Published January 15, 2010
Acid rain runs down my face,
Self-indulgence to blame,
I was so sure I was invincible,
But I hang my head in shame.
-
Tears streak down like night-time comets,
And etch their marks within,
My heart pumps poison through my blood,
As I distract myself with gin.
-
Lightning bolts scathe my cheeks,
And set fire to my mind,
I can't handle all this emotional shit,
Go on, just leave me behind.
-
Crystaline love runs from my eyes,
And lands down on the floor,
And I'm drained of what I once was full,
Now I'm nothing but insecure
-
Fabric of reality weaves it's mark on me,
And leaves the needle sticking in,
And I choose to push down harder on it,
Just to commit the sin.
-
Spectrum flees my dying body,
As I turn the deepest white,
And I melt away into the sea,
I needed to see the light.
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,565 Reviews
Hey Timmy, I think this is pretty darn good for rhyming poetry, you should try free form, I'll bet you'd be great. The rhymes seem a bit forced, but I didn't mind that too much. What I really liked about this is that it reminded me of a punk song, which I think this would actually be a pretty good one if you put it to music. Keep writing!
Hey there, welcome to YWS!
You have some really lovely imagery here. The part I'm most fond of is 'Acid rain runs down my face,'. It's sort of original, and paints a vivid picture. I also like how you used a pretty normal piece of imagery (fabric of reality) and expanded it by using the idea of the needle. Nice job!
However, in places the rhyme scheme felt a little forced. If you really want to convey emotion then it's probably best to try free-form.
~Amy
Wow. This is amazing.
I was always jealous of people like you,
Still am, your work is very emotional very deep.
I loved this one, i think my favorite part was:
"Spectrum flees my dying body,
As I turn the deepest white,
And I melt away into the sea,
I needed to see the light."
Oh man, that got me.
Damn dude you got a nice flow and rythm there, and some awesome imagery. I give it a gold star
Two words;LOVE IT.!!! You are simply a wonderful writer.
Amazing... simply amazing.
Empowering and the words flow like magic! I love it! Great job!