The Silver Lining ch 1.3

Hey, Sunny. Since I’m taking my sweet time with the chapters you sent me, I decided to do a critique of the ones you have on the site just so you have something to work with until I finish the ones you sent me via email. (just so you know, I’m really close to being done so expect an email soon )

The next day could hardly be described as “better”. The day after moving is never “better” than the day before, usually because you have to accept that life as you know it isn’t a nightmare after all, simply reality, though it is kind of the same thing.

You need to connect these two together because they both describe the same thing. Also, the second sentence is kind of confusing towards the end. Clear that up a bit and you’ll be good ^_^

He rushed absentmindedly though his routine, brushing his teeth savagely but meticulously, (ridding himself of that horrid taste in his mouth one wakes up with when one has spent the night sleeping with one’s mouth open), and letting his mind drift effortlessly from one insignificant thing to another and taking no notice.

Super long sentence Alert! Break this up, for sure. Maybe try: He rushed absentmindedly through his routine, brushing his teeth savagely but meticulously to rid himself of that horrid taste in his mouth when one sleeps with one’s mouth open the entire night. He let his mind drift effortlessly from one insignificant thing to another without taking notice. or something like that. I know you can do better

To find casual and comfortable clothes to wear for the day he had to rummage a little around his many collared shirts, ties, and slacks, but he finally shrugged on a snug long-sleeved maroon shirt and a pair of dark jeans that he hardly ever wore, plus a pair of underused canvas-rubber shoes, ones that Moya probably chewed on while he wasn’t looking.

Another long sentence alert! Maybe try breaking it up like this: To find casual and comfortable clothes, he had to rummage a little through his many collared shirts, ties, and slacks to find something suitable. Finally, he shrugged on a snug, long-sleeved maroon shirt and a pair of dark jeans that he hardly ever wore. He even threw in a pair of underused canvas-rubber shoes, ones that Moya probably chewed on while he wasn’t looking to complete the guise.

He felt strange and out of place; [s]usually he was wearing a collared shirt and tie.[/s]

No need to say that last part. It is obvious from the previous sentence why he feels out of place in his casual clothing =]

Juliet glanced around her, then leaned in closer, and said in a quieter voice, “A—er—word of advice from me: don’t listen to anything she says. Just nod and say, ‘yes’ and ‘thank you’ in the right spots. Oui?”
He couldn’t help smiling. Perhaps she wasn’t so bad. At least she understood the awkwardness about landladies. “Thanks.”

This is a cute ending scene. I enjoyed it. It shows what a innocent yet kind persona Juliet has

~ ~ ~ ~

All right, Sunny, for one, this story is seriously growing on me. You have such a slow, even pace of writing and it’s refreshing to read something like that.

However, the beginning was a tad slow for me I mean, you focused too much on his boring hours ahead that it made me wonder why I wanted to read on. I don’t mean that harshly at all, so please don’t take offense because I know it won’t be boring but just understand that that was the feel you were giving off. Also, you did so much on the bathroom-getting ready stuff that I kind of lost interest. You don’t have to be so detailed with certain things if they aren’t super important, you know?

Otherwise, I thought it was another enjoyable piece.

If you have any further questions, just let me know ^_^

Hey Sunny! I wouldn't really be worrying about length. Some books have chapters that are like two pages, others have thirty page chapters. Styles and structures vary - and this is your style and structure!

The next day could hardly be described as “better”. The day after moving is never “better” than the day before, usually because you have to accept that life as you know it isn’t a nightmare after all, simply reality, though it is kind of the same thing. The best thing that could be said about the day was that it was an improvement in one way or the other.

In this intro you're speaking generally, but I think you should be speaking specifically, to his situation. Moving is often a fun experience for people, but you call it a nightmare. It's a nightmare in his case... I dunno, I just didn't really like the general tone you used for his situation in this snippet.

Moya sneezed and settled back into her position of comfort. He tossed the book at her, and then turned to the bathroom to take a shower. “Apparently not.”

She's a vampire! =D Sorry, hehe. So dogs don't like vampires.

It occasionally ran through his eyes and made them burn furiously.

I can see how the revitalizing shower is mentionable, but I don't think this sentence is really necessary. Try to weed out unneeded details.

The attraction
I find the subtlety of the attraction between Jack and Juliet very refreshing. Many stories have the male and female staring into each other's eyes and feeling the love tonight, hahaha, but yours is coming across as much more realistic and subtle, and I really like that.

Little Details
You're a good writer, and I'm enjoying getting to know Jack (through himself AND through Moya), but the shower bit especially in this part seemed to contain a lot of unnecessary details. It's alright to describe things, but bits like that slow down the pace of the story a little too much. You need to weed out things that are really not needed for the atmosphere or tone or characterization in any way.

Anyway, this was a bit shorter, so I don't have much else to say. This is good though - enjoying it a lot! I love how for once vampires haven't come swinging through windows vowing love in the first chapter.

~ Clo