Published January 28, 2008
...
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,546 Literary Works • 673,419 Reviews
This sounds like a poem, to tell you the truth. It's written in a way that is fast and confusing and no one knows what's going on, also.
Creative, and pretty language, but again, I had no understanding of half the things she was thinking or saying.
Try to introduce the character, to give the reader a better feel for this piece. And a setting wouldn't hurt, either.
One last thing: You need spaces between the lines. Hard to read in it's current format.
A lot of the story sounds more like poetry than prose. I'm new here and don't really know what most of the sites' posts look like, but I can honestly say I've never read anything like this. I really like the way you combined both styles.
*Tries to make quote box thing, fails, and copy/pastes from story instead*
"And me, with my sharp features and my crow’ black hair and steely gray eyes that lacked profound amounts of gentility and mercy, me, with my free-lance ways, my bitter past, the ache in my chest that never ceases to pull me down, I, the last countess, the White Queen."
Maybe split this sentence into three sentences?
I agree that you need to space out the paragraphs, but overall I loved this piece.
This is my 1st review and i don't really know what I'm doing. If I send it incorrectly and someone who did not write "The Crossing" receives this, please tell me what I'm doing wrong.
It's all going too fast and gets confusing. Maybe you should try and space out your writing.
"Cold surrounds me, envelops me, cradles me in its deceiving arms. Long icy string things are piercing my sides, yet they are steadying them. I clutch at them, and I find that they are fleshy, like lushly growing plants. Next comes smell—an intense sense of smell meets me. Ocean air. Sea salt that burns in my throat. Mist that is so gentle in touching my face and streaming through my hair that smells of seaweed and kelp."
^
^
I really liked that part! This is a unique piece ...not often that I get to read something like this.
So yeah, I liked it!
*eek.. can you space it out alitte bit more. Hard for me to read. I should get glasses I know- sigh......*