I literally just thought of this and wrote it down. I thought it would be best since it's more raw without a billion edits so yeah.(Not that there's anything wrong with that, it just I feel this will hold the most raw and original emotion)
Slipping his hand across his forehead and back through dark locks, Anthony glared at the mirror. He hated it. If anyone else laid eyes upon his reflection they would see a man. Skin a sickly yellow and cooed in a glisening sheet of sweat. Cheekbones hollowed out, in a sunken way most similar to his eyes. His eyes, pale blue as if they were fragments of the sky covered in a soft wispy layer of clouds, the 'window to his soul’. Ha, they showed nothing. Resting upon it all was a mop of messy greasy locks, an unforgiving black. A man, though in his youth, neglected and deprived of any self care. But not him. All he could see was the monster resting beneath. An unforgivingly cruel creature, capable of doing most ghastly things. Dressed in a skin of deceit. Dropping his gaze a broken chuckle left the young man. Yes, it was most certain, he was human.
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139,496 Literary Works • 672,584 Reviews
Heya, 14fancycheer! I'm here to review, if you don't mind. I apologise in advance if this isn't very helpful - I'll just give a few of my thoughts and be on my way.
My reading comprehension skills aren't entirely up to scratch, but my first interpretation of this is that the main character basically sees humans - including himself - as monsters. Kind of like a "I'm a horrible person, but all humans are horrible people," kind of thing. That's what the last line means to me, at least.
So this obviously this is unedited and raw, but I think this could have benefited from a quick proofread, since there are (or were, when I first read it) a few small typos here and there that made it a bit confusing at times. You've edited the other typos already, but I believe there's one left:
That should be "covered in a glistening sheet" instead of "cooed in a glisening sheet", I assume.
This line:
... can be tightened up to:
Slipping his hand across his forehead and back through dark locks, Anthony glared at the mirror.
"the surface" is unnecessary since it's not like readers will assume he's dragging a hand across the insides of his forehead, and "reflective" is redundant since all mirrors are reflective - we don't need to be told that. When writing, it's best to omit unnecessary words so that the reader can process what you're trying to say faster and easier. It's especially important in a short piece like this; you want to make every word count.
The rest of the paragraph is as solid as it gets though, I think, so I have no problems with that. And I loooove how you described the main character. It's clear that his self-loathing has tainted the way he sees himself. And I especially love that you've described his eyes as "fragments of the sky" - I've never seen them described that way before.
Annnd yeah, I think that's all from me. Apologies, again, if this wasn't helpful at all. If anything I said was confusing, just point it out and I'll do my best to explain myself.
Thanks for the nice read, and I hope you have a nice day!
Thank you very much for the advice, though I apologise for not responding sooner I have been on in a while. I'm kinda regretting no proofreading but at the same time not because due to the kind of person I am I would have most definitely found a way I think was better and end up changing it. Also I really glad you got the maning and liked it.
Have a wonderful day.
I imagine a man who's broken but isn't aware that he is broken. I like the "rawness" of this story. I would find it even more enticing if I could see why Anthony is disgusted at himself. Why he sees himself as a monster.
There are some mistakes which I would like to point out:
An unforgivingly cruel creature, capable of doing the most ghastly things.
Perhaps you mean "see" instead of "send".
There are a few missing commas here and there. I urge you to take a look.
What I do like is that he sees himself as a human, even when he feels that a monster resides within him. I find that very intriguing in the sense that regardless of what we do, we will always justify ourselves as human. I find that very, very deeply unsettling.
Good job! Keep writing.
Cheers.
Thank you so much for the advice (though I'd like to claim autocorrect for the second one), I suck at grammar and spelling. I also very glad you liked it and that I was able to draw out those kind of thoughts(as you mentioned in your last paragraph).
Hi! I really enjoyed this!! I think it really speaks to your writing abilities that your audience can enjoy prose that is not necessarily in story form (in an extremely positive manner). I for one am really glad that you chose to publish this without going over it a million times and taking away from the emotions behind it. I'm left with questions about this character you've created, but not in a bad way by any means; I'm simply just left wanting to know more about this person whose emotions I've gotten to glimpse briefly. You leave me wanting more! Of course there is an obligatory suggestion to go over it for grammar (for example "send a man" I believe is supposed to be "see a man"), but I don't think you should go over it too intensely for content in case you lose the rawness that you've so brilliantly been able to capture in this piece! Thank you for sharing your work! I really enjoyed it!!
Wow, thank you so much. I wasn't expecting such positive feedback. This is one of the first times I've shared my work, so it really means a lot to hear all this.