Published January 15, 2009
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140,636 Literary Works • 673,573 Reviews
Okay, so it took me a while to find another piece of yours too review but I finally did. As it turns out…the points were just reset and I want to jump to the top of the list. No one will over take me. *insert evil laughter here*
But this seemed like and interesting piece and I figured I would review it. However, I’ve never read Hamlet so my opinion might not be as useful as that of someone whose more clued in then me.
So, as far as openings go, this isn’t the greatest. For one, its missing something simple like adding the word “with” to the beginning. For another, its too wordy and descriptive. The best opening lines are the barest opening lines.
Something in this is so bare and raw that I rather like it. The only thing that is lacking is that I don’t know what these people mean to her and that has almost all to do with my lack of knowledge about the subject.
Obviously your trying to set a specific tone to this piece. But in doing so with this particular sentence, it sounds funny. Try something like: “Only he could truly know her suffering.” Something as simple as that can smooth out a sentence.
I adore all of this description. It’s not too over powering but its not exactly subtle which is good too. It has balance.
This is again another beautiful piece of description because the words weave delicately. They aren’t clumsy or chunky.
I believe that your words are slightly out of order here. Try rearranging them more like: “Ophelia gazed around her, still absentmindedly singing her sad tune.”
Honestly, this isn’t bad, but I think the only thing this piece struggled with is that it’s a bit difficult to follow. Like I said, maybe my lack of Hamlet knowledge is to blame but I’m not sure. Anyway, if I were you, for the sake of less read individuals, make things more easy to follow.
~lilymoore
I really enjoyed reading that. I would have enjoyed a little more description of the surroundings, but that's just me. Your writing is beautiful.
Bravo, much better! And your first time around wasn't shabby either! I've kept my review in the same document as before, mostly so that I wouldn't go over it and repeat everything I said last time. Whether you ignored it or not I'm sure you don't want to hear it again. The new stuff you wrote is the green underneath each paragraph, and my comments are still in red. As I said above, I only commented on changes, so there is considerably less editing, but I do hope it helps. Again, good job with this, you've written it quite well and gotten your point across to the audience quite beautifully.
Although I must admit, I have not read Hamlet and barely even know the plot line, you asked me to look over this, and so here I am! I've attached my review with an attachment, because I hate doing it all on word then copying it over here and having to put everything I said back in that red color. Anyways, I found a number of times when you switched from the present tense to the past tense. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if I'm right about that, seeing as I absolutely suck at grammar. Still, I'd check it with someone who does know what they are talking about.
Overall, I loved your story. It was very well written, and I almost didn't want to do an in depth critique because I was scared I wouldn't find a thing wrong. Alas, I was raised to be critical, and did find a couple of points.
If my review was too harsh, I'm sorry. So far no one has complained, but I know seeing more red then your original work can be a little overwhelming. Just keep in mind that I absolutely loved your writing.
Back for the re-write!
Compared to the original, this was in some cases better and in others, worse. I liked the way you added more about Hamlet and her thoughts about her father's death, but this one line was a touch confusing:
It can be hard crafting a "not list" for this reason. "Not" shows up twice within six words, which can be confusing. Try deleting the "because" from the first part and flipping "had" and "she," like so:
I find this a little easier to read, and it still keeps the same feel.
As for the ending, I loved these lines:
You manage to tie up all the subplots in Hamlet surrounding Ophelia, and with the foreshadowing about how she wished all the pain would go away makes these perfect.
PM me if you have any questions.
~Rosey
Hey, Sunny! I saw this and immediately caught my attention. Have you read the book Ophelia? It's from her perspective. Very good, I recommend it
I think you should say "behind walls" instead of "between walls" it makes more sense that way.
Wow, what an ending statement, Sunny. Superb work! Simply stunning. I have always loved the story of Hamlet and Ophelia, so sad yet so realistic at the same time. Much better, think, than Romeo and Juliet (no offense if you do enjoy that too
Well, I can't give you anything more than praise so wonderful job, again, and I think a gold star is in order:
*clicks button with a smile*
Enjoy!
I would if I could. Hamlet doesn't forgive her. *sigh* He didn't know what he lost . . . I would recommend to anyone who reads this to grab a copy of Hamlet and a box of tissues.
Thanks for the review though.
~Sunny
Hello.
There should an "and" after "suppress.
Having read through, I get the impression that "elated" isn't the word you're after. It means in high spirits, overly joyous. I thought she might be scared, or upset, or fearful.
Although I like the rhyming at the end, there are too many "dead"s. Try splitting up "her father dead" from the rest--a new paragraph.
Also, there's the issue of characterisation. Although this is a great standalone sentence, it doesn't do much for the character. It would help us a lot if you described her fear in her actions a bit before, otherwise we're just left with a kind of "whatever". You want the reader to suddenly click with what has happened and say "Now I understand why she has been like that." Or rather, intrigue us. Right now I don't know if she's running through happiness or fear or sadness or just wanting to get away--describe it. It's in the actions, too; is she crying? Smiling? I think that the former would work better since it's negative bias and makes the reader question what has happened. I know that she's got a sob in her throat, but then she's elated, and giggling (hysterical?), so try to calm this down and point towards the specific moment when she began to run. We'll find out later, but it's necessary for a little understanding in a short space.
Who is "he", exactly? The father? The lover?
Again, why "sadly"? What defines it? This is why I hate adverbs--they are so general and don't really add a lot to the piece.
Rephrase this to something like: "A blast of chilly air caught her in the face, and in an instance, she had forgotten the pain in her knee. She had forgotten everything."
It's concise, gets rid of the the adverb and makes it quicker. Would she have time to "slowly" forget something? Not more instant?
There's not really enough information here for me to agree that it's a nice day. I don't have to, mind, since it's your character's perspective, but some imagery would be great here. Smell, sound, sight... etc.
I thought that her knee was broken/cracked? You can't just forget pain like that, but you can try to ignore it or simply face the consequences (limping etc).
Well, that was written brilliantly. But I like to find mistakes ('tis a hobby of mine). I'll start with the length--it's too short to get a true insight into her. Had I not read the note you put up there, I would never have worked out that her lover had killed her dad. It has great potential as the short piece, that it is, but I found it difficult to work out who she was speaking to at times, and I'd like to see more of this memory. I like the whole showing and not telling ambience you've got going on here, but I couldn't understand them.
So, pad it out. Let us explore her character somewhat more, maybe remembering the face of her lover/father and the choice--mention that. Mention forgiveness.
Anyway, that's all the advice I have to offer! PM me if you have any questions.
Blinky