Published December 7, 2008
hey im new to this (= this is just some thoughts that came through (=
A sorrowful pain drives up from beneath,
With whispering despair it claws my thoughts,
The draining light of life sweeps away,
Left for the floating moon,
But there is hope, there is always hope.
Like a gleaming star unafraid of darkness,
A solo fighter defending its ground,
I must look inside and find the will,
Stand up for my inner light to radiate out through life.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,622 Literary Works • 673,562 Reviews
[b] I like this scene of self-actualization-and preservation. Although you connect
the other comparisons, if you expound upon the star as the strength in this
poem, I think it would capture more of your original intention?!
u did good buddy
Silly people, of course pain can be sorrowful. Sorrow is pain in a sense, so pain is a form of sorrow as well. Another thing is that there really is no such thing as randomness, because it is what you make of it and means something different to each person. And the images are beautiful!!!!
Tis my favorite line! Anyway, I loved it. And you too
thank u for the advice (= and i will edit it soon lol its something i deffinatly need help with organising my thoughts lol but im sure with time i will begin to find a way, and thank u again (=
Okay...
I don't know. This wasn't really good.
I is a little boring. There are some parts that seem to have nice images, but mostly it is dull. It's a bit straight forward. Also, it's a bit short. There is only basic ideas in this poem and none of them really gives us the feeling that he is in pain.
A sorrowful pain drives up from beneath,
This is not good. The idea is good, but the sentence is just wrong. How can the pain be sad?? A weird imagery. Though it might work...You just have to fix the sentence. This line is too straight forward and that is why it isn't such a good imagery. You need to stretch it over two lines so that you had enough time to explain why the pain is sorrowful.
All in all: It needs a lot of work. Try to fill the gaps in. Let us use our five senses in this poem.
Hope it helps.
Hello, and welcome to YWS. Just so you know, you are required to do two reviews for every one of your posts.
[sorrowful pain]
How can pain be sorrowful?
Why is left for the floating moon? Random imagery means nothing. Sounds pretty but means nothing.
*
This is fairly simplistic. I don't have anything against it and the images flow well mostly, but I just don't care very much about it? There needs to be more of a tangible person these feelings are affecting, I think - the anonymity or invisibility can be good as it has a more universal appeal I guess, but I would care more if I got more of a sense of the person and why he's in pain, etc.
Hope this helped.