Young Writers Society

I like the general idea of the story. There are some grammar issues and a lot of run on sentences. I do believe run on sentences have their place and purpose, but there are just too many in your story.

But keep writing. It is a fine story and just needs polishing.

Likes:

The beginning when her parents wouldn't tell her why peasants were different.
I liked the ending of how the peasants lived a happy life. That was mine ending (kinda)
Wonders:I liked the story of the plot and it was a great story in all.

There was a lot of grammar errors and run-on sentences.

That was a amazing story and I hope you make more

It was a fun story with twists and turns but there were some issues with the story. There were some run-on sentences and some other grammar issues like that. It had a fun and bouncy plot line and I would definitely read it again if I need something to read. I hope this helped. I also like the names that you used.

I like the main idea of the story, and how the kid learns about the difference of the rich and the poor. I also really like how in the end, the rich kid helps the poor family. But....I wonder if you could fix the grammar mistakes. There were a lot of run on sentences, and things that I had to either read a few times, or just couldn't understand it at all. I know how teachers always say that you should "be specific", and stuff, so here is a full list of what I didn't get, and how it should be fixed.

1) {It all started when Ma Fu Da was with his parents and saw a another boy but then he realised he was a peasant he realised he was not like him because he looked really tired and looked like he hadn't ate for days.} Instead, it should be {It all started when Ma Fu Da was with his parents, and saw a boy that was a peasent. He realized that the other boy was not like him, because he looked tired, and as if he hadn't eaten for days.}

2) {So Ma Fu Da asked his parents “what is the difference between that boy and me?” His parents answered “I really think that this is not your problem” but then the boy said, “I really want to know.” His parents got mad and sent him to his room that was made out of rammed earth like mudbrick.}, this sentence, can actualy be 2, or 3 sentences. It should be {So, Ma Fu Da asked his parents, "what is the difference between that boy and I?". His parents replied to him, "I really think that that isn't your problem". The bor got frustrated and said, "but I really want to know!}. His parents got mad and sent him to his room, made of rammed earth, kind of like mud brick." Also, I think that if they were walking home or something, and they passed the peasent boy, how would his arents have sent him to his room. Did he have a magic portal or something?

3) {Then came dinner time. Mom had prepared rice with seafood. Then Ma Fu Da came down for dinner.} Maybe try and come up with a synonym, because using then, twice within three consecutive sentences doesn't exactly sound right.

4) {During dinner time he asked again, “how are we different than a peasant?” his parents answer “again I really think you don’t need to know that.} This one can also be turned into two sentences. {During dinner time, he asked again. "How are we different from the peasants?". Again, his parents responded, "I don't think you really need to know that.}

5) {Then he slammed his dish on the table and spilt it and it went flying all around}. This one just needs commas.

6) {Once again they sent him to his room but he didn't listen so he told his parents “If you guys won't tell me I’ll find out myself.” So then his parents didn’t worry but then he tricked his parents and told them “I am going to my room” but really he ran away."} It should be {Once again, they sent him to his. He didn't listen to the though, and he told them, "If you guys wont tell me, I'll just find out myself!". He tricked his parents into thinking that he was going to his room, but, in fact, he ran away}

7) {Then he saw another pleasant walk by and he followed him. Then the peasant turned around and said “who are you and why are you following me” the boy answered “ I’m following you because i'm lost and I don't know where to go.” So then the boy said “come to my home and we'll tell my parents.” The boy saw Ma Fu Da very tired so the boy told him “do you want to sleep?” he said “yes I have been walking for a long time.” When they took him he wondered in his head this room doesn't feel as comfortable as the one I have but he was trying to sleep then he finally fell asleep.}

There are a ton more, but here are a few to get you started. Just watch out for those little mistakes. Other than that, it was a good story.

I like the main idea of the story, a kid trying to find an answer. I wonder if you could shorten your sentences and sometimes when someone is speaking you forget to capitalize the first letter.

This is a review.

Good job! You have a nice plot and the story was fun to read. Just a couple things to say:

You have quite a few run-on sentences. Don't be discouraged! We all do it at one time or another, and they are quite easy to fix. Just read your story out loud and you will naturally pause where you should punctuate your sentences.

Be more descriptive. The story feels a bit rushed, as if only what really needed to be said about what is going on is being said. It's okay to "Show not Tell."

Great job! Have fun! I can't wait to read more of your work!

It all started when Ma Fu Da was with his parents and saw a another boy but then he realised he was a peasant he realised he was not like him because he looked really tired and looked like he hadn't ate for days. ----> Use punctuation. It's important to help the reader understand your words and taste your work. Also, pay attention to your grammar. "Hadn't ate" should be "hadn't eaten." Also, make sure you don't use "him" too many times in the same sentence. It's redundant and confusing.



Then he slammed his dish on the table and spilt it and it went flying all around. Once again they sent him to his room but he didn't listen so he told his parents “If you guys won't tell me I’ll find out myself.” So then his parents didn’t worry but then he tricked his parents and told them “I am going to my room” but really he ran away.-------> Take your time and tell the story in details. This way of telling is rather solid. Tell us how he felt, how his eyes widened and describe thoroughly. Take your time and divide your sentences, because it doesn't feel much to read it this way.
Reading should be beautiful, but this is a little rushed.


Keep up!! You'll get a good grip around the whole idea soon enough. Practice!!