Death of an Athiest, and Death of a Thiest

ahem.. Kate, I liked the criticism but you're telling me to basically write a completely different poem..

Death of an Athiest:

I lay on my soon-to-be death bed, - Edited. Better?
Black roses be at my feet, - Sounds Shakespearean when you do it like this, no? 8D
And I won’t accomplish anything,
Just fade into the heat. - These last two lines don't make sense and seems forced. They are not relevant to the first two lines of the stanza at all.

I gasp for precious breaths of life, - Edited... though the essence was a bit altered. Still good?
As I begin to fade away,
For my world is coming to an end,
But what will they all say? - No. NonononononononoNO. Don't rhyme just for the sake of rhyming. Bad kitty.

I will not go through pearly gates, - Edited. Better?
Nor the fiery depths of hell,
For I believed in nothingness,
And nothingness is what I felt. - I do believe this is forced and was just thrown in for the sake of throwing something in.


Hmm... overall, in this one, the ending seems hanging. It's missing something... why not add a bit more detail about how he'd die or something like that? It just... lacks something. I dunno what.

Death of a Theist:

The Lord has come for my salvation,
And have brought me to the throne,
So I can see His eternal glory;
I shall not die alone. - I've edited the entire stanza. Better? I think so.

Heaven’s where I’m bound to go, - The Devil says: "Ha. Ya sure about that, sinner?"
For I followed all your rules, - Being a theist doesn't really mean following all of God's rules. Nobody is that perfect as to be able to resist all temptation. Hypocrisy is a sin.
I have nowhere to go but up, - You've just repeated what you've said on the first line. Edit this. Replace. Brb.
Unlike those other fools - This word seems a bit hypocritical here. All men are fools.

Bright light, please bring me in, - Edited.
So I can follow your steps, - Follow the steps... of the light? Lolwhut?
And go towards my destination; - Edited.
Where my Lord and savior rests. - Edited.

These were great comparisons of showing the different sides of people's beliefs. It seems like sometimes inside of one person both beliefs are present. (maybe that's why the poems were written on top of each other?) Anyways I liked them both. Good job!!

You know what's the fun part about writing about a supposedly controversial issue? People start ripping into one another for the substance and ignore the style. God knows I've had crappy writing overlooked that way.

My first thought, by the way, was "What about the Salesman?"

The most interesting things I thought in this...I suppose it's a diptych, I suppose that would go with the religious iconography, was the use of the word 'theist', there's a dichotomy you don't see every day, and, sorry Matt, "fade into the heat". This was the most appealing image in the poem.

"Heaven’s where I’m bound to go,
For I followed all your rules,
I have nowhere to go but up,
Unlike those other fools."

Following the characterization of your persona's God, he would be damned for hubris. I mean, isn't that what dogmatic Christianity is about, let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Isn't a whopping chunk of the whole New Testament about how God favours better the lost lamb, the prodigal son. Following that logic, the smug git is screwed for lack of humility. I'm Christian, I study the Bible. Anyone who tolerates the suffering of others, and looks not with love but distain upon their fellow man, follows none of God's laws.

'Fade into heat' is so beautiful though. I disagree with the 'hell' thing, and you already cancelled that out in the lines before that. The idea of decay being constructive, like when you put your feet in the soil in spring and you can feel the heat of the earth, you can feel it steaming, this growth from decay. The idea of your body and your mind feeding something else. Because it's dust to dust, but likewise, that dust can be anything in between, your dust can become anything, anyone else. This is not structured reincarnation, but a form of existentialism. Nothing is wasted in the world, not really. It's far more divine, in a sense, than any of the archaic, second-hand images of the second part. God is a subtle thing.

My main criticism of the premise is that dying is an inherently physical event, it involves pain, and confusion, and, my guess, not so much room for purely reflective thought. I'm guessing at this, it's not like I've ever died. But this reads more like a laboured cautionary parable rather than, as you put it, trying to look at the world from two different perspectives. Granted "Ow! WHAT?! PARACHUTING LLAMA?!" would make a less issues based poem, but some reference to the physical, sensual aspect of the event would ground the philosophy.

Hello! I think your poem is well-written. I assume it's all one poem, as it wouldn't have the same effect if they were seperated. Your rhyming is good and it flows very well. I also got mildly irritated at the narrator in the second poem, so I suppose you did a good job there, provoking a reaction. ^_^ The one thing I'm unsure about is in the first part: "Just fade into the heat". This at first seems to imply that the person is going to hell, and I'm not sure what else you would mean by that, but it doesn't make sense because later he says he isn't going to heaven or hell. Good job though apart from that - this was written very well.

Ok, I liked these. I think that you did a very good job of trying to show what both people would be thinking. I don't believe what you said, but it sounded good just the same. I don't know how people would be offended over a poem but oh well. I don't think that where you go depends on your beliefs, well I mean it does but not in the way you portray. Anyway nice job.

-Flower-

Actually... I am an athiest. Lol

I absolutely love the contrasting poems!

It's quite apparent your not an atheist, and I'll let you know that it's nothing like what you said so don't let people tell you otherwise.

Aside from my own winces at words like, "fools" I must say you are on your way to developing an interesting style.

I always appreciate the quality of the presentation as well.

This was okay, but its hard to make such a poem vary to every audience unless you give it that extra punch of effect. Personally I think you're lacking it and I'm going to cut this down to length. In terms of narration I'd cut out a stanza. You can still keep the same message going, but it doesn't drag on quite so much and it delivers the effect it needs.

Interesting context, I admit.
Ben

It's clearly saying that since an atheist doesn't believe in a deity, they are friendless nobodies that never accomplished anything in life and are going to have an equally unimportant death. While the religious man gets all excited for his rootin' tootin' afterlife because he was so good at living the first one. Sheer knowledge, I'm sure. However, I think that you expressed the characteristics of each quite well in one sense. Man #1 seemed to be getting the most out of his final moments of "precious life." Man #2 on the other hand, was all set to drop this life like a bad habit in order to jump up to the next one. This leaves me to question wether man #2 really appreciated the life he had gotten in the first place at all.

TLDR: Second part, typical religious sayings. First part, close but no Camus.

Looking forward to the next one!

-EB

I'm sorry, I'm in a bit of a stress, it was uncalled for

Ummm... I'm sorry? Just trying to give some constructive criticism, which you would do well to accept."Do unto others as you would do unto yourself."

How would you feel if you took time to write a nice review of one of my works, and then I yelled at you?

Please don't expect another review from me if it will be met with the same rudeness.

Funny, I was just learning the other day that as an audience member, you must put yourself in the speaker's shoes... So maybe you should try putting yourself in the shoes of the opposition of your beliefs and try to see.. How is it even offensive!? I don't see how you guys get worked up over me saying what goes through the head of a dying athiest and a thiest... It's sheer knowledge which I presented in form of poem, and you need to free your preconceptions and walk 2 moons in the opposition's moccasins...

I gotta agree with lilldeh. I didn't like the message either.I also felt mildly offended. That said, some of the best works of art are offensive to some-- this isn't one of them, but you wrote this well. Keep writing, and try applying your obvious talent to less conversational works.

--Dreamy

Hello timmy! Im lilldeh =)

I liked the poems and how they contradicted each other. The first poem seems to flow better in my opinion, but i don't care for the last word in the poem, felt. You were going along with rhyming very nicely and than it just feel short right at the end. Try finding a a word that completes the rhyming pattern because i feel that it will really add to the poem. I was slightly disappointed at the end. On a better note, i absolutely loved, loved the imagery in the first stanza.

The second poem really didn't have the same effect as the first one, i really did not flow as well as the first one did. I really don't know how i feel about it or how to explain it. Maybe it just seems kind of forced, like your heart was not into it.

Lastly, i just must add that i really did not enjoy the message your poems portrayed. Or maybe it was just how i perceived them. I felt as though you were bashing atheists and boosting theists, saying that not believing in a god or higher power is wrong and will hurt you in the end. This may have not been your intended message but this is the one clearest to me and i must say it offends me but i will respect your views and leave it at that i think these poems and how they were compared to one another was very brilliant.