We fall in love like words flip on a page.
As gentle and silent as a mother doe.
We fall in love as the autumn.
We lay beside each other like leaves on two lovers paths.
We fall in love as simple as the snow falls.
We swallow words like a ukelele.
We whisper gentle as the breeze blows.
We fall in love like a gentle push from a father.
We kiss cheeks like one anothers aunt.
We fall in love as simple as the snow falls.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hello, 5319Kyle.
This is Moonwatcher, and I'll be your reviewer for today.
I noticed you're pretty new to this site, so welcome to YWS! I hope you've enjoyed your time here.
Alright. So let's begin. This poem is pretty short, I suggest maybe lengthening it just a tad, as the poem feels a little bit too large to be one stanza, but a little too small to be a few. I noticed a little bit of an inconsistency in the poem. All of them seem to begin with "We" except for the second line, which is an "As". However, I suggest removing the "We"'s altogether and finding some other word to replace them. My only real nitpick here is this line.
First thing that came to mind was, "You kiss like my aunt", haha. Honestly, that's all I think I can help you with here. Good job!
Yo.
The strongest hindrance this piece presents is its demanded return to the structure of We statements on each line. With this format, you give the poem absolutely no chance to have a flow of its own that is pleasing to the reader. For that reason, it's extremely difficult to even read through as a conglomeration of sentences--much less a poem.
The only line here that I particularly enjoy is We swallow words like a ukulele, which surprised me at first because it didn't seem to fit--and it doesn't because of the dry-and-bland lack of contextual contrast between the other images. There's a lot of familial imagery going on here, and it doesn't work for the context of a romantic piece.
The nature images are fine, but they really need the breath of an elementary flow to have a chance to really work. Take it back to the drawing board and break apart the We bones.
Ty