The philosopher has lost his mind,
The artist has lost his brush,
The poet has lost his pencil,
And the singer has lost his voice.
-
Grayness encapsulates the earth,
A shell around our sphere.
And the people have all gone silent,
The streets have all gone clear.
-
A drop of water trickles down,
But we are unaware.
The thunderstorm is closing in
And we don't even care.
-
The lovers have all grown tired,
The jokers are all sad,
The fathers are all pensive,
And the mothers are all dead.
-
The fires don't even start to burn,
They're gone before they're here,
And the wind has all stopped blowing,
Without a single tear.
-
Emotion has grown cold,
Passion all gone lost,
Paradise gone missing,
In a frigid layer of frost.
-
And nature has grown too old,
And laws have all been bent.
And the world has now grown silent,
And the universe hasn't blinked.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
This is a very beautiful poem! The way every object seems to be doing quite the opposite of what it is supposed to, forms a generally attractive and pleasing concept. Well done!
x
Just a quick review...
I really really really love the first verse
I like the idea that without the philosophers and artists and poets and singers that the world would grow cold and silent...
I think this poem would be better if the whole poem rhymed... I liked how it rhymed in the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, and 6th stanzas...
If the other stanzas rhymed it would sound better, like for the first you could rearrange the lines and change some words to make it rhyme...
As for the other verses that don't rhmye I'm not sure, but I think that if the whole poem went by that ABCB rhyme scheme the poem would sound and flow a a lot better...
~Rain~
Congratulations! You're my first review!
And my first praise, coincidentally.
I really enjoyed this poem from beginning to end. Though it definitely could use a bit of tweaking, I found it a very compelling and emotional poem.
Just a couple nitpicks:
Up until the fourth stanza, every other line rhymed. When you used the slant rhyme in the fourth stanza, it sort of threw off the rhythm of the poem.
Again here I feel like the rhythm is being disrupted. You don't use as many syllables in this stanza as you do in the other ones, which caused me to stumble a bit as I read it to myself. Wording it a bit differently would fix this problem easily. Something like this, maybe?
It rolls off the tongue easier, I guess.
Other than that, I feel this poem is awesome. Your visionary work is excellent.
Cheers! I look forward to reading more of your work~
It's good....Keep up the good work!
Wow, i really liked this poem. Even when the words didn't quite rhyme it sounded good. And i liked the way you had all the and's on the last verse. I think it flows nicely.
I thought you could change those last two verses to something like this though.
Emotion has grown cold
Passion is gone and lost
Paradise is missing
In a frigid layer of frost
And nature has grown too old
And laws have all been bent
And the world has now grown silent
But the universe hasn't blinked
Just a thought.
I loved this poem! I thought it flowed smoothly for the most part, and I like the analogies you use. The rhyme scheme worked for you wholelistically but it was kind of awkward in soem stanzas, specifically the last. Keep up the good writing, I look forward to reading your other pieces!
This was really good. I liked it bunches because it flowed well and had an effortless yet serious "air" about it.
Interesting piece... the imagery was beautiful. I would consider giving some change in the structure of your phrasing to give more of a conclusion, but otherwise, I don't have much to say. Great job.
I know nothing of poetry, so this was cool. I thought it had a very real, cool take on this. It brought us into everything, to see how things had changed amongst society. How people began to lose their minds, their talents, and slowly things began to dwindle away to nothingness! Very compelling!
Should these be semi-colons or something?
Now, I really liked this poem overall. I can't say I found anything really that I didn't like. There was great flow, and great description to take us into the poetry and see it as it is. I'd have to say my favourite verse is the final one:
I think that is my favourite verse of all -- despite the magnificent description in others -- because while we worry about what happens in our world, and how we're affected, suddenly you bring the perspective out into the full picture. And boom -- while we may be suffering, we're nothing in the massive universe. We're simply there. Once we've ended, it is nothing in the universe. A great poem. Thumbs up. C:
I really like this poem. The rhyming is fantastic and it doesn't feel forced at all. I also like the overall flow. Anyway, this is a really good poem, and I think you should definitely keep up the good work.
I loved this poem, and what's awesome is I was listening to a song by Never Shout Never, called the day that music died, which really helped me get into the poem. Horray for coincidences!
Really good poem, seriously. I don't really have much to say about it that hasn't been said but I just wanted to tell you that I really liked the line:
Like, it put this awesome image in my head as I was reading and definitely got me hooked from the start.
That is great, really a great one. It was so natural and everything was in a very good flow!
But I liked it most because of the reason of the poem which you explained very well without loosing your control on the poem!
I like this poem a lot, but it could use a little tweaking. The only thing I really have left by way of criticism that no one else has already said is that the meter needs some work--it's a bit inconsistent in parts. You seem to mostly be using regular iambic meter, but a few lines fall into a dactyl meter. I'll use these two lines in the second verse as an example of what I mean, with the naturally stressed syllables in bold:
And the people have all gone silent,
The streets have all gone clear.
The first line is what's called dactyl meter (except for at the very end). Dactyl is a Greek word, I believe it means or refers to having two feet. Feet=syllables. So a dactyl meter has one stressed syllable followed by two unstressed syllables, whereas iambic (which the second line is) has one stressed syllable followed by on unstressed. Does that make sense?
That being said, it was a really good poem. I especially loved the imagery; you did a very good job on that! I liked how you named commonly known things such as artists, singers, etc, and then took away the thing that made them that to illustrate your point. Good job!
It's amazing all the way. I would hate to find out what life would be like without my passion.
Yikes, I just got chills. I not a poet but I know something beautiful when I see it. I loved it!
It's just too bad they don't have a 'Love' button, so I guess I'll just have to 'Like this' haha.
I don't have a review review for this so sorry but I couldn't help myself, I had to post something.
~Pink
Aah!finally a poem with meaning, it really makes the reader feel the emotions that the writers trying to convey.
one thing though:
passion all gone lost.(correct me if I'm wrong)but I'm pretty sure passion is singular. So it cant 'all' gone lost.And gone doesn't fit either..i don't know maybe its just me, but good job with the poem.
-ShayM
Well, your poem doesn't move. It's describing one moment in time, pretty boring, eh? And this is very list like, again pretty boring.
this was pretty beautiful, but i have a problem with the consistency of the rhyme. in some stanzas the second line rhymes with the last, in others they don't. that kind of frustrated me.
i didn't like all the 'and's here. it would be more effective without them.
all in all, it was a lovely read. it wasn't really the type that grabbed me from the start, but as i read on i liked it more.
Wow. I love the flow and it doesn't even feel forced *gasp*! The emotion is really powerful and the rhythm is good.
I can't write poems as good as this. Good job.
~Ladypurple.
i liked this poem because it was very powerful. it had little mistakes. i liked it:)
Hey i really like this poem. The only part that doesnt seem to fit is the last stanza
Maybe you could use
Nature has grown too old,
And laws have all been bent.
The world has now grown silent,
The universe hasn't blinked
Its just the last line that didnt seem to read as well as the rest of the lines. Maybe you could even change to the universe is yet to blink.
Oh. My. Goodness. I just had a moment of "Wow". That was so beautiful. Look...I don't say this very often, because I don't cry, and I don't like to let people think I cry, but I really wanted to--cry that is. In a good way. So that's all. Just thought I should let you know. I don't have any critiques, because to do that there would have to be something wrong. And quite frankly, it's perfect.
Thank you.
(Seriously.)