I scream but there's no sound. I talk but there's no one around. I cry everyone sees. This is it all eyes on me. There's a ghost of you in my head. There's scars on my heart because of you. This may be to much I can't breathe. That day when my heart doesn't beat. Can you hear me? You act as if you can't see me. Help my heart start again. Me... I'm just falling in. Why does it hurt? Does it hurt because I care? It could be that I'm lost. Hurt is now all I feel lost in the dark. Found peace in myself. Look the world is here somewhere. I called you mine. But that failed. The voices tell me to let go. The voices tell me to lose control. I'm drowning them out. But they talk so loud. ARE YOU THERE?
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello 4EverApart!!
Here comes Eros to write a review on your first and beautiful lyrical stuff.
I was really amazed by your writing. 'Was'? I should rather say I AM really amazed by your writing... I eally appreciate your work. It was your frist work but still it is so beautiful. After I read your lyrical work, I could not control myself from clapping your work.
I really salute your unique way of expressing your emotions and the language is alo very easy- to- understan.
Good Job!!!
Continue writing for we love to read your work!!!
Hola 4EverApart!
. The story can easily be understood (Well, I HOPE I know what the story is 0-0) and like I said before, the story isn't hard to forget because of the shortness of the song, it's perfect! What i'd call a masterpiece!
Welcome to YWS! And congrats on your first upload! Woo Hoo! Alright, now to the interview.
This song is very short, but I think this song is PERFECT short. It really allows us to focus on the story of the song and we don't forget it. I like trying to solve the story of a song, its fun, and entertaining
I just have ONE problem with this, I guess it would actually be some advice :/ Next time you write lyrics, put each verse or line on a separate line, like this for example.
------------------------------------
I scream but there's no sound.
I talk but there's no one around.
I cry everyone sees.
This is it all eyes on me.
There's a ghost of you in my head.
------------------------------------
See what i'm talking about? I think it would be better this way, but hey, it's your lyrics, you can do what you want with it
Well 4EverApart, I wish you the best of luck in the future and are hoping to see more from you soon!
+1 Follower *Thumbs Up*
Rating: MASTERPIECE!
Hi there 4everapart, first of all welcome to YWS! It is always good to review works of new members.
I like your lyrics. Lots of questions, lots of emotions and personal touch and a good "voice" which helps me, as a reader completely hooked to your piece. Like the previous reviewer said, this is raw, honest and crackling style of writing. It's a great thing to do but you need to fix many things here.
First of all you need to get rid of the continuous prose format of this lyrics. They are a major, major put off and chock me as a reader. You need to convert them into stanzas. The previous reviewer gave you a format, I'll try a different one.
Instead of four I'll say split it into two lines stanzas. They are easy to read and I "cry", "scream", "there's ghost" "there's scar" will be much more convenient. No criticism will then be made on repetitiveness. That's gonna work really cool but at the moment it is very repetitive.
Another thing is, there's no structure in this. It's random and uneven. I need to know where this is going, this is so random that I as a reader get confused whether there is any direction in this poem. All poems needn't have directions, but again the structuring makes me wonder about it's randomness. A lot of your issues will get sorted if you structure and format it properly.
You also leave lot of open questions but I actually liked that. I get irritated by works where the flow is meant for everyone to understand. I really like the way you have valued my intelligence and written it in a way such that I have to 'feel' those emotions.
Overall a very good job. Hope you change some things after reading my review. Other wise this is a really good piece! Keep writing.
Hello!
)
Keep it up!
First off, I want to say that I really like your poem. It is so honest and raw and I'm sure most everyone can relate to it. To be able to put into words how you are feeling is extremely impressive. Whenever I'm sad and try to write about it, it turns out horribly and I usually end up deleting the document or ripping up the page of paper.
I do have a few suggestions but it's nothing major and it doesn't change the fact that this poem is so well written and beautiful.
Also, don't feel like you need to listen to my suggestions - they're just something to consider
Suggestions:
-I think the poem would be more effective if it was broken into stanzas (like I have done below). Sometimes when people look at a poem that is paragraph form they feel intimidated and I wouldn't want them to just glance at this poem because of the way it looks. It's way too good to just glance at. (Although if wrote the poem in paragraph format for a reason then you can just disregard this
-I'm going to make a few edits within the poem so everything that I edit will be in brackets
I scream but there's no sound.
I talk but there's (I would get rid of "there's" - it's repetitive)no one (is) around.
I cry (and) everyone (can) see.
This is it(,) all eyes (are) on me.
There's a ghost of you in my head.
(And) scars on my heart because of you.
This may be to(o,) much I can't breathe.
That day when my heart doesn't beat.
Can you hear me?
You act as if you can't see me.
Help my heart start again.
Me... I'm just falling in.
Why does it hurt?
(Is it) because I care?
It could be that I'm lost.
Hurt is now all I feel (when I'm) lost in the dark. (You don't have to use "when I'm" I just thought something should go between "feel" and "lost")
Found peace in myself.
Look the world is here somewhere.
I called you mine.
But that failed.
The voices tell me to let go.
The voices tell me to lose control. (I LOVE these two lines. They are my favorite <3)
I'm drowning them out.
But they talk so loud.
ARE YOU THERE?
The ending was perfect! You are extremely talented, I will definitely be looking for more work by you. Amazing job
Message me if you need anything!
-Nicole