Published February 13, 2011
MY BLOOD IS RED.
WHAT COLOUR IS YOUR'S?
IS IT ANY DIFFERENT ?
THAT WE FIGHT OR QUARREL?
DONT I FEED ON THE SAME DIET?
OR FEEL PAIN OTHERWISE?
TO ME GOOD IS GOOD!
AND BAD A SIN AFTER THRICE!
IF I'M DARK I'M A SLAVE.
YOUR WHITE.. SO YOU ESCAPE?
DO I STOP YOU FROM GROWING A BEARD?
AM I NOT SHIVERING FROM A SIMILAR FEAR?
9/11 SUCCESSFULLY GONE.
THE CASE AND THE MYSTERY STILL ON.
FIND A MAN TO BE BLAMED.
IGNORE THOSE WHOSE LIES PROCLAIM!
LAND IS A MATTER OF DISGUST AND QUERY.
TEMPLE OR MOSQUE..TO THAT WE ARE WORRIED.
HUNGER TO THE POOR ,DECIDES NOT ON THE COLOUR OR RACE!
IT STRIKES TO ALL,THEY NEED HELP TO BE PLACED!
AM I WRONG IF I ASKED YOU TO PAINT ..
THE VERSES OF MY SCRIPTURES ON MY DEATH BED..
BUT,WHAT IF I'M BURNT IN A STAMPEDE OR A BLAST?
WILL YOU STILL READ ME THE HOLY WORDS ALAS?!
DO I CRY OR TORMENT?
AT THE THOUGHT OF MY CHILD..
WITH DRUGS SURROUNDED..
AND BOOZE ON HIS MIND?
BT,WHO IS TO CARE WITH REGIONAL TALKS?
DISCUSSION OVER LANGUAGES AND CULTURES ON BEHALF?
ON BEHALF OF THE DEAD,WHY DONT YOU TRY?
TO BRING AWARENESS THAT WE NEED A SIGHT!
A SIGHHT TO LOOK OUT FOR THOSE WHO TERRORISE..
NOT THOSE WHO CARRY GUNS AND BOMBS AT SHOT!
NOT THOSE WHO MAKE ATTEMPTS TO KILL A GROUP IN A LOT..
NOT THOSE WHO FOR SLAINING THE PRESIDENTS NOW CAUGHT!
LOOK OUT FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVE THAT EACH GOD IS SEPARATE..
EACH MAN A DUNGEON TO THE EVIL ACTIONS THAT SLAY..
WHO CALL WHITE AND BLACK IN DAY!
WHO RECOGNISE A MAN BY WHICH LORD HE PRAYS..
MY BLOOD IS RED!
AINT UR'S TOO?
OR IS IT ANY DIFFERENT?
CUZ YOUR A MUSLLIM OR A HINDU!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,535 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
On the overalls, I don't think it is wise to use upper case throughout the whole thing especially since you use question and exclamation marks.
On the first line of the ninth stanza there is a spelling error which is sight having a double "H."
On the last line of the eleventh stanza, there are double "L's" on the word Muslim.
But I strongly agree with your point (the message of the poem).
Why hello there! I'm geekchic but you can call me Hope.
As for your poem, I really liked it. It beings up a lot of important issues that aren't really being discussed. Most of the rhyming you used didn't seem forced and it flowed nicely. However there are some things in this that can be fixed. The previous people brought these up I think.
1) Making everything uppercase and ending each sentence with an exclamation point is distracting and it takes away from the poem.
2) There are a couple of spelling errors.
3) Instead of using chat speak, spell out the words. It takes longer and it gt quite annoying, but it makes your work 100% better.
Other than those little things this was a great poem. Awesome job!
-Hope
I agree with the above comments. After I've read most of your stuff, this... your short story, I get the impression your an excited person. Tone down the capital letters, it gives me the idea your shouting it at me. And tone down the exlamation marks, too. That's all I can say. I didn't like it much. Sorry.
Phoenix lands for a review
First off I'm not exactly sure why this is in all caps. When I see all caps I imagine a person yelling at me. When I imagine someone yelling at me I get a headache. When I get a headache I get very cranky. You don't want to see me cranky so tone it down with the caps. I see no reason for it. Some may say it is a stylistic choice, but in this case I see no reason for it. I get the concept, but honestly it detracts from the message.
Huh
But
For the most part the rhyme pattern has been fine. This bit here gives me a Doctor Seuss vibe. That kind of takes away from the message.
This section is very chat speakish and like the other two examples I pointed out, detracts from the message which is a good one. The idea of this poem is good, but the few things like that kind of undermine the credibility of it.
Phoenix bursts into flames
Hi, I'm emoticon220 but call me Rae. First things first, you shouldn't need to use all caps, I read the poem and it is very powerful in itself. I liked it over all. Very moving and true to the world today there are a few spelling mistakes "sight" 9th stanza 3rd line. Muslim, last line. And then cuz and urs and ain't, I think it would look better if you spelled the words fully. Especially because the text style language doesn't occur Anywhere else in the poem. It's a great poem and I look forward to reading other works of yours. Keep writing because you are really good. Pm me with any questions.
Brigitte rae