Published October 5, 2008
Broken arms and broken bones is
Nothing compared to a broken heart
I’ve been trapped inside of my mind
Till I saw a signnnnnn
I’ve been hiding from everyone
Can’t go out in the sun
There is no simple way out
But to take down this wall
That’s made out of stone
There’s no simple way out
About that theirs is no doubt
I want too go insane
Inside of my brain
The city sleep’s in flamesss
-----go crazy-----
Feel the adrenaline rushing through your veins
Have to break out of these chains
So much blood, it’s like a flood
The gothic city is burning with crime
There is not much time
For me to come up with another rhyme
Do u want to fight? Or do u want to cry so
Stop, stop, stop don’t want to go pop, pop, pop- ah
Top, top, top don’t want to go drop, drop, drop
------finish----
(Stretch) I have individuality
(Stretch) the personality, immortality
(Stretch) Breaking my heart is like breaking my soul
Stretch) why to fight and break hearts
(Stretch) why to separate the parts
(Stretch) when you can find what you seek- on charts
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,296 Literary Works • 673,080 Reviews
Hi 1993vglad. I'm not much an expert on this sort of thing but here's my best try:
This should be: Broken arms and broken bones are because Is is used for one thing and Are is used for more than one.I feel like this line should be taken out. Walls like that are hard to break down anyway and it just doesn't seem to fit into the rest of the lines.
Take out Is. There's is a combination of There and Is so there's no point for it. Theirs should be There's because it doesn't belong to them and for the reason I stated above.
To
I'm not sure why you switched into chatspeak but for our benefit, please don't. It should be: Do you want to fight or do you want to cry?
I think these two lines would look better if you took out To and put a question mark at the end of both of the lines.
What charts?
I can see why it's called Deep Love, as I've read that love sometimes makes a person go insane, but maybe it should just be Love instead?
I thought it was okay. Your grammar was my big issue and as Kiss of Life said, find some way to put the title in the song. I think, however, this would be better suited as poetry.
Anyway, I hope I helped, keep writing, and PM me for anything at all.
-alwaysawriter
Cool, cool.
I liked it.
Very deep. hehe.
Till I saw a signnnnnn
It is weird. signnnnnn. Well I'm a sucker, so please explain to me what you meant by the sighnnnnnn.
I really enjoyed it. Keep up the good work
wow.
great job first of all.
i really liked...
but the rest i didn't care that much for that much.
why did you name it deep love?
its interesting... keep writing
Wow, this is really. really, great!
I believe I reviewed a poem of yours before.
Please remember that we have a 2:1 polocy here! you need atleat 2 reviews for every poem or story.
This is a great poem, but please make sure you try to respect our rules here.
I hope to see some reviews form you soon.
I liked it! It was good, but it should be in the poetry section because it doesn't really have a chorus or bridge. It just has verses! But I do like it. Also why is it called deep love? From the way I read it I would think that it would be called Deep Pain. Also the rhyme is very good. One thing you forgot was the ( in front of one of the stretches. It is good and you are talented, but you need to add more to it if you actually plan for it to be a song. Also you need to include the title in the chorus. Every song that I have ever listened to always has the title somewhere in the song and it is usually in the chorus. So keep working at it
! You will get it. I promise.
I actually really liked it, but why is it called Deep love?
I liked the ryhme but I didny really get what was it about love or crime.
I understand that the song is lonely but what is it actually about?