Published February 6, 2011
This is a story that came to me just a couple days ago. I really don't know where I'm going with this, but I think it's a good opening chapter for a novel. I would have to say, this style of writing is characteristic of me; this is what I do best. Enjoy and criticize!
-Alex
The strides he took from the stairwell to the master bedroom were unconsciously quick and silent. He paused at the doorway where he ripped the glasses off his face, catapulted the uncomfortable shoes from his feet, and continued into the bedroom.
It was hard to breathe.
Jackie took a few seconds to let his hands wrestle with the collar button of his shirt before it was finally undone. His neck relaxed and the blood in his veins began to let out of his head. He turned on the light in the bathroom next to him and collapsed on the counter until the lightheadedness came to pass.
The glasses that were becoming too weak for Jackie’s eyes were released from his hand and settled on the counter.
The faucet was turned on.
Jackie began splashing cold water to his face, and the last sincere expressions were drained from his face. The droplets of water dripped off his chin, and Jackie’s last pleasant thoughts drifted down the contours of the sink and down the drain. As his alertness came back to him, the resentfulness began to vibrate in his eyes, and the feeling became a roar.
His wife was dead.
His brothers were dead.
Everyone was dead.
This was the low point of his life. Jackie’s hair, usually curly, was flattened on his head, crawling down into his eyes.
Ronnie began to moan.
The moan was loud and unmistakable, and Jackie’s expression turned into one of angst. The blood on his hands had not washed off. Ronnie was not dead.
He turned the light-switch off in the bathroom and started back towards the stairwell. By the time he was most of the way down, the dying man lying almost lifeless in the center of the foyer was clearly visible. Jackie wiped off the small, lone tear from the side of his right eye with his sleeve and took a few steps towards the body of his dying brother.
“You’re a bloody mess.”
Ronnie opened his left eye slightly. He was able to murmur a stifled, “Who could have done this to me?” He smirked and then closed his eye, continuing to breathe ever so softly.
Jackie paced the floor around his dying brother. He stopped and ran his arm across his face to get the sweat out of his eyes. He was about to take another stride, when he paused for a moment before saying, “I want you to know something.”
Ronnie lay unstirred.
“Listen, kid. Frankie was one stupid fuck of a brother, but I loved him. I love you, too. I don’t really know how else to say that. Things were changing and I didn’t know it.”
Jackie kneeled on the floor beside Ronnie and began to wipe the blood off his face with the cuff of his sleeve. The skin of Ronnie's cheek had been clearly cut open and his left ear was spilling blood.
Ronnie's body was one of a dead man and yet he still lived. A slash to the gut had left his oxford shirt utterly drenched and his once-blue jacket was now blotched with the color of wine. His breathing was rapid, his palms shook. As if he had been run over by a stampede, his entire body was bruised or broken, leaving him to yearn for the moment when his brother would decide to end his life.
Jackie finished wiping the blood off his brother’s face, and began to stroke his hair in sympathy. Ronnie unsuccessfully tried to shake his head to relinquish himself from his brother’s grasp. This made Jackie smile and he put Ronnie’s head down. He took a few steps before noticing for the first time an almost-burnt cigar about a meter away from his brother’s outstretched right hand. It took him only a moment to find the lighter about the same distance away on his other side. A few meters away from the two of them, easily flammable drapes hung from the tops of the windows. He's an arsonist now. He picked up the lighter, smirked, and asked, “Who were you trying to kill?”
Ronnie’s expression became unmistakably infuriated. He found the strength to open both eyes and ask, “T-tell me. D-did you r-really love her? A-are you upset that I killed her?”
Jackie scowled. He began to pace the floor again around his brother, taking slightly faster strides. “Ronnie, you and I are two completely different men. Yes, we both make sure that we get what we want most of the time, we hate commitment, and we eat breakfast at five in the afternoon. That’s it. There’s nothing else. You’re not a man of action. You’re a man of the people; and that’s the only reason you survived so long. You won’t let go of your possessions, your self-respect, your family; nothing that would make you less secure, because you don’t think that everything pays off.
“You think you’ve been fucked over by your brother. Honestly, I don’t give two shits what sort of pain you’ve been through-I have nobody. Everyone is dead. At my own expense, I have no one.
“My wife was a nice girl, she really was. She never asked questions about my business, ever. For all I know, she could have believed that I really was an architect. But, I mean, she was a lot of work at times. I always had to worry about her whenever I did anything, and she really slowed me down. Before her, I could deal with all of the dangerous shit in my life without a second thought. Then, you and Martino set me up with this young, innocent girl, and after that, I felt like my life was over.
“I really tried, Ronnie. God knows I tried to love her, but how could I have loved her if she took away from me the last part of my life that made sense to me? I never thought about this before, but no. I didn’t love her. But what did you and Frankie say after Mom died? It could’ve happened to anyone. Did you really think that I would make my older brother’s children orphans and kill my younger brother just for fun?” Jackie stopped pacing, and stared at his younger brother for a moment.
"I didn't love her, but I'm upset that she's dead. I liked her. And it's not like I killed her. You killed her. That's why I have to kill you. This is business, Ronnie. It's just like when you killed her."
Both of Ronnie’s eyes were open when he saw his brother walk across the foyer towards the front door. He looked behind a flower pot and reached towards the vent on the floor. He lifted the cover and reached inside. Ronnie’s expression turned aghast as he saw Jackie walking back towards him. Jackie was about two feet away from his brother when he kneeled down beside him again and from his pocket he drew a wristwatch made entirely of gold. Jackie took Ronnie’s hand and placed the watch in it.
Ronnie quivered. “N-n-no.”
Jackie’s face was sardonically solemn. “Yes.”
He took a moment to wipe off more blood from his brother’s face before beginning to speak again. “I had a dog once. Good dog, he was. I really loved him.”
Ronnie’s eyes opened as wide as they could. His heart was racing faster than he could think.
Jackie continued, “My parents and I lived on a farm in Indiana, and we made a decent living out of it, but my father was able to earn an online bachelor’s degree, so my parents wanted out. When we were already making preparations to move, I woke up in the morning feeling different. Something was very wrong with how I woke up. As I slid my legs off the bed, I realized that my dog was not responsible for waking me up, and I had overslept. After I made my way down the stairs, both of my parents stopped what they were doing to look at me. It took me a few seconds to understand.
“The dog was gone. I ran around our property for hours, looking for the poor animal until I finally discovered his bleeding body lying in the cornfields. Two gunshot wounds pierced his ribs, and he was not breathing.
“A stain had dried on an envelope near the dog's dead body. I broke the seal with a knife I had on me. Inside was a note that had the words “rethink your life” scribbled on the lines of the torn paper. It seems like the dog’s killer left me a gift. Inside the envelope was a pristine gold wristwatch, this very one.”
Ronnie trembled and spat out blood.
“And now, I want you to have it.”
He stroked his brother’s hair one last time.
Before Jackie’s gun was placed at his head, Ronnie whimpered a weak and sincere, “I love you”, and then breathed his last.
A tear trickled down Jackie’s face. “I love you, too.”
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140,220 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Hello, 322.
As requested.
Disclaimer: Everything in this review is opinion. While I won't always say "In my opinion,." it should always be implied unless explicitely stated otherwise. I don't presume to think my opinion is law, and neither should you. If you think something works for your story, and I disagree, go with your own instinct. YOU are the creator of this world. We just vacation here.
This is really, really wordy. Unnecessarily so, I think. Your use of vocabulary, while wide, is bordering on masturbatory. There's a fine line between sounding intelligent and showing off. I think that you have a tendency (though, admittedly, this is my first time reading something of yours) to do a bit of the latter. Tighten it up where necessary.
Passive = Weak.
Not a fan of the passive way you describe his actions near the beginning of the story. It may be intentional to show how detached and out of control he is at the time, but I don't think it works for the story.
For example:
Nothing is wrong with the statement, but I don't like it. Not one bit. I think it should read something like "His glasses, the prescription old and too weak for his aging eyes, clattered to the counter as they fell from his grasp."
Purely stylistic, I know. Take it or leave it.
An Idea on How to Suck the Reader in:
This section:
Should never mention his name. By refusing to give the reader a name, you are, in essence, refusing to show them who this person is. Similarly, if I'm not mistaken, to how Jackie must feel while blinded and suffocated by emotion. If you first introduce your main character as Jackie the moment he becomes aware of himself once more, I think it will have a nifty impact on the reader. If you need me to explain my meaning better, let me know. I'm not the best at explaining my own ideas in a one-way monologue.
Sweatin' the Little Things
Your writing style is very solid. You have a well developed, expressive voice and varied sentence structure that definitely gives the piece a smooth pace through the reader's mind. That being said, I think you lack a few of the details that would make this piece a success. Consider the following:
If you sweeten this particular sentence with mention of sweat, your already vivid image will give the reader something they have experienced themselves, evoking not only a mental image, but a touch, taste, and smell sensory reaction as well. The fact that his hair is matter with sweat is implied, but not explicit. By stating it overtly, it evokes a stronger sensory reaction; at least, in this instance.
Consider adding "In the other room..." to this sentence. It's very abrupt to inject Ronnie into Jackie's little one man show, and adding the transition from Jackie's bathroom to somewhere else will make it fit better.
If you changed this to "The blood on his hands had not been washed away," if would flow better.
The last part is not necessary, and may even detract from the mystique of the situation you have placed your characters in and hold your readers hostage with. Just let it lie with "Tell me. D-did you really love...her?" A dying man would not waste his effort on unneeded words.
The difference between a decent story and a good one is in the details. Plots can be well thought out, characters well developed, and dialog strong and emotive, but without the details that make it flow and make the reader think, it will fail. Your story needs some tender loving care. Read it aloud. Compare it to your favorite literary idol. Find the phrases and words that work, while rooting out and changing those that don't.
You have a great concept here, and an equally good start.
--D
Hey! So, this is a little better. There's still quite a bit of talking, which is fine. I'd just suggest making Jackie a little more emotional about it, whether angry or sad, though it makes more sense than before. I'd also - and this is kind of a big one - separate the dialogue up with some actions, maybe a tag or two. They don't have to be big things, but it helps if we can see expressions and such when someone talks. After all, all that dialogue can be a bit daunting. Other than that, I really like this.
Now I'll get on with your second chapter.
loveness, ultraviolet <3
So, thanks for the request!
Awesome! Very nice work. I'll get to chapter 2 asap. Again, thanks for the request!
-Kafka
Here to review, as requested.
Other than those two things that just seemed wrong in this sentence, I have a couple points to make about this beginning. I love how you described his steps; it made it immediately interesting. But it took a little while to get there. This could just be me, but the rhythm of the sentence just seemed off, and it took me a couple tries to comprehend what you were saying. This happens sometimes when I read stuff, and I'm not sure if it's poor writing, or simply my own tired/laziness. But I'd suggest maybe shortening the first sentence, just a bit.
My second point is, the beginning tried almost too hard. Though it gets better as you go on, you use a lot of hard-working language in these first paragraphs; words that when spread out, are gems, making the writing more professional and sophisticated, but when bunched together make the writing almost arrogant, like a college professor talking. Words like "strides, catapulted, encroached, wrestle, adjacent" and other such words. Like I said, these are wonderful words, but my first impression of their use was over-dramatic and holier-than-thou, if that makes sense, which I'm not sure it does. Mostly, it's just that with your chosen writing style, you need to choose your language carefully so it doesn't seem stuck up. If I'm only confusing you, just drop me a PM or post on my wall and I'll try to explain it better.
Okay, so something else I noticed is that Jackie seems a bit... inconsistent. First he seems overcome with grief and anguish. Then he's in the stairwell with his brother, speaking calmly and coolly, as though indifferent to the situation. Like he doesn't care. So which is it?
And why did he kill his family? I get that he's a criminal, but that still doesn't explain much. He has a monologue about something, but honestly, that just made me quite confused. I didn't get it. What exactly was he trying to communicate? Maybe his brother understood, but from a reader's point of view it seemed tedious and like it was trying to feed information to us, information I still can't quite grasp. Sure, keep the part about the dog - though I'd suggest rephrasing it a bit, because obviously his brother would know about the situation, or at least about the location, parent
s work, all that jazz - but the rest is just out of place. Maybe internally give us pieces as to why he killed them. Or leave it a mystery that makes us keep reading. Either way, how you're trying to communicate now just isn't working.
My last point-out is the ending. Why did they say they love each other? Okay, so yeah, Jackie is obviously messed up and we can just leave it at that, but Ronnie... his brother is killing him. It just doesn't make sense. Either take it away, or give some more insight to their relationship, situation, perceptions, or maybe some background.
Other than being confusing, most of it was actually very interesting, with a nice premise. Your writing style is also nice; just be careful not to overdo it. With some more development and clarity, this could be very, very good.
PM me, or post on my wall or WRFF thread, if you want another review or would like me to explain anything to you.
loveness, ultraviolet <3
Heya
I'm here to review as requested! Sorry I've taken a while to get to this. I've just been annoyingly busy lately, but I've managed to find a gap in my schedule to review this for you. xD If you have any questions or anything after this review, just let me know by posting on my wall, PMing me or whatever.
Overall, I thought this was a really good piece of work. Your writing styler is great and the third person perspective worked really well, which is strange because I don't often like third person stories, so I guess it's a good thing that this was able to keep my interest. The content itself of this was very interesting too, so you managed to keep me reading. I also think you did a good job with your main character. He was probably my favourite thing about this chapter actually.
The only real nit-pick I have for you is that, at times, it felt a little wordy. As in, you had some words in here that maybe could have been taken out because they were disrupting the flow. It also got a little unclear at times about who was actually doing what. For example, you used the word he a lot when both Jackie and Ronnie were in the same scene. Because of that, I sometimes thought Ronnie was doing something, when in reality, it was actually Jackie doing it.
This is a good example of what I mean by the whole too wordy thing. Saying dying body, then dying brother doesn't flow well at all. It's repetitive, and not in a good way. There were a few instances of things similar to this, so I think you should read over the writing again. What I'd suggest is that you read it out loud, then it will actually be a lot easier to spot the areas where the wording doesn't quite sound right.
Another thing I noticed was that, at times, this gave off a bit of a telling, not showing vibe. For example, when Jackie was talking to Ronnie about his background, wife e.t.c. The problem was that because we know absolutely nothing about your characters yet, the majority of what was being said didn't really make sense. I know you said that you want us to be confused, but you need to be careful that it doesn't become too confusing. That only frustrates the reader. As for the telling, not showing vibe, I just thought that sometimes you were having Jackie tell his brother about his past just to hint at things for us readers. Maybe you thought that if you hint at things from his life, it would make us interested and make us read on to find out what those things meant. If that was the case, then I don't think it was entirely successful.
Staying on the same kind of idea, like the others have said, I'm very confused. Like I said before, you need to be careful to not overload on the mystery, otherwise, it just gets annoying. I mean, I have loads of questions. What is up with all of the deaths? Why did Jackie kill everyone? Where is the setting of this exactly? In his house? At some kind of party? Who is everyone? Are Ronnie and Jackie actually brothers? What was Jackie on about when he was talking about his wife? There's many more... Mystery in a story id great, especially if it's at the beginning because it makes the readers interested and makes them read on. The problem here is that you've got too much mystery, so it gets to the point where it's more confusing than what I, and a lot of readers, are comfortable with. We like to have some sort of idea what's going on.
Nonetheless, you're definitely a talented writer. With some tweaking with the help of your reviews, I certainly think that this could be even better. Like I said earlier, if you have any questions about any of this, just let me know.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Alex,
Thanks for requesting a review! I'll try to do my best with it.
Hahaha, I'm hooked already. Great opener.
Hmm... This is a bit confusing for me. Perhaps you could tell us where the doorway leads? Maybe it's not important? And also, isn't he already walking towards the bedroom? Maybe you could say "continued" instead of "started".
This doesn't make sense to me. What happened that made him feel intruded upon?
Hmm... "...and then the blood in his veins began to let out of his head." This part isn't really necessary, but you could probably change it a bit. Maybe something like, "letting his veins relax their hold." Or maybe just obliterate it in general.
I think it's okay to leave out the second mentioning of "bathroom". Just saying "counter" should be fine.
The bit after the comma is phrased a bit oddly, so you might want to change it up a bit. I think it's up to you, though.
When I read this, there was a little electric feeling of excitement going down my spine. I love this.
I don't believe that the commas are necessary here.
After "stifled" there should be a comma. In the second sentence, you could do one of two things: Either erase the first comma or get rid of the "and".
The comma needs to leave! XP
Unstirred? Perhaps, "Ronnie lay there, not stirring," would work better. It's up to you.
*flicks comma*
*flick flick* Also, you clearly stated in the first sentence that Ronnie had blood on his face, so you could obliterate the first part of the next sentence.
*flick flick* "once blue" can be "once-blue", just to let you know. I love the last sentence. 8D
"of" should be "off".
I don't get it... Should I? Also, I thought Ronnie was dead now...
*flicks comma* "let" could be "put" to make it sound a bit better.
You missed an 'm' in "flammable".
So Ronnie's not dead... Who's dead, then? o.o Also, you should add in a "that" between "upset" and "I".
Hmm... For this, I suggest changing your comma into a period and capitalizing the 'a' in 'and', of course. You could also change it into a semi-colon and leave the "and" be, too.
Maybe a "-" in between "about" and "I" would help the sentence flow better.
*flicks second comma*
*flicks last comma* Should the "Do" be "Did"? I can't tell. But dang, that jacked up the tension. Nice job. 8D
*flick flick*
*flick* Put the flicked comma after the "and" and create another after "pocket". In the second sentence, you used the word "hand" twice. You could easily just say, "...placed the watch in it..."
Nice. XD
Uh... You might want to rearrange this somehow. It seems wrong for some reason. Maybe even just breaking the sentence at the first comma and starting with "inside" in another sentence. -shrug- It's up to you.
*flicks first comma*
I thought Jackie already did that?
Okay, just a quick nit-picky thing... The way you worded this implys that Jackie raised the gun to his own head, but then you tell us that Ronnie "breathed his last [breath]." Perhaps it's just me reading it weird, though. XD
Anyway, I love this! I'm a bit confused as to who is related to who, who's dead, and that kind of thing, though. Other than that bit of confusion, I think this is absolutely bloody brilliant. You had few grammar mistakes other than your insistance of using a comma before every "and". XP If I had a better idea of how exactly Jackie and Ronnie are related, I could give you a better idea of how that is... What I'm thinking is that Ronnie is Jackie's friend who's like a brother. Maybe I'm wrong. As for the person dead on the floor... I have no clue. XD
Hope I helped and keep up the great work!
~ Moonlight
Oh, that's okay. Haha, at this point, you're supposed to be confused. This is the end of the story chronologically, so the novel is about what leads up to this point.
Thanks for reading!
Wow! This is really good. Can't wait to read more.
I love your wide use of vocabulary, maybe this is just me but I thought Ronnie and Jackie were brothers, so how can Ronnie have different lives - when Ronnie is talking about the dog. I don't know maybe I'm just confused. You're really good at writing.
Keri
Hey,
I want to thank you for the reviews you've given me. They were great as was this chapter. It really threw me for a loop. I had to read it a couple of times to really get it. Your character, as creepy and deranged as he was, was great. His actions before the contact really relayed how unhinged he had become, but you don't really get that until you realize that he's been killing his family. There were a few things that I wanted to point out.
If Jackie is going to be your main character, this is going to be tough. I mean, people don't like characters that kill their families. That's normally the bad guy, which makes this so unique and cool. I hope I've helped. I completely want to read the next chapter. PM me, if you have any questions or need a review.
Megsug
Some parts were confusing to me.
maybe change it to He paused as he almost fell. He caught himself on the door frame or something like that.For example
And the phrase "set themselves on the counter" talking about his glasses. The question how could glass set themselves anywhere??
There are some other things. Just look back over it, and ask yourselve does this sound right as your reading it. One other tip: when you reread it read it like someone else wrote it.
But other then those things I really really liked it