Questions arise in my mind
As each moment pass by.
Reminding me how little I know
Who am I ? Or Why am I here?
I am uncertain of my dreams!
In search of my destiny.
Filled with passions
As I embark on the journey of life.
Answering every moment
But unclear of my own image
Discovering the world
And forgetting my own inner self
How little I know of me!
Will I ever get to know?
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No one can completely tell about themselves, thats a fact. I tried to frame the same thing.
The second stanza explains how most of us live our life.
On the whole the poem brings in the readers consideration the unanswerable question of EXISTENCE and the purpose of life which can not be concluded at one end.
English is my third language Urdu being first and Arabic second.So I make mistakes.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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this sounded more like a journal entry than anything else. it was hard to feel a connection. which makes it even more difficult to critique.
Yeah, this lacked thought and originality. Too many questions, not enough answers. Also far too much telling. Please give us something fresh and new for our imagination to chew on! Use more exciting imagery. Instead of:
"I am uncertain of my dreams"
Try: "My dreams cloud me with their indecipherable innuendos"
Doesn't this feel more immediate, pulling you right into the action? That's because I'm not summing anything up for you (telling), but moreover I'm really reaching to express my thoughts; I'm SHOWING.
Learn to respect the exclamation mark! Don't use it unless you are deliberately being gushy and overwrought, which clearly isn't the case here. Understatement is far more powerful than hyperbole or exaggeration.
Also, don't spoonfeed the audience your meaning. Allow your language to express itself, otherwise what is the point of the poem in the first place?
Just because we've criticised this poem doesn't mean you should give up. Keep writing! I'm sure these problems will sort themselves out with a bit of redrafting and good old-fashioned perseverance. After all, since when did a little criticism harm anyone?
Go for it!
Gahks
(As this stands, I'm rating this piece 4/10. With some effort, this could easily become a 7, given the potentially profound nature of the subject matter.
Sorry, but this poem was plain, dull, and boring. There were some grammer errors in the poem. Comes to show that using spell check can be extremely handy at times! I believe that if you look over and rewrite this poem, I bet it will we be more enjoyable to read. I hope everything goes great for you! See you later!
Indeed questions arise!
I question your haphazard use of exclamation points!
See, I'm disappointed by this poem, because you seem incapable of going deep at all into the deepest subject in the universe. (Except perhaps, the universe). We all want to know the same questions about existence and Identity which you ask, and so, forgive me for being bored by a simple restatement of these questions. The second stanza does not clear up these questions, it hardly posits an answer. Instead it obfuscates.
When poets dig themselves a hole (i.e. having to answer unanswerable questions) they tend to try to muddle the issue with flowery language and confusing imagery. This is such an example. Unfortunately, I don't buy it. I think the problem with this poem is the subject. Pick something you can answer.
I don't know. I'm not inspired or even really questioning.
Entitled "Questions Arise!" I expected the questions which were to arise would either be more reader accessible or the poem would cause me to question a variety of things worldwide. What we have here is a poem which is more about your narrator asking herself/himself questions than your reader becoming questioning.
"Who am I?" Big question to take up and you don't add a new slant to it.
"Why am I here?" The million dollar question and you don't answer it or even attempt to. So yes, I'm left thinking that questions do arise but do you answer them?
Hopefully you can see the irony of me asking you that question.
My teacher once said to our class that she felt we all had one exclamation mark in us and that was all, so we had to use it wisely. Your exclamations here are rather haphazard and frankly don't warrant exclamation. So cut some of them and if you feel you want to use up your ONE exclamation mark up here, do; use it well, though.
Oh please, not this. "Inner self" - it makes me gag. It's such a silly expression. I know no one who would refer to their inner self as their inner self. They might say my names Cherie but I'm Bob on the inside or something similar.
What I'm getting at is, hell, if you have an inner self what is it? I'm sure your inner self would be offended if referred to like that. Give it a name, then I can make a connection.
I'm with Eimear. I'm not getting anything from this.
That's the only grammatical errors I can see for now. As for the rest, well, I didn't feel as If I really got anything from reading this poem. It lacks any real energy or thought. You tell rather than show. Maybe revise these points a little?
Hope and best wishes,
Eimear xx