Published January 6, 2009
This was writen in a weird way so idk and there may be ( lets say there is a lot of mistakes. more in punctuation than anything lol) but ya see what u think.
He closed his eyes.
At first he didn’t know why.
But then he remembered.
It was because he was afraid.
Yet he was confused.
He didn’t know what he was afraid of.
Yet something, something had made him close his eyes.
But now it was just darkness.
In a way it was comforting,
just thick blackness everywhere.
But was it?
No! There was a gray as well.
Why? Why was there a gray? For it had just been black and comfortable.
But not now.
The gray where did it come from?
Why was it making delusions or apparitions in the black?
He wondered? Is it a real? No his eyes were closed.
Yet, he walked toward it
Knowing that his fear was out of the way.
The gray, he could see was shaped like a man.
Yet this man was in front of something.
Yes! The man was in front of a lot of something.
He could see it!
He could see the beauty, the hills, the mountains, the rivers, the valleys and the pastures
They were all there!
Yet this man?
He was standing by the gate and his back was turned.
You could tell he was peaceful.
For this was his land, his view.
But wait!
Why was he receding?
Why was the gray going away?
With a cry he opened his eyes.
He then looked at his hands,
He knew what they had done.
He knew what they could do.
He had seen, seen it all as if it were him.
But wait it was him.
There was no denying that.
He could still hear the scream.
It wasn’t his fault, he just needed the money.
But that image, he knew that image.
Didn’t he? For he had been there.
Then why? Why was he still afraid?
Why had he closed his eyes.
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I understood the whole poem. I knew what it was about. However, it wasn't written in poetic form. More of a short story. There wasn't really a rythm or a beat. There doesn't have to be a period at the end of almost every line either. I see that you have done that here. You have to much repitition in this poem. It is mentioned that he don't know why he has closed his eyes alot. Along with everything else. It makes it boring after a while. It doesn't flow very well, making it difficult to read.
I think that it could be promising, but it needs alot of editing. Pm me if you need any help with it.
This is strange. It seemed like prose broken up into lines to me. Sorry if you intended it to be a poem, but it didn't sound very poetic. Still, it made me think.
Are you saying 'Is it a dream' or 'Is it real'? I'm not sure what you mean with that line.
This part is pretty much all tell, not show. In poetry, imagery helps a lot. If you could describe the hills, or whatever else, it would help a lot. Was the river quietly flowing? Were the pastures rippling in the wind? We know that there's all the landscape, but we don't know what it looks like.
There should be a question mark instead of a period.
All in all, this could use a little polishing. I remember my first 'official' poem. I had to rewrite the whole thing, which took me three weeks to write in the first place. *shudders* Anyway, I suggest to edit this a bit.