A poem I wrote about 5/6 years ago.
Concido (To Fail)
A million pale lines,
Wrist to shoulder,
Shoulder to wrist,
All the way up,
All the way down.
I trace them with my fingertip,
Every single one.
Each is a reminder
Each a "note to self",
To not be so stupid next time.
So sick of feeling like this
Night and day
Every waking moment
And every dreaming hour.
Sick of feeling so useless,
So hopeless,
So lost,
So damn inadequate.
Desperate for a moments relief,
Just a little release.
So,
Here's the choice,
March straight on,
Or back right down.
Give up,
Or be strong.
So what do I do?
I ignore every pale line, that's what,
Each one etched into my skin.
I reach for that blade aga.
That tiny inanimate object I've come to hate so much.
That tiny inanimate object I've relied upon for so long.
For a moments peace of mind
The price of innocence must be paid.
Blood drips,
Tissues litter the floor, stained red.
With each drip of blood a tear is close behind.
Stupid, stupid girl.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
This is a very emotional and well-written piece, I really like it. However there are a couple of things I think could be better:
So what do I do? I don't really like this rhetorical question. Not sure why.
I reach for that blade aga. Do you mean "again"?
For a moments peace of mind Should be "moment's", since it's not a plural, it's possessive.
I really like the ending to this poem, the last two lines finish the poem off nicely and overall it's a well-written piece. Good job.
I really like it.
Two small issues with it, though.
Where you say, "So damn inadequate." Your poem gave me the first impression of being nice and slow, something to flow through. That line disrupts the easy flow of things. It sounds to harsh and out of place. Taking out the "damn" would make it flow easier.
"That tiny inanimate object I've come to hate so much.
That tiny inanimate object I've relied upon for so long."
^^^^^The second line seems a little bit too much. I read this poem out loud, to get a feel of it on my lips, and it feels like you used more words than necessary. I suggest you rewrite it like this-
"That tiny inanimate object I've come to hate so much,
that I've relied upon for so long." Just a suggestion, though.
Good work! I can't wait to read some more of your work!