A Scary Moment

Hello there, I'm Jojo and I shall be your reviewer for today!
Welcome to YWS.
Grammar is in #FF0000 ">red.
Others are in #0000FF ">blue.

34rashard wrote:It was a cold crisp night.
#0000FF ">-- You could add a whole lot more detail here. Go into the scenery and the sights, sounds, smell, and crud. Use imagery!--
I was the first one to fall asleep at my #FF0000 ">sister's birthday party. They put makeup on me. #0000FF ">Here is what they put on me. saying "on me" twice is redundant, and the whole story could do without that sentence.#0000FF ">They put some sort of eye makeup on me.My hair was long,#FF0000 ">(comma) so they put it in ponytail. #FF0000 ">(They) also lipstick on me.It was a #FF0000 ">weird #0000FF ">,scary night.#0000FF ">:evil:#0000FF ">( no smiley!) When I#FF0000 "> woke up I found myself looking like a #FF0000 ">fairy princess

Overall:
I have no idea what is going on, here. You are going waay too fast, hun.Add ore detail and organize according to sequence of events. And try to fix a few minor grammar issues.


Show us- don't "tell" us what happens.

They put makeup on me.

They put some sort of eye makeup on me.

My hair was long,so they put it in ponytail.

It was a weird ,scary night

When I woke up I found myself looking like a fairy princess

Include dialogue and sounds. Actions and movements.
Make stuff happen. It needs to be interesting.
This is REALLY short. I don't know if you plan expanding on this, or this is a joke or something- but make it longer. Make us laugh, okay?
Other than that, nice try!

Keep Writing!
---------------------------
-Jojo

Hey! First of all, if this is a true story, I'm deeply sorry for you.
This was extremely short. I would love to see more detail and descriptions. What happened leading up to the makeover? How was the party? Were there any other catastrophes? Describe the other people at the party, maybe.

It was a cold crisp night.

This opening sentence has been way over-used. I bet you could come up with something that really grabs your reader's attention. Plus, it doesn't really fit the rest of your story.

my sisters birthday party

*sister's*

they put makeup on me. Here is what they put on me. They put some sort of eye makeup on me.

The first word should be capitalized. You used the word "put" three times in three consecutive sentences. It makes your writing very choppy. You could rewrite this so that they're all one sentence. Again, this would be a great place to add more detail. Show us what happened, don't tell us.

Also lipstick on me

This seems like an afterthought. Mention the lipstick earlier when you talk about the makeup.

It was a wierd night.And a scary night.

Please, show us the weird night with more descriptions and events. Don't just tell us what we're supposed to think of this night.

When I wokeup I found myself looking like a fairyprincess

It should be "woke up," you need a comma before "I found," "fairy princess" should be two words, and you need a period at the end.

With a little work, you could make this into a really funny story. I don't think this belongs in Fantasy Short Stories, though. I would suggest General Fiction.
You have a nice idea here to which many people could relate. Build more of a relationship between the characters and add to it a bit, and you could have quite an amusing anecdote. Good luck! If you have any questions or need anything, feel free to PM me.

-Sea-