Young Writers Society

Hey, Skywind here. I'll see if I can help you with some grammar errors here and typos.


A knock comes at the door. I stand up as Esme enters. “Thanks for coming,”

Comma should be a period.


“But we have them every week at least, twice more often than not. I feel it won’t be too presumptuous to wear my hair down.” I try to explain. She raises her eyebrows. Acelin! She thinks I’m leaving my hair down for Acelin the Notain’s son. “I promise you it’s not for Acelin. I just don’t want the blasted head ache I get every time we weave my hair into elaborate,” I stop hearing a noise outside.

Head ache should be one word headache. Also, you should not sandwich dialogue between description. Should be either:

Dialogue Description

Description Dialogue

Dialogue Description Dialogue

Here. you have Dialogue Description Dialogue Description.

So, you can make a new paragraph after the second dialogue or break it before you start the dialogue. Same problem happens with paragraphs later.

Also, the comma at the end should be a period since you didn't have a dialogue tag.

You also have "I stop hearing a noise outside" at the end of the paragraph, but the noise was never mentioned before that so it confuses me why it's there to begin with. Maybe include a sentence about a noise in the previous part?

The next sentence is about another character running to the noise, so perhaps you meant that you hear a noise outside?


“Good enough. If you are going with your hair down you can go with less paint.” Esme tells me.

Period at the end of the dialogue should be a comma for dialogue tag.


“Thank you, tell me all about Damir when I get back.”

Period into comma here too.


I run down the stairs to catch up to them. father looks back at me. He stops their walk.

Missed capitalization on Father.


Generally women wear their hair down after they are married or when around family and people they consider to be really close to them.. The fact that I am wearing it when the Notain comes means that I feel relaxed around him, and someone could misinterpret that I am flirting with the Notain’s son.

A double period in the middle of the paragraph. Also, this first sentence especially sounds like it's inserted for The Audience like the MC is talking to them. Feels out of place. Perhaps reword it so that it's just her thoughts?

Something like: I hope the someone from Notain doesn't misinterpret the meaning of me wearing my hair down. I dont want them to think I'm flirting with their son.


We stand on the front step and wait while the Notain’s carriage makes it up the path to our house. Before the carriage stops I step on to the step below my parents and cross my hands before me. The carriage stops. A servant hops down from behind to open the door, before he has a chance though the door flies open. “Remhil Deerc!” The Notain says smiling up at my father. He then turns and helps his wife out of the carriage. She looks as beautiful as ever.

There are some missing commas here. I'll just rewrite the paragraph with the commas and other changes.

We stand on the front step and wait while the Notain’s carriage makes it up the path to our house. Before the carriage stops, I step on to the step below my parents and cross my hands before me. The carriage stops. A servant hops down from behind to open the door. But before he has a chance, the door flies open.

“Remhil Deerc!” the Notain says while smiling up at my father. He then turns and helps his wife out of the carriage. She looks as beautiful as ever.

I didn't capitalize the "the" because it's part of the same sentence as the dialogue tag.


“Dear Elektra!” The Notain’s eyes widen when he sees me. I bow my head a blush creeping to my cheeks. “Goodness you are looking lovely tonight, I see old Deerc is finally letting you have your freedom.” He bows his head referring to my loose hair.

I would write this as:

“Dear Elektra!” The Notain’s eyes widen when he sees me. I bow my head, a blush creeping to my cheeks. “Goodness you are looking lovely tonight. I see old Deerc is finally letting you have your freedom.”

He bows his head referring to my loose hair.


“You love very beautiful, you hair is so long.” Notain’s wife bows her head to me. I grin at the compliment. She rarely speaks, there were rumors of a sickness in her you that left her voice fragile. Acelin told me that’s not true, and that she speaks more than the Notain does, only in a family setting though.

I think you meant "youth" instead of "you" in the middle of the paragraph.


“Deerc we are getting quite old,” The Notain starts talking to my father. I turn my attention back to the carriage. Acelin hasn’t gotten out yet. I wait for him. Acelin and I have been friends since birth, and the Notain has been visiting weekly since I was five. Acelin and I have grown very close.

You should change "The" into "the" for the dialogue tag. Also, I feel like you don't need to include the "starts talking" instead say something like "....the Notain says to my father." would be fine. The latter part of the paragraph again feels like talking to the reader. I suggest trying to incorporate the information from "Acelin and I....very close" into a natural dialogue exchange or something. Like his parents or the someone that the MC knows could comment something like, you guys have grown very close compared to when you first met at five years old.


I bow my head to show the proper respect. “Elektra,” His voice is quiet.

As I mentioned before, try not to put dialogue in the middle of two descriptions. You could reword this part to:

I bow my head to show the proper respect. He quietly says, “Elektra."


“Slow, the men are finally starting to understand. I don’t see why we didn’t start this sooner. If we had we would not be where we are today. We wouldn’t have to be worrying about war now.” Father talk with such a relaxed tone I find it hard to believe her really find war even a possibility. But I know it’s looming closer. Acelin believes he will be Notain for the war and die in the war.

Should be Father talks.


“At least we have progress though, one cannot hope for change right away. We are preparing Acelin for the future. I am confident that whatever that may bring Acelin will be prepared and will bring this country through it.” Notain looks at Acelin with pride. I smile meeting his eyes. He looked worried. He is he’s worried he will disappoint his father. I understand where he is coming from. “Are you preparing Elektra enough? I do believe she will be a commanding lady in the future not matter her status. Do you feel prepared?” He looks directly at me.

Add a comma --> I am confident that whatever that may bring, Acelin will be...

Unclear who the MC is smiling at in the middle when "I smile meeting his eyes" whether it's Notain or Acelin. Next sentence same thing. Who is he?

"He is he's worried he will disappoint his father" Some typos here. I think you meant, "He's worried he will disappoint his father." But that's a repeat of the previous sentence. So perhaps you could change to something like. "He looked worried. I wonder if he's concerned that he might disappoint his father."


Acelin however usually looks for the worse out comes where I look for opportunities.

This sentence is unclear to me. I think you need a comma after however, but the rest of the sentence doesn't make sense to me.


“Good, good.” They continue to talk. I try not to listen too much. I hate hearing the problems we are having with the notaindom. We are in finical ruins. The enemies from the north south and east are closing in. There are many rumors they are combining’s forces. Because of our financial crisis we do not have the money to hire mercenaries, or to pay, train, or feed an army. The closest country not wanting to destroy us is across the sea. At least a weeks journey and they have no interest in our politics.

Think you need to capitalize Notaindom.

I think you meant financial ruins instead of finical ruins.

Next sentence should be written: "The enemies from the north, south, and east are closing in."

Next sentence should be written: "There are many rumors they are combining their forces."

Next sentence needs a comma. "Because of our financial crisis, we do not...."

I think last sentence needs to be reworded. Maybe something like: "They are at least a weeks journey away, but they have no interest in our politics regardless."


He did not talk to me about that. My father looks at me. I smile trying to hide my confusion. He looks the Notain who shrugs his shoulders beaming at his son. What is going on here? Father finally looks at Acelin again. “And you will stay away from where there have been border disputes?”

Fourth sentence should probably be: He looks at the Notain, who shrugs his shoulders beaming at his son.

Hello! Just here for a Review Day review from Team Orioles!

So right now this is about the notaindom--perhaps some kind of political intrigue I'm sniffing out here. There are troubles there. And then Acelin and and Elektra might have to face these troubles later! I'm also predicting a possible romance between them? Mwahaha xD I really like the fact that there isn't so much irrelevant exposition in this chapter. This feels like there's no unneeded worldbuilding fluff here and there that might be more useful LATER.

One thing I would have liked to have seen more was the setting. To me...it was rather blank? I'm fond of setting because I like to picture the scene in my head--not to every minute detail, but to know the overall and anything interesting. The feasting hall could be a great place to describe, especially because you can frame the atmosphere of the place. Another thing is that perhaps they can also interact with the setting--like the silverware and tables and food and chairs and floor. That way, body expressions can be expressed to the full.

A nitpick: I wish I could have seen Elektra's emotions expressed both in inner monologue and action and speech more strongly. Like the surprise about Acelin's proposal to take Elektra around the towns.

Overall, this is a pretty well-written chapter. I enjoyed it and am looking forward for more of this story! Feel free to use any suggestions you like and throw away the rest! Ask if you have any questions

Hey there! Eli here!

Sweet review coming your way! It will include complains, discussion and all that chit chat. Unfortunately, I had more things to talk about in this story and not all of them are good commentary so I will section the work to parts and discuss them one by one so it is easier for both of us to understand each other and what I actually mean.


I need to change fast. Rehmil Deerc is getting antsy. "Elektra!" Etume, my personal servant, knocks at the door. I invite her in grateful for her assistance. I can't get dressed up for the formal event without her help. There are too many layers. "Rehmil has been tapping his foot for the last few minutes," Etume sees me and grins. "He wasn't worried enough, you are a mess."

First thing I notice is that you let the thoughts of your character out of the place where they need to be. I can handle it if it is obtained way to write. It is very confusing when someone is writing present tense and the thoughts like this becaus they look like wrong written quotes of the character. For now all I know is that you prefer to write in present tense the whole scene. First person. Not my favorite but it is still a style. I added missing commas in bold in the orange text. Minutes is spelled uncorrectly. Everything else is great, I am getting in the scene.


"Well it is rather hard to get dressed then paint myself, by myself." I stand still as Etume finishes dressing me then gets to work on painting my eyes. "Thank you, you’re a life saver." I embrace Etume in gratitude before I hurry out the door. "Father (no comma)" I say. Rehmil Deerc turns around just as I reach the bottom of the stairs.

"Ah Elektra, how you look, as you should. It should not have taken so long still/though. The Notain and his son are almost here. Where is Nlrx? You and your mother are just the same. To the front step where we can greet the Notain." Father takes my arm and we walk to the front step. Servant swings the door open before we can even lift a finger.


No need to add a comma after 'Father' if you will not continue her words. Other minor corrections are made in the orange text.


"Deerc," I turn at mother's soft voice. I smile. She is the most beautiful woman. I believe she is even more beautiful that the Notain's wife. "Are you trying to greet The Notain without me. Dear, what have I said about patience before?" Father pats my arm. I keep walking while he waits for mother.

I stand erect on the front step. I don’t understand why father makes such a big deal about Notain’s visits. He comes nearly every week. Father is his most trusted adviser. Father is the first and most important of the Rehmil. I hear the clink of many hooves on the cobblestone path to the house. I turn around to tell Father but he is already coming from behind me. I step down one step so he and Mother can have the top step to greet Rehmil.

The next part is also interesting even if it contained lots of small mistakes like the ones from the beginning. Maybe it is just the regular thing during the whole work but we will see. For now, I am more interested in what is going to happen next.



We watch, smiling, as the carriage come up and stops at the bottom of the stairs. Before a servant has a chance to get down, Notain Thoteph ?throws? the door open and jumps down. He helps his wife gets down then they start up the steps. I smile at them but keep my eyes on the carriage for Acelin. It takes him a few moments but then he shows up. His bright yellow gold eyes find mine and he nods almost imperceptibly. My smile widens just a little.

“Elektra, you are radiant tonight.” The Notain greets. I bow my head in respect. I do not have to curtsy because of Father’s high rank. “I believe you are only paralleled in looks by your mother and barely surpassed by my own beautiful wife.” He tells while climbing the steps past me. “Deerc!” He greets my father. I tune them out as Acelin is coming up the steps.

“Elektra.” He is nearly opposite of his father, in every way, to the world. Thoteph is vibrant and colorful, he enjoys talking to everyone. Acelin prefers to only speak when necessary. When he reaches my step, I turn and he holds out his arm for me as is custom. Thoteph and his wife are walking in. Mother and Father follow behind them then Acelin and I are allowed to walk in.


The story is going on well even if I still do not have a lots of idea what might be happening in the next episode. I though find the work interesting and possible likable novel.

Keep on writing!