Published March 5, 2009
I wrote this essay about somethin im truly passionate about:breakdancing.To tell you the truth when i cant really describe what its like to be inside a circle or even practicing.The word complete sells the experience short.But i tried in this paragraph to describe what its like to be in a circle.Its not finished,this is just what ive written so far.
"Tracks laced with fire spin in motions reminiscent to days past.Traditions formed through struggle translate at the middle of a screaming circle.My head low i cant help but move,bob my head to the clouds and back.The music motions me into a trance,feeling like i grounded eagle i pick up up speed to fly.Filled with energy my heart explodes as unnamed elements push me on.Dancing in the moonlight only strengthens my step."
Lol thats all i got so far.What do you guys think?
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Its not that gr88.. but u can do better..
OK, so most of this was covered. I just found some small issues...
Try it;
"Traditions, formed through struggle, translate at the middle of a screaming circle."
Much easier to understand!
Awkward! Change it up a bit to this, if it is still what you were trying to say;
"The music motions me into a trance, feeling like an eagle ready to soar, my wings take flight"... or something like that. See what I mean
Try something a little more poetic. You did in all the other lines! You are talking about moonlight here, and I think it deserves a it of personification, like so;
"As long as the moon is smiling down at me, my step strengthens." or something. I don't know, but I would try it. I liked this piece very much, otherwise!
okay so basically i really liked this. it was a little confusing with all of the grammar problems and junk that Proffessor Clever here mentioned, but i almost like it better that way. its definitely not proper english, but im convince that there are so many things in this world that can be written in improper english and still be just as good as anything.
i liked the "improper-english-ness" of this because it reminded me of breakdancing. now i dont know much about break dancing other than what ive seen on tv and maybe once in person, at a distance. but i mean the way you described things, although slightly confusing, was also beautiful in a way. it was like lovely chaos. which is how i see breakdancing basically. i dont know if you meant it to give that impression, but thats what i see in this peice. like as if youve got so much energy the words just sort of tumble out of your mouth in an attempt to describe that energy.
so yea, maybe make it flow a tad better, but the basic idea i liked. keep working on it.
Hi 84Moss,
Welcome to YWS, I'm sure you'll have a most pleasant stay!
You haven't really given us much to work with here. I don't know much about breakdancing, But I will nevertheless give this little piece a bit of a go. I take it from the fact that you posted so little to start off with that you want me to be as critical as I can. So, here goes:
This should be "reminiscent of", not "reminiscent to". Also, if this is not a fictional piece this does sound a little melodramatic.
Now, you really need to start putting spaces between periods and new sentences.
This is unclear, and I don't know if the word you want here is "translate".
Try this: "With my head low, I can't help but bob my head to and fro between the clouds and our earth."
The grammar doesn't work to well here. Try: "The music pushes me into a trance. As though I am a grounded eagle, I begin to garner the speed necessary to fly."
as "unknown" elements "drive" you on.
You seem really passionate about great dancing, and with passion can only come a good essay. So, continue writing. The more you read the better you write, and the more you write the better you write.
So, I hope the review helped.
Have a good one!