Prologue
The universe is a truly massive, truly diverse place... I guess. It seems to stretch infinitely, carrying stars and planets of all sizes as it expands into eternity... But it doesn't. And, spoiler alert, there is no afterlife. All you're doing is contributing to your universe's burning of energy on a path to entropy. Doubt me? Well, I'm not entirely surprised. I've found that most intelligent life spends a lot of time trying to answer the same question. I can hear your thoughts now, pondering the hows and whys of your own existence. Well, luckily for you, I've decided to will this book you're reading into existence to answer the unanswerable.
Are you not impressed by my thesis? Well, there is no proper thesis for the story I am preparing to tell and, to be honest, I wish not to tell it at all. The universe is so much more fun when it's beyond the realm of explanation, but some mortals went about and ruined the mystery of my beloved creation. Well, I suppose it's not technically my creation, but everything that exists is the result of me. Confused? Perfect.
Let me explain myself just a bit before we begin this story together. I am God... kind of. I am not the only god, but I am basically the god of the gods. I am the epicenter of this dimension and I've found no evidence for the existence of a power greater than myself. You're lucky this story isn't about me, that would be a bore. I'm immortal, omnipotent, and omniscient. That doesn't make for a very good story. What does make for a good story, however, is diversity.
The universes that have been created under my watch are so different from me. They are born and they die. I simply always have been and always will be. Mortality is a concept so foreign to me, but a concept I have learned over the eons. Mortality brings about emotions in those who face it. Love, hate, anger, and happiness are all things I never naturally experienced. I've wound up modeling myself after my mortal creations to some extent or another. Existence is more fun with the variety of mortality. But mirth is not the only byproduct of life, I've discovered.
I sit upon a throne between the eternities. The Void, as I call it, is my home. It is the gap between all of the infinite universes within the multiverse I've created. Yes, this includes yours, my lovely reader. Little do you know that people are reading this story along with you in an infinite number of other universes. You're not alone in your actions whatsoever, so don't think reading this amateur story somehow validates your individuality. It doesn't. And remember, I'm basically God. You should take this seriously. What happens in other universes, especially when it effects the Void, will have a rippling effect on the entire multiverse. Perhaps this story has reached you before the effects of this story have. I certainly hope that's the case.
But that's enough about me, I don't want to spoil the story! Let me go ahead and take you to our setting. Deep within the multiverse lies a universe I'm far too lazy to name, with trillions of heavenly bodies I'm far too lazy to describe. What matters is one solar system located in a massive spiral galaxy. This is a binary star solar system, the two stars rotating around each other. The planets figure eight between the stars in their orbit. There are many small planets that are incapable of housing life, but two lie in the zone just far enough from either star that they can house life.
Now, there are billions of binary solar systems in an infinite number of universes along with an infinite number of planets that can house life, but some are undoubtedly more important than others. No, I am not picking favorites by any means. There are just flaws with the way this dimension was created and this specific star system has a lot to do with one of those flaws. Before we continue, I want you to remember to take everything you hear with a grain of salt. The universe is rarely as it appears and there is no such thing as perfection.
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hello! Writervid here with a review!
Okay...this was...well...not what I expected. The themes here were a little dark and a little scary to think about. There is no afterlife? That was a dismal thought. And the thoughts of all those infinite planets....well, that made me feel small. Insignificant. Dustlike.
I'm going to now plunge headfirst into this review!
Hook--
Your hook is one of the most important things in your writing. Like @Lightsong said, the first sentence is what makes "agents/readers would decide whether the novel is really worth reading, whether it can keep their interest for a long time." And @Lightsong was right about your hook: it does not hold my attention.
If I were looking at it really cynically and rudely I'd go: "Really? Like we haven't heard THAT before. Duh! And why are all those trulys in there, anyway?" But the thing is, this is a statement that generally everyone has acknowledged at some point in their lifetime. YES the universe
The thing that's wrong about this factual statement being your hook? Hooks are about questions. They're about questions that make people think and wonder what this is about--who is this character? why are they doing what they are doing? Hooks are bout questions that cause you to think. So give us questions; this piece is filled with them.
Character--
This character had a PERSONALITY. God (who sounded oddly like a human) cracked me up at times! God was sort of egotistical, sort of in your face, a bit moody, and a person (person?) who enjoys the mystical and keeping things mysterious. God was a great personality, which really put some sizzle into your narrative.
Hope this analysis helped!
Hey, I'm here to leave a quick review!
You might or might not have heard this, but first sentence in a novel is really important. From it, agents/readers would decide whether the novel is really worth reading, whether it can keep their interest for a long time. This sentence doesn't quite make me feel that--it's not much of a hook. I'm pretty sure one can deduce what the narrator tells us here.
Also, be aware with emphasizing words. 'Truly' doesn't add much to make the sentence more powerful--you can start it without 'truly' and nothing would be affected. The same goes to 'very' and 'so'. Not to mention, 'truly' is an adverb, and although adverbs can be used sometimes, you can't use them too much, and certainly you don't have to start the novel with one of it.
This one can serve as a 'hook'. It succeeds on making me intrigue by what it could possibly mean. A little tweaking should be done, of course, to make it a proper first sentence.
I think from this prologue we can pretty much imagine what is the God's personality, and I'd like to compliment you on that. This sentence is one of the examples of how you show us His personality. Despite being a God, he pretty much acts like a human. xD
I... don't quite understand what this sentence means. Fix its structure, perhaps?
I think at this point, you've info-dumped. It isn't much, but I think it takes away a bit the narration's power. I think you can weave this information from the first chapter till the end. You can give us just one brief sentence about what to expect in the next chapter. 'The second is a large planet called Shyft, one that is inhabited by faeries, dwarves, elves, and other creatures thought to be of myth to most. The story begins here.'
Anyway, that's all! I think this novel has potential about it, and I'm a bit disappointed on the way it's going, because I'd like to delve more into this theme about God and the universe as opposed to a planet of mythical creatures. That being said, the narrator's voice is strong here, and being an actually fantasy fan, I'd be interested to find out what's in store next. I'm pretty sure we've yet to meet our protagonist, and other characters we would meet later.
Keep up the good job!
Thank you very much! I definitely found myself a bit confused in setting up the story. I was much more focused on setting up the narrator than I was on the quality of the writing which is certainly evident.
I'll likely make some edits before I move on to the next chapter. Thank you for reading and thank you for the review, I'll definitely take those criticisms into consideration!