Please comment as much as you like!!! oh and feel free to leave a star...that is if you like my piece so far...thanks for even clicking on it! okay i'll be quiet now.
Chapter 1
Once upon, a bunch of times in the kingdom of Rozz lived a prince, actually more like a prince in training. Every waking hour he would be trained to slay the violent dragons (which was actually a knight with a blowtorch dressed in a dragon costume), kiss the lips of an unconscious princess (which was actually a tranquilized pig), sing in soprano when the princess starts to sing for him to come (he decided he would carry around an audiotape), learn to trick a princess into kissing him in case cast into an animal, and to climb the exceptionally long hair of the princess in the highest tower (which was actually a roped lassoed around a donkey).
“All right Prince let’s get it on!” Marlene, a witch that trained the Prince, shouted into her bullhorn. Prince nodded and began to wield his sword at Charlie, a knight in a dragon’s costume.
Charlie was a giant, standing at a jaw dropping seven feet; Prince had to look up at him in order to see his component’s face. Prince took a dramatic step forward raising the sword high into the air when Marlene began to holler at him.
“Wait! I forgot the music!” she yelled. She clapped her hands and a man appeared next to her. “Alright, go!” the drummer began to beat nosily on his drums as Prince continued to fight Charlie in the dragon costume.
“Marlene when can I go pull the sword out of the boulder?” Prince asked hitting Charlie with the flat of his sword.
“It’s not open yet, besides some stupid guy named Arthur got signed up for it tomorrow.”
“Well where’s Snow?”
“She’s been taken.”
“Cinderella?”
“Taken.” Prince dodged Charlie’s wooden sword.
“How about Aurora?”
“I don’t think she’s your type. She’s always asleep and you’re always awake.”
“Where’s Emily?”
“Who?”
“Emily…you know Emily, he princess from Lockdale.”
“Never heard of her.”
“Marlene what did you do to her.”
“Nothing!”
“I command you to tell me what has happened to Emily!” Prince said facing away from Charlie. Charlie who had been swinging aimlessly with his sword had managed to finally hit Prince in the back of the head.
“Ow!” he shouted. He chucked his own wooden sword at Charlie sending the dragon to the ground.
“Nice job.” He muttered.
“Marlene what has happened to my dear Emily!” Prince shouted again.
“I will not tell you.” She said crossing her arms across her chest.
“Oh, but I know someone who will.” Prince said almost maliciously.
~
“You called?” said the wooden puppet.
“Pinocchio, don’t tell him anything!” Marlene wailed.
“What had happened to Emily?” Prince asked ignoring the witch.
“Emily who?” Pinocchio said bluntly.
“I’ll find your father.” Prince bargained.
“What was the girl’s name again…I might have seen her somewhere.” Pinocchio said slowly.
“Emily. Where is Emily?”
“Okay here it goes. Emily went to-” suddenly, Marlene snapped her finger and Pinocchio was lifted from his seat. Sparkling dust twirled around him and an orchestra strings could be heard playing an enchanting tune from outside. The puppet was lowered back down in his chair. The wooden exterior he once had was now gone. Skin had replaced anything wooden. Marlene smiled contently.
“Where did Emily go?” Prince persisted anxiously. The once wooden puppet looked up at him with sparkling blue eyes and hopped down from his chair.
“I’m a real boy!”
“Pinocchio…”
“Bye Pinocchio, go find your father! I know you can do it!” Marlene shouted after the boy as he rushed out the door, all the while yelling at the top of his lung, “I’m a real boy, I’m a real boy. Look at me you fools I’m a real boy!”
“Marlene…” Prince growled turning towards her.
“I’ll see you at dinner. Bye Prince!” she said and disappeared in a puff of purple smoke. Prince heaved a sigh and slammed his head on the table next to him.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
*deep breath*....Ok, I have calmed myself down...but....THIS STORY IS SO FUNNY!!!!*rolling around laughing again* Well, sorry for the long absence, but I have exams and my own story to write. Now to the review!
Im quite late for a review here...since everyone before me have said almost everything I need to say ._., but let me see what else I can find.
Like RosyUni has said, the comma would be better if it's placed after "times", or you can use ellipsis to slow down the pace and make it sound more fun. About the comma after "prince", I also think you should let it be a period, sperate the thoughts and stress the fact that the prince is still"in-training", increasing the humorous element. So this is what I would write:
"Once upon...a bunch of times, in the kingdom of Rozz lived a prince. Actually, more like a prince in training."
Because everything else have explaination in brackets, I want to see some explaination for this too! Like:
"...learn to trick a princess into kissing him in case cast into an animal ("101 ways to get a princess's kiss when you are an animal" is his text book),..."
Charlie supposed to be a dragon right? ._. Dragons do not use sword as far as I know. Lets say:
"Charlie, whose eyes have been covered by the dragon costume, spun around blindly, and the dragon tail hit Prince in the back of the head."
Confused! @_@ Who is talking here? Prince or Charlie?
I don't think anyone would shout like that. First, because it's long and very breath-consuming to shout that whole sentence.(I tried, but maybe I just have small lungs) Second, there should always be an comma or something after a person name. I would have writtien it like this:
"Marlene! What has happened to my dear Emily?"
Sorry but I don't quite have the time to read this more carefully. However, this story is good so far, and it makes my cousin thinks im crazy because I laugh so loud when reading this. Good luck on your writing!
Hiya Cookies! Here as requested!
~ The comma would fit better after "times" as others have mentioned.
~ I think the comma after "prince" would be better as a period. It would make it funnier.
Even though pigs make good human analogues for other things, kissing doesn't sound like one of them.
Soprano is actually a girl's singing-voice. ^_^ I'm aware this is a parody, but a tenor or countertenor is the male voice equivalent. (I loved the part about carrying around an audiotape. That was funny.)
"The" should be cut here for consistency. If you're going to call him Prince for most of the story, don't put "the Prince" anywhere. It'll confuse people.
"Opponent's face"
Capitalize "the" here, since it's not a tag/tied in with the Witch speaking.
A dragon with a sword? I don't think that sounds right.
I see you're using the Disney versions of these fairy-tales. Have you considered using the original ones? They can be a bit scary, but you might have a bit more creative liberties over things.
Changes made: Added two commas, deleted "had" and replaced "in" with "on"
The reason for that last change is hitting him in the back of the head means you hit his brain, or Charlie hit him from inside his head.
Comma after "Charlie"
~ Put a comma at the end of the dialogue and uncapitalize "he"
~ It is unclear who "he" is in this sentence. The last paragraph talked about Prince doing some action, while this one seems to be Charlie talking. Put in some proper names to avoid that.
If he's lying (which he seems to be doing) shouldn't his nose get longer?
"Suddenly" should be capitalized since it wasn't Pinocchio doing the action.
*
Talking Heads and Description: So, a lot of your lines here are taggless. Meaning they don't have any mention of who's saying them. That can be fine for short segments, but really, tags should show up about once every three or four lines. Check out this article for more info on talking heads.
Little Details: Watch that you explain/research those little details. Even though this is a parody, you still need them. In fact, you might need them more because this is a parody. If you get a character's trait wrong, people will pounce on it and loose faith in your work.
Fairy-Tale use: At the beginning, in the dialogue, it was rather funny (Despite the talking heads. See note above). But when you start talking about Pinocchio it doesn't really feel like his character. The plot was there, to a point, but it didn't really feel real. It just felt like a lose usage of the character.
Grammar: A few minor things here. I'd check out this article on dialogue punctuation and this article for general punctuation.
Overall: I got some chuckles out of this, mostly at the beginning and very end. Some of it though didn't feel quite right. I'd polish up the writing style a bit and get some details strait in later parts.
Hope I helped and happy editing!
~Rosey
Hi 82,
This is a good start. Some elements of this spoof/parody were amusing, such as the first paragraph and its list of subverted cliches, and a lot of the first section of dialogue, eg. "When can I pull the sword out of the boulder?" / "Some stupid guy named Arthur got signed up for it". I'm afraid I found the humour level dropped off toward the end, and since the story became 90% dialogue, I struggled to follow the plot: I think the story maybe needs to slow down and focus on what's happening instead of stringing dialogue together with staccato bits of action.
I found the anachronistic technology (modern tech such as audiotapes vs medieval tech such as swordfights) slightly confusing, but I guess that's a part of the spoof - just a part that I don't find funny.
You might want to clean up this piece a little more. You have a lot of grammatical errors, who/which errors, mixed-up similar words like component/companion, nosily/noisily, etc.
I enjoyed the dialogue, which sounded authentic and flowed naturally. Something I wasn't so keen on was the dialogue tags. It seemed as if every line was "shouted", "yelled", "muttered", "wailed" or something else - it sounds exhausting, as if the entire conversation is carried out at 120 decibels. Also, I felt like too many of the dialogue lines were tagged with adverbs: "said almost maliciously", "said slowly", and combining this problem with the previous one, "persisted anxiously". See if you can convey these emotions and tones through the dialogue instead of relying on adverbs.
Just some thoughts from a rookie.
Karsten
Hey! I am here to eat some cake... no, wait, I'm here to review your lovely story! It's so sweet - and yet not sweet. I think it's hilarious!! Awesome stuff, right there.
Now to my nitpicks and pointers:
I like this opening - a lot. I just think that with a small change in punctuation it could be so much better, like: "Once upon a bunch of times, in the kingdom of Rozz, lived a Prince - actually, more like a Prince-in-training (but whatever)." Maybe not the "but whatever", I just put that in on a whim, because i thought it sounded funny. Haha... or mayybe not, you choose. Anyway, nice start.
I really like this plotline that's developing! I just think it would flow better like this (and this really is my opinion - if you don't like it, it really won't make a big difference): "All right, Prince - let's get it on!" Marlene, a witch who trained the Prince, shouted into her bullhorn." The second sentence there is perfect!
My suggestion: "Charlie was a giant, standing at a jaw-dropping seven feet. Prince had to strain his neck in order to see his *opponent's* face. Prince took a dramatic step forward, raising the sword high into the air when Marlene began to holler at him." I don't think component was the right word... did you mean opponent?
"All right, go!" The drummer began..." would be better. Capital letter is needed after a 'full-stop' speech thingy. Does that make sense?
"Marlene, when..." I think a comma would help this read better.
Again, comma - "Marlene, what did you do to her?" (NB I love this part. It's really funny!)
I think it should be a comma rather than a full stop after "father".
An "s" is needed on "lung" - "lungs".
Okidoki. Overall, I LOVED THIS!! Absolutely brilliant - really, really witty!! The only problems I found are listed above, and they are really minor, and are just me being pinickity really. So awesome stuff!!!
Thanks very much! ~*X*~