figure collapsed into a ball against it, shaking.
Leaping up and running across the dark room to the teen he shouted, "Sabrina! What happened.. are you ok? What's wrong?!" The girl turned her head slightly, face hidden in shadow.
"Oh, hey bro... why are you home early, don't you have that thi-" Sean towered over her, his chiseled face like cold like stone, green eyes beyond intense. "Who hurt you today Sabrina, I just want a name. Please, you have to tell me this time."
Sabrina curled into an even smaller ball against the splintering door, or curling around something? Sean reached down to touch her and she jerked away. "Sis... what's wrong..." "nothing.. it's n-" Then she started coughing.
A fine red spray coated her delicate porcelain fingers... she turned her head slowly to look at Sean.. a look of horror on his face. "They've never gotten physical before..." "but you're not going to-" red hair red blood, she coughed again, more spray.
A hot mix of angry and anxious, Sean leaned down and gently took Sabrina's shoulder from behind, turning her to face him as he pulled her up. Her head was only at his chest height, Sean bent over and stared at the tear in her sweatshirt, and the soft red stain spreading from it.
She grinned awkwardly, "guess they got me pretty good huh? HeheAck-" she coughed again, spraying drops of blood onto Sean's dirty t-shirt and collapsing into his arms. Sean's eyes were wide with anxiety and burned with rage at the same time.
He caught his little sister gently but firmly as she slipped into his arms. Her blue eyes fluttered as she looked up at his burning green ones. "You won't-" she grimaced as blood coated her fine lips.
"You won't- hurt- annnnnNnnNnyone...rrrRrriiIiight, bro-r-ro?.." Sean's eyes softened. "Of course not... please, don't talk, just rest." He shifted one of his arms so it was under her ragged jeans and delicate legs, scooping her gently.
He carried her over to the couch, laying her down on the old tattered fabric. He gently slid his strong arms out from under her small frame, her eyes fluttered and closed. Sean gently stroked her cheek, pushing a sweaty tendrils of red hair off of her face.
"Shhh... you just rest here, don't you worry." She would be fine, for now, he didn't have long. Lingering a moment to make sure she was asleep, he stood slowly. He reached beside the couch and picked up a thick blanket, draping It over Sabrina.
Staring down at her, she was so small in his massive shadow, on the large couch... he didn't have time to waste. Eyes re-igniting, he strode for the door, grabbing his knife on the way out.
He was sick of these nobodies hurting his sister, and he was going to send them somewhere they would never bother his little angel again.
But he didn't have much time.
Maybe only a couple hours, Sabrina needs attention, he may have to go for help.
But he had to find these people.
"Better make this quick then."
Sean grasped the hilt of his knife and strode out the door, locking it behind him.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,826 Reviews
Hey luv
You'll have to tag me when you post works; I'll check them out in the future.
Alright, so first of all, I like your story! Feels a bit like a chapter to a suspenseful story in a lot of ways, but I figured you wrote in burst-segments till you lost interest. I do that a lot with longer stories xDDD
There's a lot of good details in here, too. The crappy door, the generally trashed apartment, the tense mood when Sean's sis comes back, etc. I recommend breaking some bits into new paragraphs, though. Same with the dialogue; whens someone starts talking, it usually means you start a new paragraph for the dialogue. I'll have to double-check if that's a rule or a preference, though.
But seriously, doll. It's a really good work, it just leaves you with a lot of questions. Who hurt Sabrina, and why? Is this just a modern day, on-the-streets-of-NY setting, or are we talking dystopian horrors? Why is she coughing up blood; was it a beating, a stabbing, or some other horror? Why does she only have a few hours? Is this like life-threatening, or zombie-esque, or... HOW AWESOME IS SEAN GONNA GET?!?! I mean usually if the fella in a story goes straight for the knife, BAMMO things go from zero to bada** in a fraction of a second. xDDD
Also, I read Stella's review, and this IS one helluva cliffhanger. I'm not saying you should necessarily end the story in a traditional way, though. I think if you answered some of those questions--who hurt Sabrina and why, is this just a ghetto neighborhood or some kind of gang-like dystopian setting, and the like--then you could easily end the story with a "Sean grabbed a knife and..." like you did.
I really enjoyed it though, luv. Good to see you posting things
Happy writing
Aww, thanks, this is kinda refreshing..
In my mind here are the answers to a few of the questions.
She is being harassed at school, if you noticed, she got cut off in her sentence, she was saying asking if he had "that thing" in the original story, he grabbed a scythe, and there was some magical stuff going down, and his "thing" was his secret membership to an organization... but I removed that cause I thought I'd get too harsh of a review for just the random sudden scythe... :/
Also she was stabbed, so yeah... and she only has a few hours cause of how bad it was.in this version, normal old new York. Sorry to disappoint.. :p
But really, thank you.. this was kinda refreshing.
Hey Merry! Stella here to give you a review
So this was an interesting little snippet, but it didn't really feel like a short story, it felt like the beginning of something! One of the things teachers always say which sounds silly and useless is that every story should have a beginning, a middle and an end. Yours has a beginning, and a middle... but an end? Sean goes outside to try and find people but does he ever? Do we ever reach a resolution? You see how the story doesn't really end? That's how this isn't a short story! It's a beginning, and a middle, but no end. Once you end it, then it's a full story.
My main other issue is your formatting. Paragraphs! Paragraphs are great, because they make everything easier to read. Remember to start a new paragraph whenever you're introducing a new thought or idea, or whenever a new person starts to speak. So just for instance (but I won't do the whole thing):
Do you see how that looks so much better? Doesn't it look the way it might look in a book? It's easier to read, it's more professional, overall it's all win-win. Just remember to always use paragraphs, even if you have to add them in after you've written it all.
Another small thing - you call Sabrina's hands 'porcine' - that means 'pig-like'. Is that what you meant, or did you mean 'porcelain'? I mean, maybe they are porcine!
Overall I was intrigued by who Sabrina got hurt by, and what Sean's going to do... even if Sean didn't seem like a very nice guy at the beginning I was impressed how much he cared for his sister... so that's why you should finish the story!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella xx
Hey Stella, thanks for the review.
About the not having an end thing, I really can't do ends, I don't know why. Everything I've ever written by th r time I get to the end I've either lost interest, lost motivation, or don't know how to write it. I find it fun to leave it open ended so people can imagine what happens next, or like a permanent cliff hanger... it intrigues me to get moments, like windows, into people's lives, emotional, visual little glimpses. Guess that's not a good thing... :/
Also paragraphs, yeah people have said I need to break things up more before.. :/ that's one thing I just forget to do a lot...
And yeah I meant to put porcelain... I don't know how I missed that... guess autocorrect got the better of me in the end... is there any way to edit the story and fix that? This is the first thing I've ever posted and I don't really know how anything works.. sorry :/
Thanks for the review though...
I found out how to fix the really basic errors and changed them by the way, thanks for the tips..
Hey Merry! Don't apologise
and yeah we can edit works - you'll find the option on a little drop down menu on the right hand side of the page.
Don't worry about not being able to do endings, I find them hard too (which is why I never write short stories). The best advice I can give is to try plan the story before you start... But that's so boring XD
Practice makes perfect, so just keep writing, you'll get there
- Stella x